Stanley left for the beach with the kids on Saturday morning. I packed them and had them ready and kissed them goodbye and then cried the rest of the day. Truly, it was terrible. One friend called me (about something unrelated) and found me in pieces. She suggested that this was just another grief ‘bump’ which I know is true. I finally gave in to the misery and decided to just hide myself away and try to cry it out.
I mean, I went back to zero. I doubted every decision that I have made. Including the divorce. I wondered if I could throw myself on Stanley’s mercy and tell him I didn’t mean it. Of course, I didn’t want him like it is now, I was grieving back to those days when we were happy and held hands while driving to the beach. I questioned whether I should have faked marriage with him (he probably wouldn’t have noticed!) just to not have to take separate vacations with the kids. Oh, and I cried from feelings of insecurity too. Even though he was practically useless and didn’t make me feel safe, I think that ‘marriage’ made me feel safe.My sweet mom was texting me in the midst, and telling me that I had to ‘dig deep’ and find my faith and turn it over to God to help me through it. I feel like I have lost all of that strength. Whatever faith I had at some point feels thin and shallow. I’ve spent 15 years with someone that doesn’t believe he has a soul and I guess that took a toll on me. I need it back and I don’t quite know how to find that again. Yesterday was better. I had chores and errands and I worked a bit. I took dinner last night to my girlfriend who lost her mother after a short illness 2 weeks ago. My friend has been through so much the last few years, including breast cancer, a double mastectomy and reconstruction. She is exactly my age. She has a beautiful family and a supportive husband.
When she was diagnosed with cancer, she kept seeing dragonflies. She tells stories of (the first time) she had a real crisis after just getting the diagnosis and she was praying to God for strength, sitting alone in her car, and a dragonfly kept flying in front of her windshield. It happened again and again, this dragonfly thing, and even I played into it unknowingly. We had dinner and I picked her up a little gift and I stood and debated in the store on what to get. At dinner, she opened a dragonfly etched little trinket for her desk at work and burst into tears before telling me the dragonfly story. It happened again with this with her mom. She said she was walking into the hospital, after flying to FL all day when she got the call that she needed to come NOW, and she said as she was walking, scared and exhausted, into the hospital, she was praying, “please GOD, help my mom, help me, help my mom” and a dragonfly hovered right in front of her. She said she felt peace and that God was with her no matter what happened.I think it is beautiful that she has a clear sign that gives her comfort. And hey, just for the record, it isn’t like dragonflies are everywhere. I go ages and years without encountering a dragonfly. For whatever my spiritually shallow wasteland, I do think that the universe/God is sending her messages of hope and comfort. I need a few of those. I don’t know what my sign would be. Possibly I need to open my eyes and heart to see goodness and signs of comfort around me. Maybe every time someone drops a beer bottle or something I can take it as a hug from God.
Just kidding, there has to be humor somewhere.
I have beautiful, beautiful friends. Thanks to them for their concern and love this weekend when you called and found wreckage. Thanks especially to A for the emergency Xanax run offer on Saturday night. You are never alone if you have friends like mine. Also thanks to M who spent a good while yesterday listening to me process out loud that maybe I made a mistake in ending my marriage.
Of course I didn’t. 15 years of that made me a shallow wasteland inside where before my soul was lush and green. The kids are fine by the way. He will take good care of them. The first vacation away from me will pass and we will all get through it.
My goal now is to try to nurture something inside of me so that I can ‘dig deep’ when needed. I want to be able to recognize the signs of peace and hope.
This week will be busy. I am going to be out of town working and will meet up at the end of the week with
the first boyfriend ever, who has become a good friend. Wish me luck. We haven’t seen each other in 30 years. I’m putting on my big girl pants and facing the music.
Send positive thoughts up that he doesn’t run away screaming.
Oh Mama, there is a lot in here!
Grief – I’m sitting here with you, sharing your grief. BLW told me to allow myself the sadness, or something like that, and I think it’s true. We have to allow these feelings to wash over us, to just be with them. They will pass. How are you feeling today? I have found that surviving feelings like the ones you describe helps me when they come again another time, as I can remember “It hurt last time, too, but it went away, and this too will go away…” Praying that your sadness will soon leave you.
And speaking of praying – it is such tricky territory, isn’t it? I had a post on faith a while back as well, and it’s one I want to revisit. I can assure you of this: your soul is not a barren wasteland. I think, just maybe, that it is a fallow field. It’s been sitting there, regenerating, and with the spring and summer it will burst into full bloom again. What looks like barren land to you is actually rich, lush, fertile soil, filled with seeds.
Your sign will come to you. You won’t know what it is until you see it, but you told me “it was a sign” once, and I believe your signs are close at hand, now that you’re looking for them.
And ohhhh, you ended on a high note! Hoping that your trip, with the visit, makes your soul sing. (For big girl panties, I recommend Hanky Panky brand. Super sexy and amazingly comfortable. Just sayin.)
That digging deep – whatever keeps you going – will be harder on some days than others. When our kids are around, we feel so needed so it’s easier to keep on keepin’ on, even if it’s exhausting.
When we’re left alone, it’s only natural to replay things in our minds, to have selective memory, to suffer all kinds of guilt (reasonable and not so reasonable), and to imagine we’ll never find our way out.
I might say – and borrowing from another single mom, April at It’s all About Balance – it’s more that we find our way through. And that includes good days and bad days.
My belief? Eventually, the good days will outnumber the bad.
Sending you positive thoughts.
Your words always resonate. I am only one week into my separation/nesting situation and I have found it much harder than I expected. Even though I am only away from the kids for very short time spans, I find it tough. I am so used to being there for them whenever they need me that it is really hard to relinquish that to being there only half the time. I guess I think it would be strange if we didn’t have moments of sadness and second guessing- you’d have to be heartless to be unaffected.