I realized this morning that two years ago I was getting ready to go to court.
It was d-day for me.
Yes, it is my 2nd divorce anniversary.
In my state, only one of us had to go and so Stanley decided he would skip it. I had to sit on the witness stand and testify that my marriage was over with no hope of reconciliation and then the judge asked about our strange custody arrangement. He had more questions about birdnesting than anything, and then it was over. The lawyer told me as I was leaving that I was divorced. He said “If you or your ex gets killed in a car going home tonight, you are divorced, not a widowed.”
I remember thinking, “WELL DAMN.”
I don’t remember what I wore that day but I do remember that I wore my red lipstick.
I had some idea that it would make me feel powerful or keep me from crying.
My vermillion lips matched my red rimmed eyes a few hours later.
Interestingly enough, when I got into the court room, I sat down next to a woman that I knew. She was also getting a divorce that day. She is actually a friend of a friend but I have been with her on numerous occasions. We were both nervous. There were, “What are YOU doing here?” murmerings from both of us.
We hugged and held hands.
After court, I went to breakfast with a friend that went with me that day. I can’t imagine it was much fun for her, I think I was probably a wreck. Then I spent the rest of the day avoiding my children. My mom did carpool because I didn’t think I could face the kids yet. For some reason, I was dreading looking them in the eye. I was tearful and didn’t want them to realize that today was the day.
I still grieve my divorce but time marches on.
I can’t believe it’s been two years!
I’m okay right?
My kids seem okay.
Stanley seems fine, he lives with his girlfriend and seems happy.
Oh, and my friend who was in court the same day as I was?
She got married last June.
So, she’s certainly okay.
Yeah, I’m okay and moving on and getting better all the time. Right?
There are many good things that have happened to me since then. First, for a cold hard cynic, I am in love with someone who is quite possibly, my soul mate. I never believed in them and now I kind of do. I’m almost 50 years old and living a great love affair. Second, I am a published writer and have made my first dollar writing. I had been published before in a book about grief but my blog success and the opportunities I have had to write about birdnesting have been so much more meaningful that I don’t even count that other book. This has opened up a new world for me and made me believe that people care about the things in my head. That has been priceless considering I spent 14 years with a man that would barely converse with me and certainly didn’t care about what I was thinking. Third, I’ve met lots of really cool people who have also survived divorce. Oh, fourth, well, I’m having the best sex ever and would have NEVER known what that was like if I hadn’t gotten divorced. Just sayin.
So, as long as AMEX doesn’t cart me off, I’m FINE.
If they do, please someone bring me some lipgloss in Debtor’s Prison.