Spirit

As y’all know I’ve had a hard week with 

my stupid long distance relationship.  

 

It’s trying to kill me.  

I had a hard time dealing with the 6-hr-breakfast-with-the-ex. Because of the additional burden of the distance, it took from Sunday thru Wednesday night before we got that hammered out to any acceptable resolution.  Those were some very tense days.  Partially because I didn’t really allow him to explain but partially because he wasn’t particularly forthcoming about some of the details. 

His shiny halo got a little spot on it.  

Finally on Wednesday night we yelled our way through it via AT&T.   Now we are both tender, a little insecure, and need to be together and validate the goodness of our relationship and that is just not possible until 7/17, a week from Wednesday.   

Actually, he’s fine. I need the validation. 

I don’t feel like we are a we at all. I feel alone and like an I.  That is what happens to me with the distance. I start to feel far away and forget what it is like to be with him. He says he never does that. That he can close his eyes and see me and smell me and feel my skin. He has excellent visualization skills and they make him a good candidate for a long distance relationship because he can keep me close and his devotion doesn’t really waiver.

 My skills, on the other hand totally, totally suck.  

I drift further and further away, then we have a communication glitch and then I’m like on a motor boat going in the other direction.  Until I find I’m alone on an island somewhere refusing to use my phone to call for help. 

I am so edgy with him I can hardly stand to talk to him on the phone right now.    It makes my heart bleed.  I am so scared that this might not work out that I steel myself. Plus I get pissed about the distance and I’m worried that at the end of the day, there are too many complications for him to move here.  His kids, his job, his vision and subsequent complications in finding a job in his field here, etc. ..  I can’t move my kids away from Stanley, so I can’t move until the kids are grown and I have an 8 year old. 

I am already having a difficult time maintaining

this LD relationship and have years left to go in it. 

I’m impatient.  

I’m a proactive person. 

I get a lot of shit done in a day. 

So this is hard for me.  

And I’m having to just wait.  

I don’t like to wait.  

 I’m terrible at waiting. 

And it isn’t like the LD relationship is just sitting out there requiring nothing. It takes a significant amount of emotional energy and time.   Not to mention,  money.  So the chance that I can do this for a long period of time is questionable. And that will be my loss because he is a great guy. 

He keeps saying that he is determined to do what it takes and he won’t let me down. Tonight I said that I was very worried about managing the time when my kids are in England when I am home and not with him. He said that he is going to do everything he can to make it go as smoothly as possible.    From 915 miles away?  Really? You can’t really do shit but pray from that far away, but okay.  Tonight reading that, I realized that maybe he meant he is with me in spirit. 

I have a boyfriend in spirit. 

He thinks of me and wishes he was with  me.  He wants to make it better and help me but he can only do that with well wishes.  Like me with his driving,  I can only wish I was there so I could take him to the grocery store.  But hey!  I’m with him in spirit. 

I love him madly.  

But this is some hard shit. 

Is love enough? 

I recently read a book called The Art of Hearing Heartbeats

by Jan-Philipp Sendker.

SPOILER ALERT…It was about this couple in Burma who were separated by circumstances for decades.  They sent each other letters which were intercepted but they still wrote to each other every day even though neither of them ever received a single letter from the other.   The person who intercepted the letters read them every day and both of the lovers would pour their hearts out to each other and say that they knew the other was very busy but they loved them with their whole heart and would wait.   They were totally secure in their love even with no contact for all that time. 

Of course it was fiction.  

But, damn i wish it could be that way for me. 

I wish I had that kind of faith.

  I’m feeling like a relationship failure. 

 In my marriage and now in this.

I’m just whining.  

I’m not giving up yet because he is special. 

But I need an injection of spirit.

I need a team of cheerleaders telling me I can do it.

Anybody know where I can find some?