Watching Paint Dry! Sex Week! NFSW

Otherwise known as sex with Stanley.

But first let me say that Al pouted this morning because he was mad that I have had sex with other men.  I had to kiss him better over the phone.  I guess he thought I found my 3 kids under a cabbage leaf in the garden.  Just remember, I didn’t like it with anybody else, Lovebug.

Back to married sex.  Yuckypoo!

I guess when we first got together it wasn’t terrible.  To be honest I don’t much remember.

Which is probably a bad sign.  

Then we started having babies (I got pregnant 6 months into our marriage) and it went way downhill.  I was nursing babies and seeing patients all day and the last thing I wanted was for him to have needs.  I realize that was horribly unfair.  But it is the truth.  And so, like most women (don’t even say you don’t), I faked it and gave it up just enough to keep him on the happy side.  Not deliriously happy, mind you.  

Let’s face it.  It isn’t like he was knocking himself out to please me either.

Man, it got predictable.  Then I realized that it was always me that was trying to spice it up anyway and that he was just fine with predictable. Predictable was good for him actually because it didn’t take much time and he got his needs met.  I have no idea if he ever wondered about my needs.  Doesn’t appear so.  I would try to talk to him about it but it was usually during or right after which didn’t work at all.  

I distinctly remember him getting up and leaving bed after I said something to the effect of,  “Could you slow down a bit” and him responding with, “mumble, mumble, grumble, feelings something”.   I remember wishing I had the nerve to say, “You are like Speedy Gonzales!” but alas, I feared that would be mean.  

I could not talk to him constructively about it at any other time either because he couldn’t talk to me about anything, and certainly not sex.   Like I minded.  I was exhausted and uninspired.  But we weren’t the only ones:

A friend of mine described she and her husband’s love making like this:

– 30 seconds of kissing 

followed by

– 30 seconds of him touching her nipples

followed by

– 30 seconds of his hands in her genital area

(He might find the sweet spot in that time, might not)

followed by

– 30 seconds of intercourse

followed by 

-30 seconds of holding before he turned over and went to sleep.

Reminds me of the chicken dance.

Imagine him nekkid!  See?

I have a group of women I see for dinner 3 – 4 times per year.  We are old friends and our friendship predates most of our marriages.  I am the only one divorced.    We talk very frankly.  Pretty much the consensus among the group is that sex is boring boring boring.  Even some of the husbands seem not to be into it.  The girls and I have a date to go to the adult toy shop here pretty soon. I’ll take pics.  I have a very happening Auntie (NOT AUNT MAE) who sent me a vibe that looks like a lipstick for my birthday, so I am the one with the most experience in that department.  

Go Auntie!

Just my color.

The truth of the matter is that sex in my marriage, and 

 NEWSFLASH,

 I think a whole lot of women feel this way,

 became just so not worth the effort.

We would start making out, and he would move fast and finish just as I started to get going and then he was asleep and I was horribly frustrated. 

Really, do I have to do it myself with someone else beside me?

Because that is just annoying.

Not worth the effort.  I have even heard some men say that they faked it just to get it to stop.   To which I say their partner must be pretty fucking stupid if she didn’t notice the lack of drips and wet spot.

That was not worth anyone’s effort.

I don’t necessarily think that Stan was a bad lover, just not the right lover for me.  

I have decided that the whole thing boils down to how well you communicate.  We didn’t at all.  So I’m sure that even in bed we were tense and closed.   Sex can’t be good when you are tense and closed off from your partner.  That said, maybe there is another woman that he can be open with and for her he may be a perfect lover.  

Just keepin the dream alive.

I should have known it was never going to work with Stanley because he couldn’t sleep touching me.

Stanley and I were Cat Block and Invisible Dog all the way.

Really.  Where was the intimacy?

I do think that skipping the whole “baby thing” and not having the burden of babies and toddlers may make it easier to feel sexy in new “later in life” relationships.   There is nothing that is less sexy than feeling like you smell like breast milk and baby apricots.

Feelin so sexy here.

There is so much stress that comes along with kids and I think resentment builds (someone isn’t pulling their weight, money woes, etc. ) and the last thing you want to do is touch that person.  In my current relationship, we missed all of that but each have plenty of resentment and pure downright scorn towards the partners we experienced that stage with.  With that said, I do know many happy marriages of couples who have raised families and still seem to like each other.  I think they all would say that they are married to their best friend.  Wanting to rip the clothes off of that best friend is probably their formula for success in a long term marriage and would certainly be icing on the cake. 

Clearly those stupid Duggars are still doing it.

YUCK.

I will admit, there is nothing so exciting as being in love at this age.  I don’t care if I’m cool.  I don’t care if he has gray hair.  I don’t care if I look needy, ya know what?  I am needy!  I don’t care if he sees me naked, because at this point a lot of people have seen me naked, including after 3 babies, most of my OB practice. 

I’m no longer tense and closed and have the CIPRO to prove it. 

So in conclusion; those stupid Duggars, yuck, babies, yuck, bad communication, double yuck, no wet spot means he’s faking, Speedy Gonzalez, yuck, lipstick vibes, YES, talking dirty, YES, flirt with me, YES,  Cipro is cheap, YES, make it worth the effort, YES! YES! YES!