I have bitched about my stupid long distance relationship (SLDR)
so much here that it is shocking that anyone puts up with me.
Especially my long distance lovah.
I act really badly on an almost daily basis.
I push, I pout, I don’t answer the phone.
I’m a bad girl.
I told him in the beginning, that I was a
terrible candidate for a SLDR.
I have held true to my word but he did get fair warning.
I’ve said it before but as the days pass, he fades on me.
When we are together we are so close.
There are no spaces.
Not emotionally
Not physically.
When he gets out at the airport for his flight
I cry every time I drive off.
It is a gut wrenching feeling of loss which I assume is
because he has been in my personal space since I picked him up.
I can’t even explain the physical longing and how empty my arms feel.
I can’t imagine how I will ever forget his face
or the sparkle in his eyes.
I can’t believe that I could lose the way he smells
and how his lips feel on mine.
Yet I do.
Every damn time.
Tonight he is etched in my brain.
I can recall every eyelash
and my nose is full of his smells.
But in several days it will be gone.
And that is a pity.
We’ve been together, a few nights a month, long enough now
to have developed some little rituals.
He lives in the Eastern Time Zone and I am Central.
He goes to sleep before me, every night,
and wakes up before me every morning.
When we are together, he goes to sleep
‘in his spot’
kind of lying on me and I rub his head
and kiss his forehead and read my book over the top of his head.
(Thank God he can sleep with me reading because he always
passes out before I do.)
When I wake up, he has been awake for some time
barely moving and waiting for me to open my eyes.
Sometimes he lies there a whole hour, bless his heart.
At some point during the night we will have moved
and when we wake up we are more like this.
Facing each other and touching.
Always touching.
It still shocks me when I wake up buried in his neck
because Stanley couldn’t sleep with us touching.
During our 14 year relationship I got accustomed to sleeping
with someone else in the bed but not touching that person.
Making love time was making love time
but sleep time meant he moved to his side of the bed.
The lack of intimacy (physical and emotional)
was the downfall of my marriage.
I will admit, I do have some walls.
Al says the whole ‘fade’ thing is me erecting a wall
to protect myself while he is gone.
Probably. He’s pretty intuitive.
Being with someone now who is so emotionally available
is a real mind blower.
For instance:
He said today that I am the love of his life and he isn’t giving up.
He told me that he can handle the fade because
he has a track record of shattering it to bits within 5 minutes
of being in my hula hoop again.
(He may be getting a big head, but generally, he’s right,
he hugs me and my legs get weak, whore.)
He said that he feels secure that I love him because I’ve
tried to break up with him 500 times in the last year and I
haven’t actually managed it yet…
True. Shame on me.
(and did he really count? He may have.)
Because when I’m with him, my mind is at peace.
He loves me purely.
He has no agenda other than to love me.
There is no, “I love you, but…”
(which is hell on earth)
When we are together, He looks at me and
I’m staring at him with a stupid smile.
He says, “Are you liking me again?”
And I say, “Just a little lovegasm.”
He roll his eyes, like
‘really, you act all tough but you are too easy.’
I know it will fade again.
But tonight I can smell him and feel him
and I can still reach all that love he poured on me.
When he got out of the car at the airport he pulled me close
and whispered in my ear,
“Hold me close, keep me right here in your heart.”
I promise I’ll try.
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