Just when I thought I was feeling better.
Last night I went to dinner with a group of my dearest friends. We got caught up on everyone’s lives, kid problems, aging parent problems, and when it was my turn, I told them that Stanley is taking the kids to the beach for a week in June. I got the ‘why don’t you go?’
Well. Because I am divorced. And just because we bird nest and see each other all the time doesn’t mean we want to spend the week together on vaca. He has a week with kids and I have a week with kids in the summer. Right? Isn’t that how this is supposed to work? Then I got the, “I don’t see how you can leave your kids” and a look down sideways at her plate.
Wait a minute, was that judgement from you?
Backtrack: Before I got there at the restaurant to meet them for dinner I told another one of my friends that this was going to be the first time in 2 years that I had been with them and not cried about my marriage/divorce and that I was so grateful for their friendship and patience and support.
Yeah, not so much.
So, I see the judging look and cannot FUCKING believe that she said that, and I went all apeshit and got all tearful and told her/them in no uncertain terms that I HAVE NOT left my kids that I bird nest FOR my children, not because I can relish being with Stanley because most of the time I CANNOT, and that every thing I do, I do for my kids. I keep a bag packed in my closet all the time because of my kids. And so does Stanley. But it isn’t in his closet it is in the middle of the FUCKING floor.
And just a reminder. No one is perfect. Although I didn’t bring up all of her imperfections.
We all have our problems people.
Well, she fast backtracked and said that she just meant she couldn’t stand not to be there, for ‘making memories’ and that she thought I was a wonderful mother. Yada Yada, the damage was done, the guilt had set in. I love this friend and I will not hold it against her. But with my recent divorce, it is always about a 5 minute walk from OK to Guiltville, even when I think I am moving away from it.
Then, this morning Jumping Bean heaped me with it.
I keep talking about how great my kids are doing with our divorce and bird nesting, and she went down the ‘I don’t like this rotating business and I want you both to be here all the time’. It is the last day of school little dude. Your life has hardly changed through this. She sees her dad as much as kids from intact families whose parents travel for work. She sees me everyday because I pick them up from school. I will be here every day during the summer because I set my schedule for work, although I will be off some nights per our regular schedule. I guess I will spend some time this weekend talking to her about it again.
I’m really doing the best I can here people.
I just got a call that my sister in law’s sister died. There are people everywhere, at every turn, that are going through something worse than me and my kids. It is just life. We will all be ok.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but even when it isn’t a “recent” divorce, it can be a 5 minute walk from okay to guiltville. (Beautifully phrased, by the way.)
And I don’t say that to bring you down. If anything, I say that to tell you it’s okay and you’re okayand they are judging but they don’t get it and they can’t get it and even some divorced moms won’t get it – depending on their own circumstances.
People judge. In my experience, in our culture, women judge each other – terribly. Take a breath, and do what feels right – for you.
And try not to feel so guilty. We’re doing a lot. More than a lot. We’re living shreds and conflicts and compromises that so many don’t have to – and won’t, if they’re lucky.