I have had an odd morning.
1. It’s raining
We have had such a drought that the kids and I decided that we couldn’t remember the last time we drove through a puddle. As a matter of fact, they had to run into the school with backpacks on their head because it has been so long since we have had rain I don’t even have an umbrella in my car that I could reach. Ah, the novelty of water falling on our heads.
2. I did the elliptical.
I look about like this old woman on it.
But I didn’t die or anything.
(Weight update: I’ve lost 28 pounds. I would like to say I am done dieting but, alas, no).
3. I tried on my wedding rings.
Now, before you ask how that happened or what sort of masochist I am,
it was kind of an innocent thought.
Then it rolled down the hill into a big pile of stupid shit.
While on the Torture Device (elliptical) I saw a commercial for engagement rings. Which led me to wonder where I had put mine and then immediate panic because I couldn’t remember where I had packed them away and we had all of those work men in the house then were packed up, moved out, moved back in and unpacked by strangers during the ‘Great Water Heater Incident #1’. I finished, got my breath back and pounded up the stairs where I found them in the 3rd place I looked. I held them in my hands, walked to the window to admire the falling water, and slipped them right on my ring finger. Just like the old days.
Not a good idea, people.
It was fine. For the second time today, I didn’t die or anything. But it did make me feel kind of sick to my stomach. I realized while looking down at them that I was an imposter. I don’t have the right to wear them anymore. He gave me those rings as a symbol of his love. He has a new girlfriend and she has his love now (or something). I’m glad for him to have love in his life (if that is what it is, I have no idea).
I miss wearing my rings. You wear glittery sparkles on your hand everyday for 13 years and then take them off and it leaves you with a feeling of nakedness. I have bought myself several rings to wear on that finger since I took them off, just to cover that nakedness, but none are quite right.
Al and I were texting and this was his take:
I just got panicked that I didn’t know where
my wedding rings were.
Found them and put them on. So weird.
Packed them away again.
What drove that?
Saw rings on TV.
I’m glad you know where they are.
I don’t want to lose them, I may need the $$.
Oh I can imagine. No one wants to misplace
something of value.
I put them on and felt like an imposter.
Weird how I don’t have the
right to wear them anymore
Well they have a different meaning now.
What is that? Failure?
NO it’s just not the symbol anymore. They
are momentoes at this point.
Yes. I know. It was just weird.
I can imagine. Unexpected.
Yes, he is a sweetie pie and is capable of having a conversation that is helpful in processing feelings. That never, ever, ever would have happened with Stanley.
And I appreciate it.
He talks me away from the edge more than I can say.
And this morning he texted:
Dying for your lips.
And your hands on my back. The smell of your hair.
Really, my response was, “sigh”. I have to do better. I’m so unused to a man saying such things I don’t know how to react! I can tell you for sure Stanley never was dying for my lips.
Al’s words are also momentoes. I save them and read them back.
(I could do an entire blog on his beautiful words every day)
Don’t be a hater.
What to do with these rings? What have other people done?