Today’s post is courtesy of Al who said he had too much to tell me about his fun-filled weekend with his ex and requested to write about it instead. Of course I said “Yes!”
MY COMMENTS ARE IN BOLD CAPS BECAUSE IT’S MY BLOG.
I am on the cusp of a major milestone in my post divorce life. My Ex and I have finally reached an agreement to finally sell the former marital home. This was the good news. The bad news was that this past weekend I agreed to put some sweat equity into the house. This meant two full days in close proximity to my Ex. One of which was completely without the buffer of one of the children.
This time together was full of the landmines that CM is so skilled at pointing out. (OH HELL YES, I CAN SPOT A PATTERN NOW, ESPECIALLY IF IT ISN’T MY OWN). My ex and I have a hard time communicating about the weather. Two days on the same property could be combustible. In addition, CM aint a big fan of my ex. (TRUE FACT). Mainly because she (the Ex) is mean as a snake to me and often the kids, & crazy as a box of rubber crackers.
Let me put it like this. If you put Stanley and I in the same room together and left us alone it would be civil. (TRUE. STANLEY IS LAZY AND THOUGHTLESS BUT NOT MEAN). If you left CM and my Ex in the same room you would hear the sounds of bodily harm being inflicted. I believe the preferred weapon of choice would be her feet. The last thing my Ex might ever see is a very well manicured blue toe nailed foot approaching her ribs at a high rate of speed. (YES, BLUE POLISH FROM LATEST PEDI. BUT I WOULD NEVER RISK A NEW PEDICURE WHICH IS WHY I CARRY A PURSE). Now if my mother was added to this mix my ex’s body would only be identifiable via dental records.
You get the point.
So bright and early Saturday morning my Ex picked me up. The twenty minute drive usually sets the tone for these encounters so I was very happy to see she had brought the two Chihuahua’s along. After checking their behinds for any string (see CM’s post regarding this) I was more than happy to have the distraction. It didn’t take long for the unspoken ground rules to be established:
Allowed topics: The kids, the house, work,
Prohibited topics: My business, her business, money, anything else in the whole world.
The main purpose of my work was to clean out, paint & “ brighten up” the basement. It was dirty and dank & full of dust bunnies and rubbish. It had to be done and really it wasn’t like I had to spend hours on a ladder. It also ensured that I would be left alone.
As I worked I began to notice two things. First, my Ex talks on the phone A LOT! I mean marathon epic calls about Lord knows what. I couldn’t hear specifics, but the steady drone of what can only be described as Charlie Browns teacher voice was like a gnat flying around my ears. Should have brought some music.
I AM SO ADVERSE TO TALKING ON THE PHONE. WHO IS SHE TALKING TO AND WHY?
Secondly, it became evident that my former home had become haunted by Marley’s Ghost! Above my dusty head I heard booms and rattling. Large objects seemed to fall from the sky and crash to the floor above me. At one point I thought I heard chains being dragged across the floor. Fearing the worst I yelled up “ Everything ok up there? “Just tidying!” was the reply. Hate to see what a real clean might bring.
THIS WOMAN IS A PIG. HE SENT ME A PIC OF THE KITCHEN AND THERE WAS AN UNCOOKED PACKAGE OF BACON ON THECOUNTERTOP THAT HAD BEEN THERE SEVERAL DAYS.
So I was working away painting a cinder block wall when I heard a little snicker behind me. My immediate reaction was to say, “Bitch you better not start because this paintbrush would look good upside your face.” What I said was “Is something amusing?” She said, “This is so typically you. All methodical & whatnot while you paint. I’d have just slapped that paint on and been done with it.”
I did not take kindly to this and what followed wasn’t a fight, but more a running skirmish. Any comment by either of us was immediately refuted. Observations where immediately ridiculed. Soon I just turned my back on her and she left to finish whatever. No sooner had she left when I thought “ Thank GOD I am not married to THAT anymore!” It was the last five years of my marriage played out in a three minute play. The tension, animosity & complete breakdown of any form of cooperation were on full display. I felt like I had run a marathon. It was exhausting. Then I had the epiphany:
I was no longer married for some very good reasons. And that not being married was a good thing, a healthy thing for me. My marriage had run its course. It had reached the end of the line because that is where it was destined to end. My Ex and I could no more change that single fact then we could change who we were. Two people who simply could not and would not be partners. Our dynamic wouldn’t allow it. All the drama and emotion of the final years and the divorce itself simply fell away. Why had became the most irrelevant word.
Ok so that has now become Part I of this story. Stay tuned for the conclusion. Sunday held its own chuckles and revelations!
SHE DIDN’T APPRECIATE YOU BUT I DO.
SEE YOU FRIDAY.
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