My head is like this again.
I had a call from a friend today who is in the beginning of the divorce process. She is actually hoping it won’t happen still and for her I hope it all works out. She talked about being nothing but a ‘wreck’ and feeling like a failure. I felt so sorry for her and where she is. It was all too familiar. I still feel that sometimes but I see myself moving out of that stage now. There is life out there and divorce does not define you but it sure as hell feels like it does in the initial stages.
Remember my monkeys?
Shame and his brother Failure
Divorce does not define her or me or anyone of us.
It isn’t what or who we are.
‘Divorced’ is just a stupid adjective to me now. I am divorced, like I am blonde,
like I am verbal, like I can be inpatient with Stanley. Nothing more.
Tonight I had dinner with a dear friend. I told her about my renewed energy finally to get in shape again. She is very fit and eats healthy all the time. So, it was a very dangerous conversation because I am defensive about my pudge and when you start a conversation like that with a fit person there is a lecture sure to follow. And it did. Like we don’t know it is all about portion control and exercising. I mean really. We all know we are supposed to exercise. She did make a statement that has me thinking (Danger, Danger sirens blaring).
She said that her biggest fear since she was an early adult was ‘being fat’.
Thus she has worked very hard not to be fat.
Well, that is my problem then! My biggest fear has never had anything to do with my weight or how I look or anything like that. My biggest fear as an early adult was that I wouldn’t have children. I really, really wanted to have children and be a mom. Not that I thought that I would be excellent at it, I gave that no thought at all, I just knew that when I die, I would feel like I had really missed something in life if I didn’t have a child. Of course 3 children doesn’t exactly promote svelteness.
But, I worked very hard not to be childless.
My weight also does not define me. It is just another adjective.
But motherhood definitely does.
I will be taking a poll over the next few days among my friends of their biggest fear. So far I have received one; “my biggest fear is ending up alone”. I agree, that is as scary as hell.
I’d rather be fat than alone. Fat people are jolly and have friends.
Of course I would rather be thin than fat so it is the stripper pole class and Weight Watchers for me. Did anyone see Betty Draper at Weight Watchers on Mad Men? After class she went home, opened the fridge, sprayed RediWhip into her mouth (come on, who hasn’t done it?) and spit it out in the sink! All of that and she only lost a half a pound! Poor Betty!
(Of course January Jones has been eating her placenta. I wonder where that falls on the food pyramid?)
Just to recap because this was a hot mess; I will not be defined by failure or my divorce; I will not be defined by chubbiness. I will allow ‘mother’ to be in my definition. This is a work in progress.
Might have to try that RediWhip trick.