Trusting Myself

After all of the stress of last week with my brothers and their judgement concern that I am rushing into a relationship,  I had a wonderful, wonderful weekend.  Al came and we celebrated with a very dear friend the Bat Mitzvah of her daughter.  My children were with us for part of it and we had a really great time.  It was fun to go out as a couple although we did have some explaining to do among people who didn’t realize I was divorced or dating someone.I explained the whole ‘High School Sweethearts’ thing more than once.  Most of the time, it is met with an

“Awwwwww”

Also, we had a really good time with my kids who seemed really happy to see Al again and there was no oddness or weird behaviors.  As a matter of fact, Saturday, when we were taking a mid day break between festivities, Merlot ran up to Al and gave him an impromptu hug.  I melted and The Biggest Sap on the Planet gave me this look and

 his lower lip wobbled 

He is going to hate this pic but it was sooo sweet.

I am such a people pleaser.  I hate conflict and I hate people thinking I didn’t do a good job.  Everyone in a family has a role, and in my family or origin and in my marriage, I was the ‘peacekeeper’.  I am a problem solver, working it out as quickly as I can so that peace can be restored as quickly as possible.  As a matter of fact, when Al and I started reconnecting, his response to my profession was, “Wow, you are such a straight talker I am shocked you went into psych.”  Well, when you think about it, it is no surprise at all that I did.  I soothe people and problem solve for a living, but usually, with tact, I still give it to them straight.  I hate it, but, I have the people pleasing bug baaaad.

To think that someone is disappointed in me or questioning my judgement with my kids?

Ledge City

Being with Al this weekend, even though I was so tender and stinging from my brother’s judgement, made me realize that I am so lucky.  He listened to me and helped me process my feelings and it all just made me realize what a positive force he is in my life and so

 really, they can kiss my ass.

At the very beginning of this new relationship, Al and I made a commitment to each other that our children would always come first.  One of the first times I visited him his daughter called, in the midst of a huge fight with her mother, and needed him to come get her.  He looked at me and I said, “GO”.  He got her and took her to lunch, calmed her down and then dropped her back off.  The kids come first and they have to know they come first.  

But other people? 

Especially people that haven’t been prevalent in our lives?

They must come second.

Actually, they must come, let’s see………  there are the kids, 6 of them.  Then Al (7), because he is precious and comes before me (8), so they come sometime after 9.

 I am in the process of self talking myself to death.  

My current internal monologue sounds like this:

 “TRUST YOURSELF.

TRUST YOURSELF.

THEY DON’T WALK IN YOUR SHOES.

THIS MAN IS WONDERFUL.

YOU’VE NEVER HAD A WONDERFUL MAN.

DON’T RUN HIM OFF JUST BECAUSE OF STUPID PEOPLE 

WHO SPEND ZERO TIME WITH YOU.

TRUST YOURSELF, YOU DUMB BITCH. “

I am determined to pay attention to my voices and blunt the sounds of others. Because if I run this man off it will be the stupidest thing I have ever done.

The lip wobble had me at “hello.”