I Can’t Even Escape My Divorce In My Dreams

Divorce, the gift that keeps on giving.

The trauma of divorce keeps showing itself.. much like Kim Kardashian’s Ass.

(Srsly, I don’t ever need to see it again.  I’m done with it.)

Wait, I think I just compared divorce to Kim’s ass.

Oh law.

But divorce is a burden.  It is a big burden that is hard to put down.  Just like Kim’s ass.

Divorce is a burden that is hard to shake, even when one is happily in love with an emotionally available man.  I feel like I am doing fine with it and getting to a good and happy place where I have reconciled myself to what happened with Stanley and the end of the life we had built together.  Because of course you don’t just grieve the relationship, you grieve the lifestyle and home you made together.

Which sucks.

But I feel happy.  I am looking forward to the future.  I get ready for bed at night, feeling all happy and adjusted and then I lay my head down to sleep, after I take my 50 mg of Zoloft and pop 2 Tylenol PM’s, think a few happy Al thoughts, turn on the light because I forgot to put lotion on my hands and dry feet, turn the light off again, then turn it back on because the dog heard me moving around and is crying so I go down to bring her up, crawl back in bed, turn the light off again, yell at the dog to stop licking me, sigh really big because I have decided I’m thirsty, decide to ignore it and finally go to sleep.

I look just like this.

Only to wake up a bit later in tears because I have had a bad dream.

Sometimes I  have dreams where Stanley and I are still married and living in the last house that we lived in where we were happy.  I wake up sad, tearful and stay in a funk for a few hours, even throughout the next day.  It’s like I grieve again for that happy time and I have to get used to the new reality again.  I have a very hard time going back to sleep after those dreams.

 

The last time it happened I realized, after biting Al’s head off when he wanted to talk on the phone, that I was angry.  Those dreams really make me mad at Stanley, at myself, at the whole situation.  I had to apologize profusely to my lovah fiancee for taking it out on him.

Worse yet, sometimes I have dreams that my kids need me and I can’t help them.

 No, children!  Not cocaine!!!  Noooooooo.

I wake up feeling like a shitty mother that can’t keep her kids out of bad trouble.

It puts me in a funk all day and when I pick them up after school I hug and kiss them and make them hold my hand in the car.  That’s normal right?

I wish I could dream of weddings and unicorns, because as Dumbledore says

(and he’s always right, Lord knows)

No.  It does not.

 I can’t go back to where Stanley and I were happy no matter what else happens.  That part of my life is over. I don’t even want to go back.  I want to go forward.  Yet, I grieve a happy family for the kids and I hate not being with them everyday. That creates internal discord and the feeling like I am out of touch and unable to protect them.

My dreams are killing me people.

Does anyone else have dreams like this?  I can’t be the only one.

**Thanks to everyone who shared your custody arrangements, it really helped. 🙂