Exercise?

I’ll be damned.

So, now that I am done with my divorce and Stanley is out there picking up every two-bit beer wench, I have decided it is time to get myself in shape.

Now I’ve seen it all.

Last time I bothered to look (one marriage and three breast feeding kids ago) the elliptical and the Thigh Master were the height of torture. Who knew this crazy shit was out there!

Nutrisystem, Weight Watchers and aerobics classes. I get that. No pain , no gain. My momma taught me that years ago. But Colon cleaners, herbal flushes and liquid diets sound like bad news to me. I was really horrified (and admittedly intrigued) by one outfit in my town that offered pole dancing for dieters! Lap dances, pole yoga, etc. Everything but how to pick up dollar bills with the cheeks of your ass!

Why not cut to the chase and call it “Fuck Yourself Fit”?

Class Descriptions

Strip to Fit-Pole

Try this fun and flirty class combining the fun of striptease with the flirt of pole. A step up from Strip to Fit, this dance class will bring you up from the floor and out of your box! Work the full body with the great dance moves in combination with moves to improve upper body strength. Beginner level spins are taught in these classes, usually 1-2 swings a month.

Pole Technique

Pole Technique is a great class that will move you through the challenges of learning and mastering the Pole, Beginning with the basics and moving through the advancements of swings. Build upper body strength while perfecting your spins, combination spins, and confidence. The 12 week sessions will help you to master the beginner level spins and prepare for more advanced pole work.

Intermediate Pole

Intermediate pole takes fun and fitness to a whole new level! Learn to climb, invert, and take combinations to the highest heights! A natural progression from Pole Technique, this is the next challenge to mastering the acrobatics of pole work.

Strip to Fit-Lap

Taking Striptease back to the basics. No Pole, but lots of sexy floor work, as well as a chair as a prop and seat for that special someone. Come in and get a great workout that is fun, different, flirty, and never feels like exercise!

Yes! It never feels like exercise!! Woohoo!!

And this was in my newspaper on Sunday. My Aunt Mae would be horrified.

Yes, I do realize I said the F word up there.

My question is, what does a newly divorced woman do with these skills? I know myself and if I learn how to pole dance and lap dance I am gonna be all up into finding somebody to practice on. I’d probably scare the shit out of some God fearin southern gentlemen.

On the other hand, I hear Zac Efron likes this stuff,

so let me get my Dramamine and see if my health insurance is paid up!