I Must Love Divorce..

because from the judgement I have received about it recently

one would think I had inflicted this upon myself and my 

children just for fun.

Like I just got a divorce instead of going to Disney World.

So apparently after all this time, and none of my brothers ever calling to ask me if I am okay, they, per my mom, have some concerns about my divorce and if I did everything I could for my children.  

So yesterday, I posted about the texts I got from my middle brother.  Well today, after talking to my mother, I learn that several other family members also have concern that I didn’t do everything I could to save my marriage and prioritize the needs of my children.

NOT ONE OF THEM CALLED ME.

So I wrote those assholes an email.  I gave them every little detail. 

I’ll just post it for you.  Names have been changed to protect the guilty.

Dear Brothers,

So I had some texts with Brother A this week and it was upsetting to me andmade me realize how little you both know of my life or situation.

Brother B, mom has told me that you feel like you did reach out to me andother than that one lunch, I don’t remember another occasion but I’m sorry if you think I blew you off.

I wasn’t raised to be divorced.  I cry a lot. I tried to get Stanley to stay until the kids were grown and he told me no.  He is under theimpression that the kids will be okay if we are okay.   I’m not so sure and have had many concerns re his cavalier attitude toward their adjustment.  He also told me that he didn’t care enough about me towork on our marriage or make changes.  

I don’t feel like I am divorced by choice.  His beer hobby and subsequent consumption was not okay with me.  He refused to consider my feelings and said he didn’t want to work on it.   At that point I decided I had to make the split as easyon the kids as possible. Judges today like to give parents 50/50 custody.  I did not want him to take my kids to a ratty apartment every few days and so I researched custody arrangements and convinced Stanley, the mediator,  the attorney and the judge that this arrangement could work.  

The children sleep in their own bed everynight.  The dog is there and their stuff is there.  I work a FT job in the hours that they are in school so that I can pick them up and see them everyday. I help with HW, do their laundry, make meals and makesure they have what they need. When it is S’s night with them I stay until he gets there at 6 or so and then leave.  I am with the children because of this arrangement, every day except for every other Saturday. That is 28 out of 30 days per month. The kids have not had any change in behavioror school performance. 

Jumping Bean is at times emotional but she has ADHD and has always been my most emotional child.  Stanley and I have dinner with them together often (at my arrangement), sit together at school functions, go to teachers meetings together, and trick or treated together last night.  Very few of the school staff or their friends parents know we are divorced.  Stanley has a small apartment where he stays.  He has had about 6 girlfriends and is seeing someone now.  The kids have not met her yet bc he agrees with me not to introduce other partners until we are sure it is someone worthy of being in their lives.  

They have met Al several times but he stays at a hotel when he is here on my weekends; because he is from my past they view him as kind of a family friend. The children have seen me very sad and alone.    I worry that they worry about me bc I cry so much.  When I go to church I sit and cry the whole time.  That causes them stress and worry.  I was trying to wait to go back until I have a better handle on my emotions.  I may have waited too long. Also I feel very judged by you.  But the truth is that none have walked in my shoes.  Also you don’t know that S is a very mean drunk.  He is doing less of that now bc he has become diabetic. Unfortunately it was only very recently. 

Whatever. If he is less volatile with the kids, i will take any reason that he drinks less. Al is wonderful and a blessing to me.  This is slow going bc of the distance etc.  I can’t move the kids and he has responsibilitiesthere.  He flies in about once per month.  He is a good man. The children are my absolute priority.  People that see me and spend time with me know that.  I am a mother, I work and I am very involved at their schools.  That is my life. I am doing the best that I can.  I don’t know how long S will commit to the house arrangement.   It is expensive and he is nothing if not selfish.  He has already told me that he wants his money back and for us to sell.   By the summer I may be tying to afford it on my own.  I am determined to keep them as stable as possible and for them not to have to suffer because of my mistake. I hope this gives you some clarity about my life.  I love you both.

ME

I hate the evangelical judgemental south.  Instead of supporting me in my pain, I had to get the judgement.  I got the “You aren’t taking the kids to church enough”.   To be honest, not one of my sister in laws have a job so I was already a black sheep. 

It is possible that I will have to be stoned in order to be worthy of forgiveness.

I was very gracious to those assholes.

I wanted to write:

Dear Brothers,

Thanks for all the calls, cards and letters.  It really helped get me through the toughest days of my life.  The children appreciate it too.  

Fuck you very much,

Your loving sister.

Al, in reading prior to me sending the email, told me that I was going to shame them with my brutal honesty and for real I got a call from Brother A exactly 90 seconds after I pushed send.   Since I am trashing him here it is pretty obvious  I’m still mad at him and the airplane he flies in on anyway.  It will take me a while to get over the feeling of being judged by them.  Because when they get a freaking neck ache and I call to check on them.  (Which is how this all started, I called to check on Brother A who has a neck ache).   Well he gave me one too.

Would they have been more supportive of me if Stanley had cheated on me?

I suspect so.  

Stanley was too lazy to cheat.

Al says all I have to do is say the word and he will send Uncle Sonny.

 

Okay.  I’m putting it down.

If not tonight, then tomororw.