It’s Time for the First Annual Purse Brick Awards!

People are on my damn nerves.  

Maybe I’m hormonal, maybe people really are big ginormous assholes, whatever, a whole lot of people need a come to Jesus moment with a 

 

 

I’m about to hand some out.  This is what I’m wearing

 

 

 

Muumuu by Target, candy by leftoverWalgreens90%offsale, no shower cap and instead of a rolling pin I’m holding a glass of wine.  My extremely heavy purse is tucked under my arm so I only have to make one trip to the recliner.   I’m really talented at hauling all of my shit to the recliner in one trip.

Gifted at it fact.  I need an award myself.  I’ll reward myself with a second glass of wine..

 

Welcome to The  1st Annual Purse Brick Awards!!

 

The first Purse Brick of the evening is handed out to the worst person in my world!!

Al’s Ex Wife!!

 

(as always, my apologies to Kathy Bates)

It is well earned for being the biggest bitch on the planet as evidenced once again this week when she refused to pay her son’s college tuition this semester after Al paid first semester,as  per their agreement!  Hooray!!!    Now Al is scrambling and trying to find a lawyer (his is missing) to go back to court to force her to pay like they agreed.  

This one is going right upside her head!  Congratulations!

 (applause is happening in my brain.  Scary.)

The second Purse Brick is going to his adult daughter who is still being unreasonable!!!

 

 

Whoop!!  They are going to therapy tomorrow to talk about me it.  Congratulations to all adult children out there who put the screws to their parents for going on with their lives.

 They all suck.

The third Purse Brick of the evening is going to Stanley for the chicken pot pie he made this week at the nest that took me 2 sessions in the kitchen to clean up.  I had to load the dishwasher and unload it 2x plus handwash a bunch of pots to get to the bottom of the sink.  

Right in the forehead!

 

 

 

The fourth Purse Brick goes to my yeast infection that won’t. go. away.

I’ve taken 2 Diflucan and done a Monostat Ultra One Dose.  Gross.

Still baking down there. It’s better but not perfect.  Plus, I feel like I smell like the Wonder Bread Bakery.

 

 

 

** It is doubtful that I will be in a better mood until my Hoo-Ha is back to normal.

(Do not under any circumstances google images for yeast infection.  Enjoy the yeast roll.)

 

The next Purse Brick goes to American Express.  Yes, they get one too.

 

 

 

See them sitting back there?  I looked at my bill today and my minimum payment due 1/27/15 is $1,182.50  Yes, that is onethousandonehundredandeightytwo dollars.

Fuckety fuckers.  Wankety wankers.

I put $1,182 on it in Christmas, birthday presents, my flight to Al’s plus rental car and apparently none of it was eligible for payment over time.  All of it due this month.  What the heck?  How am I going to get $1,182 in the next 10 days?  I was prepared for it to be about $400 and the rest roll over.  NOPE. 

I considered calling and throwing myself on their mercy, but then I realized, THEY HAVE NO MERCY.

 

 Another Purse Brick to Menopause, being 50, and hot flashes.  

  

 

I swear I am in a personal relationship with all 7 of those bitches.

 

The last Purse Bricks  of the evening go to fellow Divorced Mom’s exes.

 Live By Surprise’s own Goblin King (I picture him looking like this)

 

 

 

and Bella’s Chronicles ex who really needs a bad name, Ted is too nice.

I just made him look like the bully from The Simpsons.

 

 

 

  Honorable mentions to my kids that were home kind of sick most of the week, not really sick, just blah and kept calling me to come get them or saying they were too sick to go. 

 

Salute!  You are all excelling at a high level of suck.  Congratulations!