Open Marriage and Other Things I Think About.

So, it is my night out of the nest and I am enjoying myself in a friend’s guest room.  Watching Modern Family and doing clinical notes and billing sheets in between games of Words With Friends.Secretly, in my little black heart, I am hoping that the children are horrible for Stanly tonight.  The boy has had hours upon hours of homework the last several nights which has required my help off and on until 10:30.   We had to go to Spaghetti Supper at school and locate graph paper after.  We have had all sorts of workmen there fixing the drywall and sanding.  One thing I will say for them is they are tidy and clean up after themselves.  Unlike Stanley some people I know.

there has been some of this

I think that through all of this conflict with him this week, I have realized that because of the Bird Nesting, I have continued in some ways to play the role of ‘wife’.  You know, without the sex and stuff.  I have still found myself running all the errands, planning meals (no matter what the jackass says), worrying about the laundry and even doing some of his laundry, so that when he is in charge of the nest, he can manage.    Much like I would have done prior to our divorce when I would go away on business or on a girl’s night out.   Looking back, it appears that I have thought Stanley couldn’t manage this for a long time.  For whatever reason, I constantly rescue Stanley.   And no, do not suggest that I still love him.  Hell no, I don’t even LIKE him.

I’ve become concerned that what we’ve had since we started bird nesting was kind of like an ‘open marriage’ but without all the sex or respect. I got all worried that somehow I have gotten myself into a situation where I am divorced but in an open marriage. So, I have researched ‘open marriage’ today and it is very interesting.  Wikipedia defines it as a marriage in which the partners agree that each may engage in extramarital sexual relationships, without this being regarded as infidelity. There are many different styles of open marriage, with the partners having varying levels of input on their spouse’s activities. Open marriages place high value on honesty, especially of needs and wants.

I’m sorry, this cracked my ass up!  Susan Boyle!!

That lets Stanley out right there because he didn’t care what I needed or wanted and I’m not talking about in the bedroom. So after reading a bunch of stuff about open marriage tonight, because what else could I do, it seems to me that couples in open marriages have a high level of emotional intimacy.  They are very good friends.  They can communicate and they are able to establish ground rules re: what they are comfortable with their spouse doing with someone else.  They have talks about how they conquer their jealousy.  Ground rules seem to be a basic component for it to work:  like for instance,  you can have a sexual relationship with someone else, but if you have an emotional dependence on them then that can be viewed as infidelity.

Hell, I can’t even establish ground rules with Stanley re: running the dishwasher and cleaning up spilled drinks out of the floor.

I found this interesting from Wiki.  Nena O’Neill and George O’Neill changed the meaning of the term with the 1972 publication of their book Open Marriage.  The O’Neills conceived open marriage as one in which each partner has room for personal growth and can develop outside friendships.

Most chapters in the book dealt with non-controversial approaches to revitalizing marriage in areas of trust, role flexibility, communication, identity, and equality. Chapter 16, entitled “Love Without Jealousy”, devoted 20 pages to the proposition that an open marriage could include some forms of sexuality with other partners. These concepts entered the cultural consciousness and the term “open marriage” became a synonym for sexually non-monogamous marriage, much to the regret of the O’Neills.Nowadays, there are thought to be 2 types of open marriage. Couples who prefer extramarital relationships emphasizing love and emotional involvement have a polyamorous style of open marriage. (These guys seem like roommates).  Couples who prefer extramarital relationships emphasizing sexual gratification and recreational friendships have a swinging style of open marriage. (These seem like they have a high level of emotional intimacy within their marriage and want to stay together because they are best friends but are bored in the sack).

Happy and looking to swing!

So, after all of this research, I am much relieved to say that I have decided this arrangement between Stanley and I is nothing like an open marriage.  There are no ground rules, no sex, no emotional intimacy, no mutual respect, I’m just the ex-wife who forgot that I am divorced from the wanker.   That shit has to stop.

DO YOU HEAR ME?  I AM NO MAN’S WIFE.

I DON’T HAVE TO WASH HIS SMELLY UNDIES ANYMORE.

And If I forget again,

 YA’LL YELL AT ME.

I must remember that he has his woman.

Do you guys think she also has a tail?

 NAUGHTY!

Deliberate Digression:

 I am sure that girlfriend thinks she has this brilliant, reserved English scientist, when really she has just snagged herself Cooter Brown.   Who, by the way, is more than perfectly content to live in squalor..

“Stanley has climbed nekkid up on this pile of sticks that used to be in the house!”

I mean it!  If I start to show signs of softness, use your purse bricks and smack me a little!