I have real nerve blogging about a movie I have yet to see.
But the truth is, I might not see it. Ever.
Every time I see an ad or trailer I get tearful and anxious. It brings up fears in me that are better left repressed. The other night, while watching the Oscars with Al, every time this movie was mentioned I got emotional. Words came stumbling out of mouth that were nonsensical (okay most are) like, “that movie scares, can’t watch,…” then there are tears and more blathering. By mid-evening, Al had reached his limit with this behavior. He pulled me up into his arms and said,
“SPILL IT. WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM WITH THAT MOVIE?”
He looked at me like this…
Well, it scares me! I haven’t seen the movie but I have read reviews of the movie and I know the plot. Couple love each other, one gets sick, the other cares for the sick one, and I’m sure somebody dies in the end. Because they are old.
And Al and I are already old!
We aren’t even together yet. I don’t know if this will last forever or not but we have already missed 30 years! Those were the ‘good years’ in my opinion. My boobs didn’t sag, he could probably go all night (instead of just 3/4 of the night, My Sweet Baby) and now well, saggyville. We go to sleep at 11 pm. when we are together and I probably snore as loud as he does. I’m just not as hot at 48 as I was at 28 and I resent he missed it. You know how it is….. we talk about our ‘bad knees’ and I use a lumbar pillow. I resent missing those years. When we were together before we weren’t even legal… Now I have hot flashes.
And that movie is a mindfuck to me.
Al and I live 915 miles away from each other. I can’t move because I can’t move the kids away from Stanley, nor would I. He has a child that is 14. Both of us agree that he needs to stay there until she goes to college. If he wasn’t that committed to his kids then I wouldn’t like him. Who knows what will happen in the 3.5 years before she graduates and goes off to school? The distance might get to hard or not worth the bother. To a certain extent the distance has been good because I am very nervous about getting married again. On the other hand, it would be awesome to have him here when I am off with the kids. Either way, we will be at least 3.5 years older before we can live in the same zip code.
I’m afraid that by the time we can be together we will be like the couple up there. I’m afraid that the best years will be gone and there will only be sick years left.
Mindfuck I say.
Al’s response to all of this is that I could worry the horns off a billy goat and that we will have many wonderful years before we are old and sick. He says that we will be together for years longer than we were apart. Currently he has us living to be about 104 in perfect health and still playing Maintenance Man.
Remember those rose colored glasses he wears?
He said the bottom line is that there is no one else he wants to take care of him.
Me either, I guess.
I’m jealous of couples that have made it work and can enjoy a lifetime.
My view point from “my ass has fallen and it can’t get up” ….
1
You’re still Young. Note the Capital Y.
Really.
But I get it. I seriously get it. I think it often, wondering why in the hell it took 10 years after divorce to meet a Nice Guy who doesn’t mind that my ass has fallen and it can’t get up. (We won’t even discuss the boobular issues.) And I think a great deal of all the history that we don’t share – that we can’t share – simply because of where we are in life.
But I still pinch myself that there’s a good guy, and I appreciate it each day that’s still the case. I leave it at that.
Be happy for that 3/4 of the night. Be happy for that number 48. Be happy.
For Amour.
But I get it.
Boobular…… Ha. Good advice from you!
3.5 years is nothing at our age – unless you’re in the middle of a divorce or other semi-trauma.
Anon B
But doesn’t 3.5 years seem so precious?
I am much earlier in the process and each day of happiness seems infinitely precious (except for the frequent wrenching disconnect when I go from on to off and must bid my replacements goodbye for days and days) Still, it’s already March, the months fly by. It could be a excruciating 3 years, no doubt, but a quick 3 years.
You do have that depth of connection from first boyfriend ever. Starting anew, I have been finding people in the same town to date, so there’s that convenience of locality (tho still all the enormous loads of complexity with multiple kids, exes, custody schedules
Etc) but I really am starting out at the beginning now at 45 as far as connecting to people.
I don’t think you’ll just be left alone by Al for the years, these years you get an intense separation and reunion filled romance rather than ordinary togetherness.
Anon B
Oh good luck!