They pull me back in!
Y’all know I love me some Al.
The pain that keeps on giving. I have been doing pretty well with my divorce crap since the kids got home from England. Fear of dying and leaving my kids, plus the frantic pace of the past few weeks, getting the kids back in school,my PTA stuff, work presentations, patients, etc., has kept the’you’reaterriblefailure’ thoughts at bay.and then…Yesterday, I was looking through my work emails fromthe very beginning of my time with this companysearching frantically for an email containing a password that I have forgotten. And there I saw it…The email thread from Stanley from March, 2011.
|not the real email, of course.|
I didn’t open the email because I’m not that big a glutton for punishmentbut I could see the first line…”I think we need to go ahead and file.” My heart stopped for a minute and all of those feelings flooded back. It’s like I was 47.5 years old again. A child really. Naive about the harsh realities of what divorce means.(I’m laughing about myself totally above but there is some truth there.)
I remember that was a long email thread, full of accusations and harsh words. That was the last one on a thread of about 20 that had flown back and forth. To be honest, I don’t know which one of us said those words,”I think we should go ahead and file.” Like I said, I couldn’t bear to open the email,but I guess it was Stanley since it was from himand the likelihood is that the sentence I could see was his reply.
Does anyone ever really make peace with it?For me there are silver linings but for every silver lining there is a coffin lined in black for sure.
For every flash feeling of freedom there is as flash feeling of failure too.
I don’t hear that whiny shriek on a daily basis
I don’t witness the lack of coping skills on a daily basis
I don’t have to pick up empty beer bottles every morning
I’m not lonely anymore while in the same room with someoneI never hear the words come out of my mouth, “What are you thinking?”
Seriously, I haven’t said that, like, once, since my divorce.
I’m poor as a church mouse.
My kids are from a broken home.
My kids are never with us at the same time.
My yard looks like shit.
I miss having a double income household.
The cons are all basically about kids, $$, repeat.
|This belongs in the pro pile.|
Al says he never ever grieves his marriage.
He told me this week that he can’t get a grip on ‘all this’ divorce grief.
He says, “Yes, I’m poor but it is worth every penny not to have to sleep next to that mean woman every night.”
and I respond,”There is that.”
But seeing that email heading threw me,for just a few moments,back into that time of crisis.My adrenalin rushed, my heart sped up,
I got clammy and all of those feelings
rushed around in me again.
I never want to see that email again.
Yet, I didn’t delete it.
Not because I want to keep it.
But because I couldn’t bring myself to touch it with the cursor.
So it is still there.
Haunting my inbox like an STD.
I’ll give someone $5 to get rid of it.
Sorry that’s all I can afford.