I have real nerve blogging about a movie I have yet to see.
But the truth is, I might not see it. Ever.
Every time I see an ad or trailer I get tearful and anxious. It brings up fears in me that are better left repressed. The other night, while watching the Oscars with Al, every time this movie was mentioned I got emotional. Words came stumbling out of mouth that were nonsensical (okay most are) like, “that movie scares, can’t watch,…” then there are tears and more blathering. By mid-evening, Al had reached his limit with this behavior. He pulled me up into his arms and said,
“SPILL IT. WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM WITH THAT MOVIE?”
He looked at me like this…
Well, it scares me! I haven’t seen the movie but I have read reviews of the movie and I know the plot. Couple love each other, one gets sick, the other cares for the sick one, and I’m sure somebody dies in the end. Because they are old.
And Al and I are already old!
We aren’t even together yet. I don’t know if this will last forever or not but we have already missed 30 years! Those were the ‘good years’ in my opinion. My boobs didn’t sag, he could probably go all night (instead of just 3/4 of the night, My Sweet Baby) and now well, saggyville. We go to sleep at 11 pm. when we are together and I probably snore as loud as he does. I’m just not as hot at 48 as I was at 28 and I resent he missed it. You know how it is….. we talk about our ‘bad knees’ and I use a lumbar pillow. I resent missing those years. When we were together before we weren’t even legal… Now I have hot flashes.
And that movie is a mindfuck to me.
Al and I live 915 miles away from each other. I can’t move because I can’t move the kids away from Stanley, nor would I. He has a child that is 14. Both of us agree that he needs to stay there until she goes to college. If he wasn’t that committed to his kids then I wouldn’t like him. Who knows what will happen in the 3.5 years before she graduates and goes off to school? The distance might get to hard or not worth the bother. To a certain extent the distance has been good because I am very nervous about getting married again. On the other hand, it would be awesome to have him here when I am off with the kids. Either way, we will be at least 3.5 years older before we can live in the same zip code.
I’m afraid that by the time we can be together we will be like the couple up there. I’m afraid that the best years will be gone and there will only be sick years left.
Mindfuck I say.
Al’s response to all of this is that I could worry the horns off a billy goat and that we will have many wonderful years before we are old and sick. He says that we will be together for years longer than we were apart. Currently he has us living to be about 104 in perfect health and still playing Maintenance Man.
Remember those rose colored glasses he wears?
He said the bottom line is that there is no one else he wants to take care of him.
Me either, I guess.
I’m jealous of couples that have made it work and can enjoy a lifetime.