Crashing

After almost 2 years post divorce and 1 year before that of separation,

I still haven’t  adjusted well to my kid free weekends.

I find myself lonely and crashing around emotionally.  

It has been awhile since I had one I realize;  Two weeks ago, during my last kid free weekend, my lovah was here and of course then I was happy and relished every single moment of being with him alone.   Before that, Stanley had his surgery and I had the kids 3 weekends in a row.  I think the weekend before that was another weekend with Al here.  So, it’s been a while since I was in this predicament.   Generally on Friday nights when I’m off, I’m exhausted from nest duty and sit and stare at the TV in a stupor.  Buy by Saturday afternoon I’m lonely. I was trying to do my clinical notes from the week but realized I was crashing and needed to get out.

So, I went to the mall for a bit.

I was so uninspired by the fashion

that even if I had a bucket of money,

which I don’t, I couldn’t have spent it.

I didn’t find one Fiona worthy item for my makeover.

I picked up a pair of black pumps but realized that I had

that exact pair in 1987 and that depressed me more.

I mean, for real.

No no no.

I bumbled around several stores to no avail.

It’s bad when there is no joy in shopping.

So, I came back home, feeling all sorry for myself.

Then I realized that I have allowed myself to become completely isolated lately.  This isn’t good for me.  I’m a social person.  I have a lot of friends, although now I realize that I have no idea what they do on the weekends, most hang out with their kids and husbands.  I have developed a pattern since my divorce I see.  I do the kids when I’m on with them, exclusively, because it takes a lot of time and energy to get them back on task after being with Stanley, who doesn’t do anything in preparing them for school or life really.  So, when I come back in, I’m working with them to get them back in gear, plus well, the laundry, the kid’s business (like ADHD meds for JB), their social stuff, and it fills every minute of my time.  While they are at school, I work and blog.  When I’m off at night, I do clinical notes that I don’t do during the day with the kids.  I don’t really have many work relationships because I am currently a consultant and go in and out of multiple facilities each one day a week.  I have what I would call ‘acquaintances’ in each of them.

Plus my stupid long distance relationship has contributed to this isolation.

The zillion texts that Al and I send back and forth daily

meet my social needs most of the time.

I haven’t really needed to ‘put myself out there’ because I have someone on the other end of my phone who wants to know every detail of my day.  This is good and bad.  Bad because it has exclused all else.  I have let other relationships go.

I have become a lonely walking alone woman who’s lonely.

I need relationships with people that I can see.

It isn’t that I am uncomfortable being alone,

it’s just that I get bored and lonely by myself.

I saw this article by Mandy Walker on Divorced Moms

Do You Have a Personal Divorce Support Team?

Yes.  I do have one.

His name is Al.

Somehow he has become the only member of my team these days.

And make no mistake, he is an excellent support person.

But I am too social for him to be my only social outlet,

especially since I only see his face every 3-4 weeks.

I have to do better. I can see what happened here and I can see the impact it  has on my mood and now I’m going to have to work to put myself out there and increase my social life here.  It sounds like horrible work to me.  But it has to happen.  I’ve done clinical notes this weekend, had my sad shopping experience and watched about 5 movies on cable.

Somehow I’m going to have to put myself out there and

reconnect with my old friends.

Or finally, after 3 years, join a divorce support group and make new ones.

Deep sigh.

I go back on in 4.5 hours with the kids.

Only 4.5 more hours to go.