Stanley and I started birdnesting 3.5 years ago.
It is with great pride that I say it has been awesome for the kids and they have come through this whole divorce situation beautifully. We’ve had no behaviors, no grade issues, and with a few exceptions of Merlot crying when I was leaving her with Stanley (who wouldn’t?) there have been no speed bumps of any sort with them. The biggest adjustment issue at the house has been from the dog.
For us, it works.
We’ve come a long way. Looking back, after researching it on the internet, first I had to convince Stanley, then the mediator, and then the judge. None of them were familiar with the arrangement and I had to promise the judge that day in court that he wouldn’t see us back in his courtroom, angry and unable to co-parent because of our failed non-traditional arrangement.
As great as it is for the kids, it has worn thin with the adults. I am sick of not sleeping in my bed every night but I would do it until Merlot goes off to college if only Stanley would agree; that is how good I think it has been for the children. Since Al and I are getting married, next summer is the prime time to do something different since Stanley has said he doesn’t want to continue. That means that we have to agree on a new arrangement, child support, etc.
I swear to God, I hope I didn’t lie to that judge. I don’t want to have to see him again.
At this time, Stanley and I have 50/50 custody, but I want more time and I think he will agree to more of a 60/40 split. Or maybe not. I know some people with 50/50 custody do one week on and one week off. The Boy would be fine but the girls wouldn’t like that arrangement at all. Also, he has told me that his girlfriend will be involved and they will be buying a place together when he gets his money out of this house. She spends limited time with them and has no kids of her own, cats only. It will be a huge adjustment, not only for the kids, but also for her to have the kids around, sleeping in their house, for days on end at a time.
They are going to have an adjustment with Al here all the time too, but have spent tons more time with him, including 2 week long vacations and several 4 day stretches.
I’m nervous about having to renegotiate custody and child support with Stanley. He thinks that he can do 50/50 because he has been doing 50/50. But, he hasn’t. I do their laundry and school stuff and help them with the homework and projects. I do their extra stuff. I do all of that with them before he comes in on his days (which are really evening only), so he has no idea of the real deal around here. Just last week I was at the pediatrician 3x, which meant 3 trips to the pharmacy. Several of those were on his days, but that shit doesn’t just happen by magic.
He ain’t a damn Leprechaun.
I would really appreciate it if you readers would post your custody arrangement in the comments so I can get some ideas about what some options are.
Thank you.
My custody arrangements are far from ideal, but my ex is much farther from ideal than Stanley. We have a two week rotating schedule based on his shifts. It’s two on, two off, the weekend and then the opposite the following week. It’s working better for us now than a few years ago, but mine are younger than yours and don’t have very many after school activities. I have a friend that does the five and two and swears by it. I’d hazard after some time with the crazy cat lady all your fussing will go out the window and the kids will end up with you 80% of the time anyway. Good luck hon!!
2 weeks? How do you manage? Do you see them some during the week? Mine would look homeless after 2 weeks but maybe not, maybe he would step up. Trying to see it… Ha.
2 weeks? How do you manage? Do you see them some during the week? Mine would look homeless after 2 weeks but maybe not, maybe he would step up. Trying to see it… Ha.
I have a friend who is a cop and has this schedule. To be clear, in a two week period, its Monday Tuesday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Wednesday, and Thursday. Then you start it all over again. She never goes longer than three days without having her kids. She’s happy with it because any other schedule would limit her time with the kids. It’s a bit bouncy to me, but that is the schedule of her life, so the kids were already kind of used to it. Her ex wanted a more traditional schedule with the kids to be with him most of the time during the ween and with her every other weekend.
I have a friend who is a cop and has this schedule. To be clear, in a two week period, its Monday Tuesday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Wednesday, and Thursday. Then you start it all over again. She never goes longer than three days without having her kids. She’s happy with it because any other schedule would limit her time with the kids. It’s a bit bouncy to me, but that is the schedule of her life, so the kids were already kind of used to it. Her ex wanted a more traditional schedule with the kids to be with him most of the time during the ween and with her every other weekend.
I have a friend who is a cop and has this schedule. To be clear, in a two week period, its Monday Tuesday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Wednesday, and Thursday. Then you start it all over again. She never goes longer than three days without having her kids. She’s happy with it because any other schedule would limit her time with the kids. It’s a bit bouncy to me, but that is the schedule of her life, so the kids were already kind of used to it. Her ex wanted a more traditional schedule with the kids to be with him most of the time during the ween and with her every other weekend.
