Processing, Processed and Processing Again

How long does it take to end the emotional turmoil of a 

marriage that ended in divorce?

It seems to me a long damn time.

Take for instance, Al’s 6-hour-breakfast-with-the-ex.

Yes, please take it.

He’s been separated for over 3 years, divorced for 2 years.

And during that breakfast, brunch, lunch, early dinner

he said that what was planned to be a financial discussion

about selling the house evolved into talk fest where

 they rehashed the whole thing again. 

Who was at fault, who emotionally quit first, etc..

Stanley and I don’t do that really

but talking was never our strong suit.

I have no idea what our strong suit was actually.

Cooking.  We cooked together.

Not a strong basis for a marriage.

But we do a pretty good job of communicating 

about the kids and even the emotional needs of the kids.

Of course it is via text.

Or during nest exchanges.

But we did have a nice dinner all together last week

for The Boy’s birthday and shared a few laughs.

(whereas Al and his ex rarely have a peaceful conversation.  Who

knows, maybe the 6 hour rehashment will help.)

 

But, I still find myself having these constant internal conversations where I tell Stanley everything I am thinking about our marriage 18 months after the ink is dry on the judge’s signature; where I think I gave up and where I think he gave up, what we both could have done differently and so on…  We did go to marriage counseling where we said some of these things and made plans to try harder, that failed.  So, they have been said before, but here I am still processing my divorce very frequently.  And my thoughts about it are different than they were 18 months ago.  I can understand why Al and his ex needed to have the discussion again (even though 6 hours was a bit long, hmmph) because it seems as I get further away form the crisis trauma (the ending, the leaving, the lawyers) my thoughts about it have changed and I guess I have more perspective.   

But is this going to happen forever?

Am I doomed to this internal monologue with

 Stanley about our great failure forever?

I do realize I am a processor. 

 

As a matter of fact, I do it for a living.  People tell me the chaos in their heads and I process it for them quickly, spit it back out in a more coherent fashion, then help them move past it.  So, maybe I am doomed to this forever.

Fuckage.

But things still effect me in significant ways:

Like movies about marriage and divorce.

Or movies about something else that have married people in them.

Or seeing friends marriages and thinking of them in context to mine.

Books, just harmless little novels bring me up short.

Music.

Friends.

Places where we’ve been or wanted to go.

Plus all of those memories.  

Divorce forever changes you.

Those years of togetherness can’t be undone.The children you created can’t be put back inside.

Because it was a source of conflict, both internal and external Maybe there will always be something left to say.Or to feel.