I am so irritable.
I am jealous of people that can meditate and calm themselves.
I have spent the morning trying to calm my ass down by using safe place imagery.
I use it with my patients.
It works to reduce anxiety by imagining they are in the place
that gives them the most comfort and peace.
But I’m way too ADHD and have yet to make this work for myself.
I start on the road to my safe place and then I remember that there are cinder blocks on the pool deck again and Stanley sucks so bad, and he said I am OCD about putting things away and I have to drop the dog at the groomer and pick up JB’s ADHD prescription, and what would happen if I took one of her pills because God knows, I need it, or maybe I can have a glass of wine early, and how early is too early and would anyone really know and when the heck is this Cipro going to kick in because it still burns to pee and what did women in the olden days do for that, probably died a slow painful death and oh yes, this is not helping me find my safe place, I should forget it and just go to work because apparently other people can follow my directions much better than I can.
Now I’ve freaked myself out because in this process I have realized that since my divorce, I don’t think I even know where my safe place is. My home, at times now, increases my anxiety because:
1. Stanley rotates in and I live out of a freakin bag
2. I worry that I will have to sell because there is no way I can afford the house on my own when he decides he doesn’t want to birdnest anymore
I don’t want to have to sell because I want it to be a stable place for the kids and we have only been here 2 years (exactly 2 years). I want my kids to know where their safe place is. Of course I realize that their safe place is with me and mine is with them, not the house.
I think the safest and most comforted I have ever felt was sitting in a soft chair snuggled up and nursing a baby. Of course that was more about me providing safety and comfort than receiving it but it gave me the warmest, fuzziest feelings of my life.
Not surprising I guess, since breastfeeding releases oxytocin which has been shown to promote feelings of trust and confidence and to reduce fear. I wonder if I can buy some at Super Target? Because I sure as hell am not going to be releasing oxytocin anytime soon or like, ever again.
Otherwise I am left with my old standby, Xanax and a nice Pinot Grigio.
Oh well, it will all be okay. It is hard not to be irritable when it burns to pee.
Now I’m normalizing my own behavior.
I’m going to go work.
PollyAnna says
Oh how you make me laugh, even when you’re having a hard day! Your humor is wonderful. 🙂 But at the same time, I know you’re struggling, and I’m sorry for that.
I’ve actually composed several drafts of a post to answer your question about finding peacefulness, and I’ve discarded all of them as coming off as too know-it-all or preachy. But I’m working on it!
In the meantime – forget the safe place imagery because of the cinderblocks and such. Instead, just breathe. Literally. Close your eyes, and focus on your breath. Don’t judge it, just watch it – it’s not too fast or too slow, it’s just breath, in and out and in and out. Then, take ten slow deep breaths. If you like, you can use the words “When I breathe in, I breathe in peace; when I breathe out, I breathe out love” or just “Peace…Love.” It is REMARKABLE to me that ten deep breaths can do more for me than just about any other activity – maybe it releases hormones, maybe it’s a distraction, maybe it oxygenates something that needs oxygen… I dunno, but it ALWAYS helps.
Hope this helps. Or at least, I hope that the Cipro kicks in soon! Would it help you to know that I am jealous of your sex life, UTI and all? Sick of me, I know, but every time you get that little (big?) burn, I hope you get a sense of “that was so worth it!” on the side! LOL
Cuckoo Momma says
Oh I do, Polly, I do. Grin and a wink. It was well earned. I’m going to try that breathing immediately. Thanks for that tip! Peace and love……… I’m thinking that the birdnesting is not helping me have that safe place that is just mine. Peace and love..
Deb Kennedy says
Cuckoo Momma, I just gave your blog link to a friend who is dealing with the ‘He moves in and I live out of a bag’ situation in her own life. I think she’s going to LOVE your perspective and your humor, and learn a lot from your insights into Nesting.
As for your day, I am sorry it is frustrating, and I like PollyAnna’s suggestion. I always find peace and calm when I can just sit in silence out in nature – the beach, the mountains, a park, under a shady tree…. I just breathe, and it turns into prayer, and my spirit is lifted. I am sending you peaceful energy. <3
Cuckoo Momma says
Feelin it!! Thanks Deb