Insecurity…

I think I’ve figured it out.  Well, not really.  I was going to say that I have figured out why people get married.  But I haven’t.  Since I didn’t get married until I was 33, I would like to think that I got married for love and babies.  I was happy when I got married.  I was in love.

What I have figured out is what I miss about being married.

It isn’t the love, or the partnership, or the sex.  Because by the end all of that was gone and I had grieved it.  What I miss is,

The security.

I feel insecure.

And that is ridiculous because I would have said  that

being Mrs. Stanley didn’t make me feel all that secure.

Mostly if made me feel homicidal.

but

Now I’m scared.

Because at the end of the day, when you are married, there is someone ‘legally required’ to have your back.  The buck didn’t stop with me.  I wasn’t responsible for every single thing.

 Now I feel like I am responsible for everything 

and I’m alone.

For instance, Stanley carried my health insurance.  I have health insurance now but I have to make sure I bill enough hours to keep it up.  Sometimes they screw up counting.  Sometimes I screw up counting.  I’m scared something is going to happen and I won’t have health insurance.

I worry about everything.  I play the ‘what if’ game.

What if I lose my health insurance?

What if I fall in a hole on my weekends away and no one looks for me?

What if I fall in a hole that has no bottom?

What if I fall in a hole that has snakes in the bottom?

What if I fall in a hole that has snakes in the bottom and they bite me?

What if someone finally finds me and I have snake bites but no health insurance?

girlfriend needs a hug.

And then it gets even worse.

Oh yes, it does.

What if something happens and I can’t work?

Right now I am never lonely.

What if I am lonely when my kids all go away to school?

What if no one is ever interested in me again?

What if I am so fat and old that I never have another man in my life?

What if I die a bitter old lonely woman with snake bite scars, no job, 

no health insurance and no love?

And I think

WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING?

I was the one who wanted this.  Stanley was content.  It serves me right if all of this does happen!

What was I thinking?

I need security!

Get a grip you crazy woman.

Cognitively I know that it would not be right to stay with someone I had such animosity mixed feelings toward just because of the security.  That wasn’t fair to either of us.  We both deserve better.  I do believe this.

I try to embrace the happy liberated moments and concentrate on the perks, like: If he shrieks, I can leave (or tell him to leave if it is my nest night), if he goes to a beer monkey meeting and gets a DUI on the way home, I don’t have to bail him out, I don’t have to wait around and get frustrated waiting for him to tell me what he is thinking, there are definite perks.

But I’m scared!  I feel insecure!

Breathe.  It has only been 6 weeks since my divorce was final.  That is nothing when trying to make an adjustment to such a traumatic and significant life change!  I would advise any client that came to me with this to allow herself time to grieve, utilize appropriate resources for support, embrace learning new things, and for God’s sake, stay on the Zoloft.

Confession:  like the world’s largest dumbass, I took myself off the Zoloft.  Right before the divorce was final.  I decided it was making me lethargic.  (No, that was depression you dumb bitch).  I can’t help my own self out of a paper bag.  I would never let a client do something so stoopid.

I need to flog my own self with the

I am fighting all of this really badly right now.  I know it is normal.  But damn it is hard.  I am not someone comfortable feeling so insecure.  And ironically, I do not remember feeling insecure being single before.  I think the secure feeling built up over 14 years of marriage.   I feel like a ‘ball of wreckage’ just trying to fake it most days.

I know this is normal.

This is normal.

Isn’t this normal?