Happy Tuesday! Although I am infected with the curse of the long weekend and
have been thinking it is Monday all day.
I had a great weekend with Al. Last weekend, on his trip quick trip when I had the kids, we had NO private moments, as a matter of fact, it had been 5 weeks since we have had ‘private moments’, We made up for that in a big way. I picked him up at the airport and we went to his hotel and basically spent the next 3 days in a horizontal death grip emerging only for food and one short walk (just to see if we could). Still it was so very sad to take him to the airport yesterday.
It was perfect. Except for one little thing…….
Jumping Bean emails me see. It is one of our primary methods of communication, even if it is from the next room. She is not blessed with my verbal skills, she unfortunately got that part of her personality from her dad, but she is very good, even at 10 years old, with the computer and is great at email. I got an email from her on Sunday night where she wrote very succinctly, and I quote:
“Watched Percy Jackson going ter slep hurt my hed”
(I made this purple because it is her favorite color)
Now. She is normally a good speller, ADHD aside. So, I read this and I think she has some massive head injury. She does not email Stanley so for all I know she has a concussion and he has no idea. Yes, I jumped to horrible conclusions. So, I tried immediately to find out more:
Me: What? What happened?
JB: Yeah, don’t know how I got hurt.
Me: I love you. I’m worried.
JB: Yeah, night.
She NEVER goes to bed. She is up until 11 even on a school night.
It is 9:45.
Clearly something horrible has happened to her head.
At this point, I’m pacing, nearly nekkid from my lover’s bed, and trying to get Stanley to text me back. With Al looking on and trying to comfort me. And trying to get info from Stanley is next to impossible even when he feels chatty.
Me: Is JB okay? I got an email that she had hit her head and she was going to bed!
Me: Did she hit her head?
Stanley: Don’t know.
Stanley: (After some delay) I’ll go check.
Stanley: She’s okay.
First off, let me say right now, people that can’t talk drive me fuckin nuts.
I don’t get it. It is as natural to me as breathing. Now, before people heap criticism on me, everybody has something that they just can’t understand and that they see as a weakness in people. For instance, Al says he can’t understand when people say they ‘don’t read’. He values reading and I value communication. How the hell I married someone that answers most questions with “Yep” is a mystery to me.
So, in a nutshell, I got besieged with feelings of guilt of being a bad mother, leaving her kids every 2 days, having sex with another man
spiraling down, down, down.
Al just watched and tried to comfort me.
To be honest, this little breakdown had been coming. I was very tearful leaving the kids on Stanley’s nights this past week. I have been trying to ignore it to some degree but to be honest, this is not a surprise that I would grieve it again.
I was an attachment parent.
I was working in ped oncology and could not put my babies down when I was at home. I co-slept with them and extended breastfed each of them. Merlot was 2 when I weaned her and she still, at 7, sleeps with me many nights. I look at her beautiful little face when she sleeps and listen to the sounds of The Boy snoring gently in his room and wonder when Jumping Bean is going to turn her light off every single night that I am in the nest.
Driving off from my kids every 2 days is unnatural to me.
And I don’t know what to do about it, or how to get used to it.
Do you think there is some magic time that divorced parents all of a sudden get used to it?
We have been bird nesting for 18 months. I know the kids are okay. Stanley and I are doing fine. We had dinner all together on Friday night and had a nice time, no stress at all. It is good for the kids to have that time with both of us.
Still, it is so hard to leave them.
By the way, JB was fine. She was quiet last night but I spoke to her and told her that she made me worry and that next time I might need a few more details so that I can know what is going on with her. I said it in front of Stanley as we were exchanging so that maybe it would sink in with him too.
Momma needs details, kids.
I wish I could have it all. I have this beautiful perfect man and these beautiful perfect kids. But the price of him not being their father is a high one. Etched right on my heart.
If anyone has any ideas of how to move past this feeling, please share.