My new husband is wonderful. He makes Stanley look like a monkey in a relationship.
The new marriage is going swimmingly, if I do say so myself, and yes, he is happy too. He flew back to his previous life last week for a few days to work in the office and to visit with his kids. He said he couldn’t wait to come back because everybody seemed so ‘blah’ about their lives and it was killing his happy buzz. (That was for anybody out there who thinks I might be just a taker in the relationship, I’m a giver actually. We are both givers. Giver + Giver = 2 happy people).
But, I hate, hate, hate the kids going back and forth.
It is hard on them. I know how hard it is, I did it for 4.5 years.
See The Burden of the Bag for my experience.
My kids are doing the weekly divorced kids shuffle and are forgetting crap left and right and it isn’t even school time yet. This week they were at my place and JB didn’t have her headphones (HORRORS) and Merlot didn’t have her summer reading. Okay, I get it, Jumping Bean needs 2 sets of headphones but I am not buying those books again. All of them are complaining of sleep issues; sleeping well when you sleep in different beds is hard. I know. I hope they adjust to it soon. But, I never did and I am grown and could use a sleep-aid.
And for all of you that tell yourselves that kids are resilient, think again.
People are resilient. Kids are just people and are no more resilient than adults are. As a matter of fact, one could say they are less resilient, because they have fewer high functioning coping skills because they haven’t had to learn them yet. Plus, in addition to a lack of sleep-aids, they also can’t drink wine or margaritas not to mention the difficulty they have in getting their hands on nerve pills. To get through my divorce and house shuffle, my primary coping mechanisms were: Xanax, Zoloft, Ambien, friends to cry on, a blog to process, all washed down with a fermented grape or alcoholic beverage.
This was how I felt inside for 4 years… and still when I drop them off.
Stanley did give me permission to see the kids during his weeks when he is at work. I can go pick them up and bring them here or take them out when he is doing his 8 hour work day. Week before last when he had them, I picked the girls up to go with me to the vet (because they love it) on Monday, got them all for lunch on Tuesday, and had my scheduled mid-week dinner on Wednesday. I use the shit out of the mid-week dinner. I pick them up at about 2 and drop them off at about 8 p.m.
Stanley picks them up at 5:30 and drops them off 45 min later.
Al and I have been using his mid-week dinner for some alone time and I’m telling you it has to be a quickie.
I dropped them off last night and felt like they were I was dropping off some orphans when they got out of the car. Pathetic.
I felt like a terrible mother and reamed myself out all the way home about my divorce.
When does this crap ever end?
BTW, Al doesn’t worry about his kids nearly this much. He is all, “They’ll be fine!” But he is an optimist.
As a pessimist, I am sure deep in my heart they will be pole dancers and crack heads.
He said to me, “At what point will you forgive yourself?”
I said, “I guess when I see them grow up to be happy and able to form stable emotional attachments.”
God. What a goal. Poor kids.
Please nobody tell me in comments that I am insane or pathetic or brought it on myself.
I already know.
Yikes. I know what you mean. Not fun.
I feel for you, its always hard to see your kids leave, even if its only for a couple hours! Try out this court-approved online custody calendar called SasiTime (http://sasitime.net). It has an online private journal where you can make note of anything going on with your kids, and it’ll keep you much more organized–giving you more time with your little ones!
I don’t know if the feeling is mutual (on your ex’s part.) But will do what he does, you will do what you do. If you keep thinking and being that “you are not doing enough”, “there is something wrong” then your children will pick up on it and be that way. If you think “we are doing our best”, “let’s adapt or see how we can resolve this”, your children will likely pick up on that and be that.
No words of wisdom, only commiseration. Sadly, it doesn’t get easier when they are grown. We didn’t divorce until our kids were just out of college. Now that they have jobs, spouses of their own and both live far away (California and Colorado while we live in Connecticut. Somehow it doesn’t help that we all live in “C” states!) it is sooo hard to find the time and the money to visit and they have to split the time between mom and dad and in-laws. I guess it could be worse. At least the in-laws are still together. I am enormously happy with hubby #2, but I wish #1 would have taken this into consideration. At least I know that he hates it too.
Foucs on the positives and be a good role model, as usual.
Your speak the truth!!! My daughter is 3 1/2 years old and is not adaptable or resilient no matter what ” they” say… I hate it, she hates it. Joint custody is the WORST!!
Im very scared, joint custody is in the future to come. I have a hard time letti g my child be held by relatives in my presence I cannot begin to imagine my baby being away from me a few hours let alone over night. This sounds like pure hell on earth. I dont like childs fathers mother and its dribing a huge wedge between us as he never sees the disrespect she brings to my life. Do i suck suck ot up for a two parent household or flee and deal with court and shared time with my baby…. Someone please offer me some sound advice…
When you say flee, do you mean to leave in the hopes that you won’t have to share your children with their father? If so, that’s a sure-fire way of losing all custody of your children. You wouldn’t have to worry about relatives holding them, you’d be too concerned by the fact that you can no longer hold them. You’re going to have to suck it up. He is their father, they are the kid’s relatives, they have legal rights to love and have a relationship with the kids. Sound advice, your kids or kid is not a possession, you don’t own them. Their father has as much right to parent as you do. You have an unhealthy attachment to your child/children. That, in the end will do them grave harm. Get therapy and get ready to do what is right by them…allowing them to be loved by someone other than you.
Wow, very rude as hell and jerkish considering the whole article was expressing the difficulties of sharing her kids and she said don’t say she is insane in the comments then you say that to a follower. Seems the person with the problem is you not this young woman already struggling with this.
I am in the same boat… whenever my weekend ends, I dread the upcoming weekend because I worry for my daughters. You are a mother… these babies have been in your womb for 9 months and chances are, you nursed them for another 12 or so months. So yes, you should have an attachment to your children like no other. Remember the few hours after giving birth when you feel this overwhelming possessiveness of your children, this is normal. Now I am not advocating that this is the route to go through. Just because you feel an overwhelming sense of protectiveness towards your children, it doesn’t mean that you’ll act on it. It’s okay to feel that because why shouldn’t you… you are a mother. Now, is it advisable to flee with your children, no. That is against the law. You’ll have to go through the system and have a parenting plan in place. The only advice I can truly give is to be the best parent that you can for your babies. This doesn’t mean that you won’t feel all the sadness that comes when you have to be apart from your children. You may feel sadness, loneliness, shattering, and all sorts of hopeless feelings over and over. I am sorry you are going through this. I pray that you are able to push through until it doesn’t hurt as much anymore.
Kids do have coping skills. The reality is most parents don’t see that. They learn from their environment and how the adults around them act. The reason this is overlooked is because instead of it being generalized as the attitude and mind set of one individual(you), it’s may up of you your spouse your family your friends. They pick up little habits here and there. That’s why a family living on a farm is 1000x different than a family living in the city.
A crazy father trying to figure out the secrets of reality