Good God, relationships are hard.
Last week, I shared a conversation that Al and I had been having regarding emotional baggage and my feeling that I have already dated one of almost every type of guy out there. (And those I missed I experienced second hand through girlfriends). I was really annoyed for no good reason because something he enjoys (which was nothing in the scheme of our relationship) brought up feelings already irritated raw by a previous man.
And then this weekend he mentioned a little tidbit about one of his kids
You know the type of discussion. All is good and then you are thinking surely you heard that wrong, and you are thinking in your head,
“You let your kid do what, for how much money, no, wait, what?”
Cognitively, I am very aware that what other people/or boyfriends let their kids do is not my business. I see people all the time that let their kids do things where I am like
(Case in point, the Airsoft gun debate currently raging in my house. We live in a city and my kid doesn’t need a gun that looks like a real gun no matter what his friends have. He has no place to shoot it where he won’t be seen and someone wonder how a kid got a gun. HELL NO. BTW, Stanley told him to ask me. Coward.)
Much to my lovah’s dismay, I am always looking for landmines in relationships. I think he looks through rose colored readers, but it is one thing that works in our relationship. I feel like I have been through the relationship wringer and I can’t do divorce again. I want to make good relationship decisions going forward because damn, the last 4 years SUCKED WALLY.
The ending of my marriage took 4 years. I was miserable for one year, in marital counseling for the next year, separated year 3, and have just completed my first year as a divorced person. I am giving that process 4 years. This year I plan to put that fucker behind me.
The divorce rate for second marriages is a staggering 60% (I saw one estimate of 67%!) But the bottom line, is that when two people get married that have children with other people, the kids and the financials become their business to some degree.
I really am impressed that any second marriages between people who both already have kids make it.
If first marriages are hard, when the money woes are usually ‘joint screw ups’ and your kids are ‘your joint’ kids, then damn, imagine second marriages where another person is expected to cope with the decisions you mades with that other woman’ and the decisions you made for your kids with ‘that other woman’ which might be completely different from the decisions she made financially and about her kids with that other man. I have an 8 year-old. If Al and I stay together, he will be dealing with the raising of her forever.
For Al and I, the issue mentioned above is that his kids go to private school because she insisted that they had to go to private school because she went to these private schools and it creates an additional hardship for him, which I hate. They live in an area where the public schools are an option. I work tirelessly here (including last night attending a School Board Meeting where parents spoke and we held up signs trying to save a gifted program that is on the chopping block) at my kid’s schools so that they can go to public schools in an area where most of the public schools suck. I have even served my time as PTA President and am currently on about 3 committees (if anyone wants to contribute we are having a silent auction soon so that we can build an outdoor PE structure). BTW, he is committed to the schools because his kids have been going to them their whole life; to make them change now would be cruel and a terrible parenting decision, I agree.
We had lots of discussion about this topic. Not the school thing, but the issues that come up in our relationship with all of these outside factors and people involved. We determined that
First marriages probably often fail because of relationship dynamics.
whereas
Second marriages probably often fail because of outside stressors.
In second marriages, the relationship may be better but the resentment you carry from having to deal with kids and money decisions from a previous marriage may bring doom. Also, so many people rush into second marriages and carry over their patterns from their last relationship into their new one. I’m afraid that Stanley will fall into this catagory. He seems to be moving quickly with that woman that wants my lifestyle. Bitch.
Al and I talk about marriage one day. The distance is awful but it does offer protection to us and keeps us from doing anything stupid, like get married soon.
Maybe if we can get the kids all grown up then we can tie the knot.
Or maybe he will decide I’m a crazy bitch
or
I will decide he is a stalker.
Putting on my Rose Colored Glasses.
Or possibly we might live ‘happily ever after’ after all.
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