Sometimes I re-read my posts, just to see how I felt at that time or to see how lame they are or irrelevant or full of irrational thoughts. My blog is my own emotional barometer and sometimes I have to do a reading.
Insert Cuckoo Momma for Rand Paul and there you have it.
Lately as I’ve been re-reading myself I’ve been dismayed to see I’ve come across as bitter.
Just from reading my blog, I appear to be distrustful of relationships, suspicious of motives, paranoid, and to have a mean streak a mile wide. None of which make me appealing or fun to be around. It isn’t good. I don’t want to be that way. I want to be trustful of people and believe in love. Do you hear that people?
I WANT TO BELIEVE IN LOVE.
I want my face to not turn down in the middle.
Or for my lips to be permanently pursed together.
I want to rid myself of the scowl.
Bitter isn’t pretty.
I don’t want to step on any toes, but some other people around here come across as bitter too.
But why are we bitter?
(of people or their feelings or behavior) angry, hurt, or resentful because of one’s bad experiences or a sense of unjust treatment.
We are bitter because of all of those things. We were married to people that caused us hurt, made us angry and left us resentful due to bad experiences. We were treated unjustly. Some of us were lied to about other women. Others of us were lied to because we weren’t loved the way we were promised on our wedding day. As a group, our hearts were broken and kicked around and stomped on then taken out to the driveway, hitched to the car and dragged around for a few hundred miles.
We’ve had therapy and cried buckets and stayed in bed for days on end and eaten too many Pringles and pints of Ben and Jerry’s (okay, maybe that is just me.) We have suffered. Suffered people.
We deserve to be bitter. We’ve earned it.
Bad men! Turning nice girls like us bitter.
It’s all their fault.
(Of course everyone knows that marriage is a 2 way street and everyone has some fault somewhere. If you don’t think anything was your fault or you never let the ball fall then you have no insight into your own behavior and probably have a history of unstable relationships, just sayin.)
Unfortunately, bitter isn’t pretty and it isn’t fun to be around and it even gets old to read. I’m bored with my own bitter self. I want to believe in love and the goodness in people. I want to think only happy thoughts and not angry, resentful thoughts when someone tells me they are getting married.
“Oh, How wonderful! Congratulations!”
“Oh God, really? Good luck with that.”
Inappropriate response and my first response of late.
“Yes, he’s great now but wait until you have to pick up his stinky socks!”
Inappropriate response. I have a million of them.
In my mind I have killed Cupid a billion times.
Die. Cupid, you stupid MOFO. Die.
I have a man that tells me he loves me all day every day and I am still cynical.
A few weeks ago he told me “You are so beautiful, just the most beautiful woman.”
“You really are going to have to get a grip.”
For real. He looked crestfallen. Like he’d been shot in the back like Cupid up there.
I’m a horrible person.
I am ready to try to drop the bitter cynicism. There is love all around us. Happy couples are everywhere. I meet people every week that have had long term happy marriages. But it won’t come if we aren’t open to it. Starting now, I am turning over a new leaf. When Al says he loves me and that I am beautiful, I am going to say a simple, “Thank you.” There will be no eye rolling or sarcastic one liners when he mentions soul mates and true love. I swear. I will keep you posted on my progress.