Teeter Totter

Sometimes the emotional ups and downs since my divorce are exhausting.

I feel like Bobby and Cindy Brady trying to break 

the Teeter Totter World Record

Yes, my kids are watching Brady Reruns.  I’m reliving my childhood.

I’ve been up/ I’ve been down.

I had a really really great Thanksgiving and short weekend with Al.  We had a great time with my kids and then had 24 hours alone after Stanley came on for the weekend.  After spending Thanksgiving Day with my family, we came back here, cracked the wine and watched Arthur Christmas with the kids.  We spent Friday with kids until Stanley came on and then we had date night and ‘spot time’.  

My Spot.

I never had a ‘spot’ with Stanley.  We couldn’t get comfortable resting on each other.  I sleep (and probably even drool) in my spot with my lovah.  He is like Xanax washed down with 3 glasses of Chardonnay to me.  I listen to his heart beat and drop off everytime.  Poor guy, sometimes he must feel stuck.  Too damn bad.  I am a ‘spot time’ whore.

He left on Saturday so he could spend Sunday with his daughter who was home from college.  We got the blues bad on Saturday afternoon knowing that it will be at least 3 – 4 weeks until we can steal time away again.  I was almost despondent and to make it worse I had 24 hours alone before it was my time with the kids again.  Lesson learned: I do not need to be alone after Al leaves.

I was a weepy mess vacillating between sad and mad.

Yesterday was no better, in fact it was worse.  I had to wait to come back to the nest.  When it was finally time I came in and it was a disaster MESS.  But I didn’t care, he had worked on the leaves for which I was grateful.  Stanley hugged me and gave me a kiss when he left (possibly I looked pathetic) which made it worse and I cried again.  WTF?  At that point, I decided I was quite possibly insane after all.

Up, Down, Up, Down, Up, Down

Labile y’all.

Now I will share the texts between Al and I late last night when I was swinging so fast it was probably effecting the earth’s rotation.

Sometimes when I’m sad like today

I wish for the unemotional ‘Stanley’ days.

Before the divorce.

I love you.  I just want to do away with 

sad days.

Days when I just kind of enjoyed

my life and bobbed along.

Didn’t cry or feel guilty or worry

about much.

Admittedly it was sort of blunted.

Funny, I never miss my old life.

Bc yours were full of anger and 

irritation.  Mine was just full of 

apathy and frustration.

I would give up sad/guilt for apathy sometimes.

Not trade you for him, just wish for those 

easier feelings again.

Don’t forget you fantasized about

Zach Efron.

I get it, point taken.  No, there was

no great love or emotion there.

Not trying to make a point.  Just to make

you smile.  

See for me it would all have been worth it

even if we had only had those first 2 days

after 30 years of being apart.

Shame me.

Things are going great with Stanley.  The kids are great.  I just still sometimes can’t believe the changes in my life.  I didn’t anticipate being divorced.  I didn’t anticipate that I would feel so much guilt about being divorced and about the kids.  I hate the constant worry about money.   I was kind of blunted when I was married.  Stanley isn’t emotional and it was a rare occasion that I cried.  But I was really lonely and frustrated as hell not to have a partner.

I hate being divorced.  My divorce is not a mistake.  I just should have married the right man the first time.  

You live, you learn. You go up, you go down.