A month ago I did my most favorite thing on earth. Just kidding, I went for my annual GYN appointment and mammogram. I got the lecture about how I needed to exercise and be at a healthy weight (I was 3 spins like Herman Munster),
how my hormones are failing me and exiting in droves, got my boobies squished in a mighty machine, got measured for shrinkage, and got the,
“We are going to go ahead and schedule you for a colonoscopy! Happy Birthday!”
(BTW, when he did the pelvic exam he also put his finger up my ass. Like I wouldn’t notice. I still don’t know what that was about but it also comes with your 50th birthday. Be ready!”)
Then he told me that 75% of colon cancer can be prevented with colonoscopy.
I don’t want that shit, so I said, okay just schedule it.
Stupid, stupid, stupid girl.
First of all, of all the people that I have told I was doing this tomorrow, all which are older than me, none of them have had a colonoscopy yet. I have no idea what possessed me to think that this had to be done right away. Compliant, yes, I am usually compliant with medical stuff, but the first to jump in the colonosopy line mere months after turning 50? What was my problem?!
Today has sucked. OUT LOUD.
First I am on clear liquids all day so I am fucking STARVING.
Fat girls do not like being hungry. I am completely uncomfortable with it.
Second, I had to do this bowel prep which sucked.
I had to drink 64 oz of Gatorade mixed with Miralax after I already took a laxative pill.
Help me Jesus.
Then, I have to get up at 4 a.m. and drink a bottle of Magnesium Citrate.
I may die.
I go in at 8 am for the actual procedure.
The good news is by 10 a.m. it is over, I’m free to eat and go about my life knowing that it is doubtful that colon cancer will get me in the next 10 years.
If you are over 50 and haven’t been yet, be a big girl (or boy) and get this done. For as much as I hate being hungry or self inducing diarrhea, I would hate chemo and a colostomy bag infinitely worse.
You know who you are!