##&%^% Neckties

My son got inducted today into the National Junior Honor Society.

I was proud of him.  I sat beside Stanley and we took pics of him walking across the stage.  I teared up even.  Then we went out to the reception and had some cookies and punch.  But it was not without some frustration to get him there.  First, he had to dress up, and he is growing so fast that it is hard to keep him in pants and shoes that fit.  

Since I’m living by my list these days:

Pants that fit, check

Belt, check

Button down dress shirt ironed and fits, check

Shoes, uh oh don’t fit.  Can borrow Stanley’s, check

Tie… tie…  found a tie of Stanley’s, check 

Oh, shit I don’t know how to tie a tie, uncheck.

Seriously, I had no idea how I was going to get this tie tied.

 

Oh My God.  I can’t do this.

  

Why did I get divorced?  Loser!  I can’t even tie a tie for my son!

I considered possibilities:  l. taking it to a facility with me while working and trying to find a man there to tie it for me without looking completely powerless and lame, 2. waiting until Stanley got to the school and having him pull boy off and tie his tie, 3. seeing if Al could talk us through it on Face Time, 4. cry and see if God sends an angel to miraculously tie the sucker (bottom of the barrel idea I agree).

Miracle.

Pulled up last night and dad’s car was in the driveway.  He hasn’t been here since the Christmas tree was up.   He had dropped by to check on something.  He tied the tie.  I was so grateful I won’t call him Archie today.  Today he can merely be Carrol O’ Connor.

 

Boy gets up, showers, dresses, pulls the tie over his head, belt works, shoes…. can’t find Stanley’s shoes.  Must be at Stanley’s apartment.  Text and yes at his apartment, he will bring to the school so the boy can change from 

Whew we did it.

And learning to tie a tie is now # 26 on my list so that in the future I don’t have to sweat this little shit.  Can most women tie a necktie?  I never felt the slightest need to learn.  I never saw a man learning to put on a bra and get the girls in correctly (although I saw plenty that knew how to take them off). 

 Mastered the art by 16. 

 I think he can do it with one finger.

Just sayin.

I was feeling all sorry for myself until it occurred to me that at some point (probably soon for Jumping Bean) Stanley is going to have to deal with cramps and menstrual blood and that will surely put him over the edge.  Now, I’m thinking I need to get a little kit together and go over it with JB, with some little pads and stuff in it for when that happens.  I can’t imagine her telling 

aw hell no.

Okay I added it to my list.

It’s number 27.