Landings

For those of you that follow me, 

it must be exhausting to keep up with my ups and downs.

I commend you for trying.

Since my divorce my mind races and most of the time

I’m only slightly more coherent than Jodie Foster was 

at the Golden Globes last night.

 (What was that?  Okay, she’s gay.  So is half the world.  What was up with the

whole Mel Gibson thing and is she retiring and something about her mom?)

Which is to say, I’m often incoherent in my brain and I do my

best to fake it.  Since I spend a lot of time around people that are

less coherent than me, it works out…

In the space of about an hour:

I’m relieved

I’m sad

I don’t believe it happened to me

I can’t believe I didn’t do it sooner

I’m scared of being alone

I love the freedom and feeling independent

Did I mention scared?

I’m scared.

Still.

My divorce has been final almost a year.

But I know in terms of grief work, that is nothing. 

A year is no time at all for a heart to heal.

The edges of the knife now are only slightly less sharp.

I’m only slightly less disappointed in myself now than 

I was a year ago.

And my dreams

Still,  I have dreams where I accidently drive off a cliff.

or 

Get sucked out the door of an airplane.

I had to take a class on dream analysis in my MSW program but

it doesn’t take the coordinator of the GED to figure out that one.

I still feel out of control and afraid of falling.  

I have decided that when you are married, even when you are

scared or anxious about something, at least you know that

there will be someone there to break your fall.

The free falling bullshit is for the birds.

Well, don’t feel too sorry for me.  Because Al has been here for a few days 

and when he is around, I know I have a very warm and cushy place to fall.

(Even though he is terribly distracting!  Since I have been blogging tonight

he has put his hands up my shirt, walked around nekkid, and just licked my 

ear before proclaiming, “Look how good I’m being so you can blog!”)

We have laughed, and loved and spent time with kids and spent 

time without kids and watched football and he went to PT with me

and it has been very sweet and loving.  My sleeps have been dreamless.

I hate for him to go tomorrow.

But I’m so grateful to have a soft place to land on occasion.

Tomorrow I’ll be Jodie Foster again, but this time as Nell.

Twayin in de wiiiind

Chicka Chicka Chickabee