Lord no- two days on two days off and then the weekend over a two week schedule. It wouldn’t take mine two weeks before they looked homeless…they usually look that way after the second day.
I can’t speak to custody arrangements, but I’d like to be a fly on the wall when Cat Lady realizes that Stanley expects her to do his kids’ laundry and make their dinner while he’s brewing beer in the garage.
haha, yes, that would be priceless!
haha, yes, that would be priceless!
My custody arrangement is I have my kid from after school on Wednesdays through to Sunday afternoons. She then goes to her dad’s from Sunday afternoon until Weds morning when she goes to school. This is due to his work schedule – he owns a small restaurant and is the main cook, so he works every weekend. I just accommodated his schedule, even though I confess I’d love a weekend to myself on occasion. We used to do every other Weds night so it would be totally even, but a few years ago she told me she’d rather just come to my house every Wednesday. This has been going on for the last 12 years – we split up when she was 5 and she’s 17 now. Recently he told her that when she turns 18 he’s going to move to a 1 bedroom apt so apparently she’ll just be at my house when she’s not away at school. Which is fine with me but what a thing to say to your child. That man, honestly. Don’t get me started.
Thanks for your info and that is a terrible thing to say to your child!
My custody is non-traditional, but works for me. My ex gets the kids every Wednesday and Friday after school until 5:30 pm, every other Saturday from 6 pm Saturday to 11 am Sunday. Once a month he gets them all weekend Friday until Sunday at 11 am, but he rarely takes the entire weekend.
Thank you Julie!!
I share 50/50 custody of my two children (ages 7 & 10) with my ex. I think it is referred to as the 2-2-3 schedule. I would have them Monday-Wednesday morning, they would go to ex’s after school or pre-arragnement exchanged time (ours is 10a.m. if there is no school). Then he would have them Wednesday-Friday morning and I would get them after school Friday through Monday morning. Then the schedule would flip-flop the next week. He would then have them Monday-Wednesday and the following weekend. This plan allows parents to do every other weekend and split the week. We rarely go more than a day without seeing the kids on this schedule with the exception of the weekend. Plus, my kids are involved in sports throughout the year so the weekends they are with their dad I get to see them and enjoy their games also. We have two separate households, in which clothes, toys, and other items go freely back and forth. My kids have been doing this for about a year and a half and they seem to have adjusted well. I pick them up from school since I do not live in the school district and they have needed minimal reminders about whether they are to take bus or I am picking them up. My ex and I have tried our best with communication about school and sports and there have only been minor issues. As much as I would love to have my children all the time and I never signed up for this outcome, he is their father and they deserve to have both parents in their lives.
That is what we do now but with bird nesting. I think we will probably try to start that way and agreed they need both. Thanks!!
My ex husband and i alternate weeks. We get dinner with the kids Wednesday night that they are with the other parent. That said, we are flexable. If we want to do something with the kids when its not our parenting time, its usually OK. My oldest is in highschool and spends most of her time at her dads. As far as support payments, theres a formula, but basically its 1.5 times the regular support number total, and then adjusted for percent of time with eaach parent. When we split, I made more than my ex, so i owed him, but he waived it. His career has taken off, but ive remarried and dont feel right about asking him to pay. I would if my financial situation took a down turn. We basically have duplicate everything and nothing has to go back and forth except their backpacks.
While we were separated, but still living together, we simulated (still in the ssme house, but stayed out of the way as much as possible) the 2-2-3. Our youngest was a marriage counciling retreat surprise, so we were advised to keep the gaps small. It was very bouncy, so we switched to alternating week with no restrictions to see the kids, and added the mid week dinner to bring a bit more structure and predictibilty.
I try to live by the idea that the schedule is there to ensure that the kids can count on seeing the other parent, to to keep the other parent from seeing the kids. It works for us.
I’ve remarried and my husband and his ex have a very rigid arrangement. He gets every Thursday night and Friday, Saturday, and Sunday nights alternating weeks. She’s a gate keeper and has never said yes to a request for him to have his son on her time and never given any compensation when he lets her have their son on his time. He gets 4 weeks vacation in the summer and she gets two (to partially offset the difference in parenting time during the school year). All of the holidays are alternating. Support is calculated by the state guidelines, with no adjustments for the percentage of time with the patent. Basically, he pays the same as if he didn’t have any overnights with their son. She sends her son out with onlybthe clothes on his back, so we have to have duplicates of everything. They split expenses that are defined in their agreement (co-pays, summer camp etc…) 70/30 (their income ratio at separstion).
