The Winds Are A’Howling

The winds howled all night long and my brain was in overdrive. 

Again, I was processing my decision to divorce.

I don’t know why I bother.

It’s not new.  I’ve been divorced for almost 2 years.

The reason I was processing last night was because I was in my house and I was scared.  The kids were tucked in their beds but the weather was frightful.  I heard howling winds and there were giant balls falling from the trees. (Nuts? Huge acorns? Dead birds?  Was it the apocalypse after all?) It was so loud I was afraid it was going to break a window in one of the kid’s rooms.  I don’t think I slept 2 hours.   I feel so responsible for the kids when I’m alone here at night.  I never rest well anymore and I would be ashamed if you knew how much medicine I take to help me sleep.  And I still don’t sleep.  I don’t take prescribed sleeping pills just Tylenol PM but it isn’t working for me anymore. 

Well, I’m just going to tell you, because what’s the point of

blogging anonymously if you aren’t honest.

Last night I took one Xanax (because if I don’t my heart races at bedtime from anxiety.  Is it perimenopause?)  Then I take one Naproxen (for my TMJ) and 2 Tylenol PM (which doesn’t do shit.)

It’s like Valley of the Dolls all up in here at night.

And there I was, eyes wide open listening to every falling cannon ball

and scared I can’t take care of the kids by myself.

 

Again, my pattern. 

You don’t hear me saying I miss Stanley.

It’s me missing having a man here and someone I can split responsibility with

during the night time hours.

 

I spent most of the night berating myself for being a dumb twat.

What was I thinking?

I have 3 little kids?

I’M SCARED.

 

Al says that he thinks men live more in the present

and women live more in the past.

He says that men rarely berate themselves for mistakes

they made in the past.

He said they just focus on the present and move on.

He’s really wishing I was more like that I think.

 

whatever.

Everytime I get scared like this, physically like last night, or financially, like always, I go back and berate myself for thinking I would be happier doing it by myself.  I put my hair shirt on and flog away at my back calling myself names over and over.

 

Then somehow the wind changes and I finally stop.

Usually at that time I realize I am doing okay on my own.

At least I don’t have to feel alone in the room with my husband anymore.

I’m hoping the wind changes here soon.