This morning, while perusing Facebook and drinking coffee, I stumbled over a quiz. I’m quite addicted to the buzzfeed quizzes. They are mindless and stupid and require no effort or thought. I have done so many Buzzfeed quizzes that a friend of mine told me that every time someone took a Buzzfeed quiz a kitten hung itself with a piece of yarn. I blew that right off. Everyone knows cats are waaay too narcissistic to commit suicide. Today in my feed, I saw several friends who had posted results like this…
My Husband is 87% Awesome!
Check the awesomeness of your own husband! Take the quiz!
Well, hell. I don’t have a husband. I decided to test the awesomeness of my boyfriend.
However, very soon, I was comparing the answers I would choose for Al vs. those I would choose for Stanley. That ‘husband’ word kept tripping me up. Really, the comparisons were inevitable.
The questions:
Does your husband still take you out on dates?
- Not really, no.
Hmmph. Well, my boyfriend does, yes. We have lots of dates. One for boyfriend. My EX-husband, Not really, no. He quit taking me on dates after the wedding. And look how that turned out.
Does your husband help out around the house?
Hmmph again. Yes, my boyfriend is helpful. My Ex-husband sucks donkey. (Sorry Donkey.)
Does your husband know how to say “I’m sorry?”
Double Hmmph. Boyfriend, again, yes. Ex-husband, oh help me Jesus, no. This was the source of many fights. He said that when they said they were sorry in his family of origin, that it would set his mom on her tirade again, so they all just quietly hoped it would blow over and never apologized. Therefore, he never learned to apologize and so never did to me. BONK, Bonk, bonk. I needed him to apologize when he hurt my feelings.
On vacation, you and your husband are looking for a restaurant in an unfamiliar neighborhood when you both suddenly realize you’ve been walking in circles. Your husband…
Both would take out their phones and look at maps. Neither would get hung up on not asking for directions, so that is a wash.
Does your husband satisfy your needs in bed?
Boyfriend, oh hell yes. Lord, help me I’m screaming Jesus. Ex-husband, oh Lord no. NO NO NO. Eeek gag, no.
Does your husband help you pick out clothes/shoes while shopping, or would he rather be ANYWHERE else besides the mall?
Haha. I had to laugh. Al has shopped with me a little bit and been awesome. He even went into Sephora. Stanley never, ever shopped with me. Ever.
You and your husband dress up for a night on the town. One of your heels breaks on the sidewalk as you are walking arm and arm. Your husband…
Ummm. Well to be honest, both would be supportive and concerned if it bothered me. This question was a wash. If it would bother me? I mean, who wouldn’t it bother if they had a broken shoe? They’d be walking all lopsided?
Does your husband ever cook for you?
Well, Stanley is an excellent cook. What he lacked in the sack he made up for in the kitchen which is why my ass got sooo big and I had to buy batteries in bulk. So, yes, I give it to Stanley here. But Al tries.
You’ve been having one of those terrible days where everything goes wrong. When you finally see your husband in the evening, he…
They weren’t even in the same ballpark here. Al would hug me then sit and hold my hand, bring me Motrin and pour me a glass of wine. Stanley wouldn’t notice, sit his ass on the sofa, and leave his shoes and dirty socks in the floor for me to trip over.
You’re feeling kinda sore and ask your hubby for a back rub. In return you get….
Oh baby. Boyfriend, a full massage which would evolve into you know what. Stanley would give me the 15 second neck rub.
Results time!!!
Since I can’t post this on FB, seeing as how I’m not married, I am posting them here.
Stanley is is 36% Awesome.
He is
My boyfriend on the other hand is 96% Awesome.
So, after this very scientific research analysis, my conclusion is that my boyfriend is better.
The link to the quiz is at the bottom of the post.
P.S. Don’t hold this post against me, I’m kind of drunk.
Whew! I have finally read all of your posts. Your strength give me hope. Hope that I can be a little nicer to my almost ex. (any day now) Right now the wounds are still open and raw and there are times I need to be sent to bad mother jail…I love your wit. I could never nest with him, but I think you are awesome for doing it! Keep up the great writing. Hi Al!
Jessica, I’m back and have time to respond appropriately. THANK YOU for taking the time to read. I really appreciate it. I had to think about you commenting about my strength. I never feel strong, I feel like I am grasping at thin air half the time, but it made me feel strong that you said that, so thanks for that too. Best of luck with your ‘any day now.’ It will be okay even when it feels like it won’t! Thanks again.
You read them all?? Wow! Thanks for the kind words.
Omg…ok, kinda drunk too. Laughed until I cried at the model who couldn’t walk down the runway. SHE shouldn’t have been drinkin. lol
Bella, sometimes kinda drunk is required. Cheers!
Oh Dear. Husband 78%, ex husband 85%. This is anonymous, right…
The one thing that was missing is on the massage question. ex-husband would always manage to turn it into sex if I let him go on for more than a couple of minutes, and for my husband a back rub is a back rub, not foreplay. Not sure how you score that one.