Birdnesting; you move in and you move out.
In and out. In and out.
It’s like a porn movie.
I roll my roller bag in, and Stanley rolls his out.
Actually, that isn’t so true anymore. He leaves stuff here and at his apartment, so he really doesn’t bring much of a bag back and forth to the nest. (Which is good since he broke his hip and can’t roll a bag.) I, however, leave nothing at the crash pad but a grungy nighty and a toothbrush. I haul my shit every 2 days.
I get so sick of it.
When I realize I forgot to pack underwear again (commando, yes, I’ve done it) or left my phone charger at home, I always comfort myself with the knowledge that although it is horrible and terrible, my kids don’t have to do it. When I was researching birdnesting as a possible option for us, I read several cases where judges in divorce court ordered the parents to do this for a while to show them how hard it is before they casually committed their children to this lifestyle.
It’s hard, folks. In my case, it also has an end date.
Stanley has been ready to end this for a good while. It is expensive and he wants his $$. His girlfriend also wants his $$. I get it. I hate for Al to spend all of his $$ too. But I understand it, I’m a parent too and I understand he has responsibilities. Stanley’s gf is a cat lady. She doesn’t get it.
(Sorry, I couldn’t resist.)
“Children? Wait… You have to give money for them every month?”
I would be quite happy to continue birdnesting even after I get married again.
When I was researching the concept, I read several articles about people who birdnested for many years. They remarried, maintained the home, and both had separate spaces with their new spouses, going back into the nest for their scheduled time. I could do that to keep this arrangement for the kids. Stanley is a no go.
Therefore, when Al and I get hitched and he moves to town, the kids will be adjusting to 2 homes, and maybe 3 since we still haven’t decided whether Al will move in here or if we will sell and start over. Since Merlot wants me all the time and Jumping Bean has ADHD and can’t remember anything, ever, well, it ought to be fun.
I can’t say that I won’t enjoy sleeping in my bed every night, no matter where my bed ends up. But the person (creature) that will be happiest is not me or Stanley…
It will be the dog.
(She looks like this.)
I’ve realized over the past several months that while the kids have done great with our divorce, the dog is a neurotic mess.
Because I get free time to do my errands (Stanley doesn’t do that sort of thing), the dog never goes anywhere. Therefore, when I do take her to the vet or groomer, she is hysterical in the car, on the leash, in the waiting rooms, etc. I think the dog would have had more opportunity to be out in society and around people, if we were still intact, because we would have no choice but to take her with us at times.
Nights are the worst. I am up half the night with the dog.
She sleeps with Stanley when he is here in his room downstairs. She wants to sleep with me when I’m here in my room upstairs. I go up when I put Merlot to bed at 9 whereas Stanley tells Merlot to go to up to bed and he stays up downstairs until 11:07 pm. (yes exactly, he is a creature of habit. But so is Al, he goes to bed at 10:06 my time, 11:06 EST. Men are weird.)
My first night back in the nest is exhausting because of the stupid dog.
She wants to go downstairs and then cries to come back up.
“I need you Mommy. You’re my mommy too. Did you forget? Wait, are you mad?”
She is as bad as a newborn human child and I’m worn out with it. Usually about the time that she gets comfortable with me and our bedtime routine, I’m out and Stanley is back.
Is she especially stupid? Shouldn’t a 15 lb dog be able to make this adjustment?
I have no idea. Al says “‘the smaller the dog the smaller the brain.”
I try to remember that, I swear I do.
I know that Stanely and I should both put the dog to bed in a neutral space (like the laundry room) but she barks and barks and barks and keeps the kids up. The same kids that have to get up at 6 a.m. to go to school, so I feel terrible about the dog barking and shaving time off of their sleep. After 45 minutes or so, I feel guilty enough that I get up and go back to the ‘up or down’ game.
By 2 a.m. I will admit to having homicidal thoughts.
The kids would get over it, right?
(No, I’m just kidding, but they would, right?.)
I have all of these ideas now about how I am going to sleep train the dog when I am with her all the time, because I think as long as Cat lady is in the picture, I will get custody of the dog.
Damn it.
You struck a nerve this week. I woke up at 4am thinking about the kids having to live in two different homes and how hard it must be for them – two houses, two schedules, different rules. But really, the only thing that’s different for your kids is they only have one house. And they’re much better off without us together. And there’s no way to (legally) take him out of the picture, so we’ll have to adjust. Sigh. I feel for your dog though. try a long walk before bed to tucker her out. Might work.
Yes, I have determined I am going to have to tire her out better. She is like a bat! Nocturnal! I keep finding her asleep during the day, early evening and waking her ass up! Yes, we have to adjust. Baah.
Yes, I have determined I am going to have to tire her out better. She is like a bat! Nocturnal! I keep finding her asleep during the day, early evening and waking her ass up! Yes, we have to adjust. Baah.
When my ex and I separated, he kept “his” dog. It didn’t take long before we decided the best thing for the dog was to follow our son. He moped around the house when our son wasn’t there, and our son seemed to benefit from the arrangement as well.
I love that you guys tried bird nesting. I think the most important thing is that it affirms a commitment to seeing both parents as important for the kids. We didn’t birdsnest, but my ex and I took a long, careful time to separeate. I think that you’ll find that the kids will do OK as you establish two housholds and alternate between them. We opted to alternate weeks with mid week visit for dinner (rather than an overnight) mostly because it minimizes the transitions. Because our youngest was so young, our counselor was pushing us to do a 2-2-3, which does ensure that the kids see both parent frequently, but it’s very bouncy and disruptive. You’ll find that it helps to have duplicates of most things at both houses and keep the stuff that gets packed to a minimum. It also helps to live close. No matter what the timesharing plan is, there is always something left at the other house. And really, if there isn’t, it’s probably because they don’t see that place as a home. I don’t know if I could stand the place that wasn’t home being my place. The nice thing about our arrangement is that with both of us secure in our parenting positions, we were able to make changes that we might have otherwise fought. The biggest one being that our oldest wanted to spend more time at her dad’s once she got to high school. She’s a daddy’s girl and it is what’s best for her at this phase of her life.
Jenny, thanks so much for your thoughts. It sounds like you guys do great! We have been birdnesting since 5/11, so we have done good! I expect that it will end over next summer. I have no idea what our schedule will be then. The kids are happier with me during the week, just because I make it easier with their school uniforms, there is more structure, I somehow keep up with all the little details, so they manage school better. That said, Stanley wants as much time with them as possible so I have no idea how he will react when it comes to how we split the time. My son is equally happy with us but both girls are momma’s girls. Did it hurt your feelings that she wanted to spend more time at her dad’s? Kids are lucky to have both parents want them so much.