My wedding clothes are a disaster. I feel like they are a disaster anyway. I took care of everyone else’s clothes and then I ordered a preowned dress (I did go to a bridal store and try it on beforehand, I’m not that stupid) for $231 which included shipping.
Now I hate it and want to wear a big black fuzzy cardigan over the whole thing.
A month ago I tried the dress on again and felt it was a little loose in the top and needed slight alteration. Someone recommended a woman that works out of her home, Nanda, who turned out to be of some Bavarian/Nordic descent that completely lacks any sort of tact. I didn’t ask because I was too afraid. The first fitting went well. She pinned it up where it needed and didn’t dash my dreams of looking respectable for the wedding.
She waited until the 2nd fitting to do that.
She said, “I hate ze shrug. I know vhy you vant to vear it, to cover ze arms. But, it looks flimsy and I hate it.”
Well, I started hating it too.
Next, “Now, ze boobs. Ze boobs are bad. I know zat zey have to go somewhere, but I tink you should not vear ze bra.
Ze bra makes it pushed up too high. Like ze boobs are under your chin. Ze problem is your body.”
Me
Then, as if it wasn’t bad enough, “Now, I know zat zey have to go somewhere. Clearly, you are too heavy, but you have a good shape and in good proportion. Ve just have to do zomezing with ze boobs. I say, take off ze strapless bra, ze dress will hold it.”
Shocked, I took off ze bra…
and my boobs fell to the floor.
I worked up to enough nerve to tell her, I can’t go without the bra. I’m huge busted and nursed 3 children each extensively, as in over 2 years, apiece.
We compromised that I would wear my regular bra and push down the straps.
as if…
So, I get in the car and I’m all
intermixed with self hatred at being 50 and fat and angry at myself that I didn’t go to a proper bridal store and say,
“I’m 50 and fat and have huge boobs I need a dress that I can wear my regular bra, fix me.”
Nanda calls me before I even get home because she knew I was upset. Even Stanley, with his diminished observation skills would have been able to figure that out.
She’s all, “I’m sorry if I was too aggrezzive, I feel ztrongly about ze bra.”
I’m like, “I gotta go. Iz okay.”
So, I see my mom a few minutes later and she sees my face and starts googling bolero’s, shrugs, basically any sort of tent to cover up my fat arms and any escaping side boob. Then we make a date to go look for other bras.
Well, there are no bras that don’t push you up, so other than duct taping the girls down, they are going to be up high.
Nanda no like..
BTW, I want to go on record as saying there was barely any cleavage showing with the strapless bra. I wouldn’t do that.
So, I went in a fitting room with a bra specialist, plus my dress. I had on girdles, waist cinchers, long line bras, bras with clear straps, every single one pushes the girls up. And of course now since I am AWARE of the lack of space between my boobs and chin, I feel horribly self conscious. At this point I have spent waaay more on underwear and bolero’s than I paid for the dress. Ridiculous. I’m dreading putting it on, if I can even get it on, because nothing makes me hungrier than self loathing.
I’m wondering if I can get away with this in June..
I hate that dress and I hate Nanda.
Awww…honey. You’ll look gorgeous. And you’ll know it the moment your future husband sees you in the dress. I promise.