I Married an Assclown: A How Not To Guide

Normal
0

false
false
false

EN-US
X-NONE
X-NONE

/* Style Definitions */
table.MsoNormalTable
{mso-style-name:”Table Normal”;
mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;
mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;
mso-style-noshow:yes;
mso-style-priority:99;
mso-style-parent:””;
mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt;
mso-para-margin-top:0in;
mso-para-margin-right:0in;
mso-para-margin-bottom:8.0pt;
mso-para-margin-left:0in;
line-height:107%;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:11.0pt;
font-family:”Calibri”,”sans-serif”;
mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;}

I had a wonderful weekend with my lovah.

He knocks my socks off (and panties) and leaves me with a goofy grin.

 sigh

He got here on Thursday morning and left on Saturday evening.

His daughter was in a play at school and he had to get back.

We were with my kids both Thursday and Friday after school at the nest.

Funny, but when Stanley is on nest duty, but I’ve picked the kids up from school,

I always send Stanley a text asking him to let me know

when he leaves work so I can scoot Al out the door.

They have yet to meet although I have met his girlfriend twice.

When I sent Stanley the message his reply was

Ok.  But I promise not to kill him or anything

If I ever do actually meet him.

 

As if.

I can beat Stanley up myself.

 

Anyway, Al and I had a great, although short, visit.

We had a great time Friday night, just having a nice dinner

and smiling at each other over the table.

We flirted.

We kissed, and squeezed and fondled.

People stared.

We didn’t care.

Don’t be a hater.

But that’s all over now, nothing left but the sore parts

and it’s back to life as I know it.

Which sort of sucks.

First, when I came back on nest duty Sunday night, Stan the man

had really outdone himself in the mess department.

It took me 2.5 hours to clear a path from the door to the sink.

I came in at 5 and found so many dirty dishes I had to run

the dishwasher twice.

I tried to cuss him only under my breath.

Then, I came upstairs to discover that all of the kids dirty laundry

was on the floor of their rooms, their school uniforms, etc.

I had to do 2 loads of laundry so they could wear clean clothes.

By that time, I was livid and cussing him up, down and ass backwards.

Merlot heard me (for shame) and said, “Well, Daddy did do laundry!”

Yes, HIS LAUNDRY.

He is a total assclown.

 There are many benefits to nesting.

But me doing all the housework is not one of them.

Every time he does that to me he is in violation of our agreement.

Assclown. 

(Did I call him that already?)

Assclown.

But truly, he is no worse than he ever was.

He was a mess when we lived together and I did everything.

I had fair warning.

I was the mommy and I’m still the mommy.

I need to write a book and call it

I Married an Assclown: A How Not To Guide

It would be short and to the point.

1. If he is selfish while you are dating, he will turn out to be a narcissistic assclown.
2. If he is a mess while you are dating, he will turn out to be a filthy assclown.
3. If he is emotionally avoidant while you are dating, he will turn out to be a spockish assclown.
4. If he drinks a lot while you are dating, he will turn out to be a drunk assclown.
5. If he sits on the sofa with his hands in his pants and watches you work, he will be a lazy assclown.
6. If he is a bad lover while you are dating, he will turn out to be a prematurely ejaculating assclown.

I could go on and on and on.

(I spared you a photo of a prematurely ejaculating assclown.  You’re Welcome.)

That sucker could end up on the NY Times bestseller list.

I wonder if his girlfriend is his new mommy now?

Yuck, on so many levels…

I want my lovah back.

sob,