How to Hex an Ex

Stanley, Stanley,Stanley

(Sing to the tune of “She Blinded Me With Science” puhleez)

Dumbassery in Action

 

Lord.

I need to start at the beginning.  Actually, I need to start where I am now, then go back to the beginning.  I am sitting on the sofa in my lovah’s apartment on the East Coast.  We have had a wonderful time, he had a great doctor’s appointment, we had a fancy dinner and have sore parts.  We are grinning like fools.  But getting here was a bitch.

My kids have just finished their second week of school.  It has been hairy.  The Boy started high school and has done fine, except for we got a notice that they arrested a student with a loaded handgun on Tuesday.

 

 

Not good.  I tried to keep it in perspective but really, there is no appropriate perspective that is not horrific in this instance. Luckily, no one on FB was misguided enough to tell me that “it isn’t a gun control issue its a mental health issue” because I would have gone off on their ass.  A 15 year old took a loaded handgun to school because he had access to a loaded handgun.  There are too many guns in homes.  It’s bullshit.  People that don’t think it’s bullshit value their gun more than the safety of children.  End of story.

*Climbing off of soapbox*

Second, Merlot has a nervous stomach and starting 4th grade, changing classes and all has been more than it could handle.  She puked in the hallway at 3:30 a.m. Monday morning trying to make it to the toilet.   After lots of conversation about her anxiety and a determination made that she wasn’t actually sick, she went to school in tears on Monday morning.   She was sure that any sort of vomit would get her off but it was only the 6th day and she wasn’t actually sick.  After school she begged me to stop at Sonic so she was fine.  Tuesday morning was the same except she didn’t throw up.  She complained of nausea and again she went to school again crying.  It was terrible.  She likes her teacher and her classmates, she is anxious about school.  I also don’t think it helped that she knew I was leaving on my trip on Tuesday.  After 3.5 years,  she is still finding the transitions hard and she doesn’t even have to leave the house,  we come to her.  ARRRRGGGHHHH.

While I was working with Merlot’s adjustment issues with school, me leaving etc, on Tuesday evening, Jumping Bean, who just started 7th grade, came to me and said, “Ummm, Mom, this study guide for Tom Sawyer is actually much harder than I thought and it’s due tomorrow.”  Me, “When was this assigned?”  “Umm, I don’t know, last week sometime?”

 

 

Holy God.

Truly, I was so happy no one got killed at school that day,  that after a minor lecture on procrastination, I rolled up my sleeves and started trying to help her finish.  It was a bitch.  It it took the 2 of us 5 hours.  After she went to bed at 11:15, I headed to turn out lights and let the dog out again and remembered I hadn’t done the dishes or even put the food away.  It was still in pots on the stove, all because of freaking Tom Sawyer.  I  put away the food, left the dishes, and tried to do some notes because I was on deadline, which was a joke.  I finally went to bed at about 1 a.m.  The alarm went off at 5:50 a.m.  I was exhausted because I was afraid I would oversleep and so woke up every hour to look at the clock.  In addition, I was having hot flashes and kept having to cuss silently in my head.  That takes time.

At 6 a.m. I was walking aimlessly around the house trying to figure out which room makes coffee.

 

 

When in Jumping Bean comes and says, “MOM!  I started my period!”

#firsttimeever

 Her timing is impeccable, as usual.

So, officially, I’m drying up like an old apple doll at the exact same time as she is coming into full bloom.  What are the chances that we are both dealing with hormonal changes at the same time? But, thank God it was me on and not Stanley.  She would probably have just wadded toilet paper in her undies because I know she wouldn’t have told him.

It would be like telling the Earl of Grantham,

 

So, there was a lot going on and my flight was leaving at 5:30 in the afternoon.

I got JB fixed up, took a crying Merlot to school, packed, shaved everything, worked, did carpool, and talked to Stanley for 25 minutes on the phone about current household events and all 3 kids.  I also made him a big list, left on the kitchen island in red:

Daddy’s List

1. IEP meeting for Merlot, Thursday 8:30 a.m.
2.  Meet the Teacher night, Merlot, Thursday, 6:00 pm
3. Merlot needs crackers to settle her stomach first thing when she wakes up
4. Kid’s uniforms are washed and hanging in their closets they should be set.
5. The Boy needs to take $20 on Friday to give to carpool kid.
6. JB needs to finish Tom Sawyer
7. Merlot must study for spelling test on Friday.
   GOOD LUCK.

Now I had also talked to him on the phone about all above.  I had told him about JB and her period and handled that with her so that he really shouldn’t have had to do anything.  So, off I fly to meet my lovah.  I’m all happy as a lark, skipping around up here, la di da I’m flitting around like a fairy,

 

 

 

when I get a text from JB.  I answer back getting details of the day and said, did Merlot go with Daddy to meet the teacher night?  She’s all like, no, he’s right here.

W.T.F?

I text Stanley, although it is nearly over by this point, “did you forget the meeting?”

No response.

I start ranting to Al about how I had done everything to remind him but send a car to hoist his ass off the sofa and transport him there.

 

 Finally, 2 hours later, he answered my text.

“Forget what?  First I heard about meet the teacher.”

BONK!  Wrong answer!  First of all, Merlot gave us the sheet for Meet the Teacher when we were standing together doing nest exchange.  He told her to be sure to put it on the calendar since he would be going.  Second, we discussed it on the phone.  Third, I left it on the note.  IN RED.

I was mighty pissed.

Like we discussed on the phone, we needed to be there because of her anxiety to talk to her 4 teachers.   I would have been okay if he had said, “OMG, I forgot!”

But, first I heard about it?

I mumbled under my breath for hours after that. Al finally asked if I was putting a hex on him.

No, but actually that is an excellent idea.

Assclown.