Jenny, thanks for this response. It sounds like you and your ex do great to make sure the kids get what they need without restriction. I have found that so many people are inflexible thinkers. His ex sounds difficult at best.
We are 50/50 (still separated but papers drawn up and that’s how we have it written up). My kids are 9, 4 and 2. However, in theory only are we a week and a week. I have never made it a whole week without seeing my kids. Usually by day 3 I need to see them and they need to see me so I go home and see them. We are also nesting. I stay at my dad’s on his “weeks” because my dad travels 3 weeks out of the month. My ex has his own place but it isn’t really suitable for the kids. This is only our temporary plan. We wanted to make it through the school year before we make a more permanent move. Luckily we are civil and he understands I can’t go a whole week without my kids and has never given me a hard time about wanting to come home one night during his week. I extend the same courtesy to him. I like the idea on Wednesday-Sunday and then flip flop better but we thought maybe trying for a whole week we could see how we do and adjust from there. So far it’s been as good as it can be. Good to read about someone else who has success nesting!
We have been birdnesting for 7 months and my kids have been fine, two boys 5 and 7. My ex hates it though and has pushed for separate residences. We will share 50/50 custody, week on week off with a night each during the off week so that we only go 3-4 days max without seeing the kids. I already have the strong feeling my ex will pass on seeing them on his night in the off week. It’s far from perfect and I actually am thinking I should have held out for 2-2-3 but time will tell. I hope if the kids don’t cope we can re-visit the arrangement. We only move from birdnesting to the new arrangement in the next 2 weeks, fingers crosseD it goes ok. Divorce sucks, what can I say.
My kids hated going back and forth, so we have them switch once a month. They stay with me for 2.5 weeks then go to their dad for 1.5 weeks. This month I’m going to have them for 3.5 weeks because he is traveling, but it normally works out just fine.
Husband #1 had visitation every Wednesday from after school to 8pm. And from after school on Friday to 8pm on Sunday every other weekend. Holidays were every other year with Thanksgiving going to me if Christmas was with him. But Mother’s Day weekend always with me and Father’s Day weekend always with him. He also got one week full vacation in the summer. The kids always slept at my home on school nights.
My ex and I split time 50/50 by alternate weeks with a mid-week dinner for the other parent (no overnight). I like it because there’s only one exchange per week (usually pickup and drop off at school) and typically nothing goes back and forth between the houses. There are rules for vacation and holidays alternating holidays and makeup time if necessary. My high school age daughter spends most of her time at her dad’s. It’s “off the books” so to speak and we’ve never formized her deal other than I do expect her to be with us on my midweek dinner. It’s all pretty flexible and works well.
Before I remarried, I dated a guy who had three long weekends a month (Friday after school to Monday school drop off) and a mid week dinner every week. I think he had more holiday and vacation time. It seemed like a pretty good schedule for those worried about visitation on school nights or unwilling to share parenting time 50/50.
My husband and his ex have a ridgid schedule that is followed to a T. He gets a mid week overnight every week and alternating weekends from Friday after school to Monday morning school drop off, alternating holidays, summer vacation (I think 3 weeks), and makeup days if her holiday or vacation happens on “his time” or if he misses time due to travel for work (She has more time, so the reverse is not true and she doesn’t get makeup days). It all adds up to a stipulated minimum number of days for him each year, and his exwife has never granted a request for any additional time for any reason. I’m not a fan of the mid week overnight. It’s kind of disruptive. It would be better for them to have two dinners a week or add time on another weekend.
My ex and I are 50/50. We currently do a 2-2-5-5. He has the kids every Monday and Tuesday nights, I have the kids every Wednesday and Thursday nights, and we alternate Friday, Saturday, and Sunday nights and major holidays and school breaks. We each get up to three weeks of vacation. He also has a 183 night a year guarentee to cover loosing days to vacation and holidays (a lot of them fall on Mondays). He was kind of paranoid about being equal when we separated, but has settled down now.
The upside to the plan for me is that I can count on always having the kids on Wednesday and Thursday nights, which makes planning easier (at least to me). Because of the kids activities, I always see them on the weekend, even if they are staying with their dad, so we really never go more than a couple of days without seeing our kids.
I think that my ex would rather alternate weeks because it has fewer exchanges, but he was willing to try my plan as long as it was 50/50.
We have a week on/week off schedule. Sometimes it’s really hard to make it the whole week without seeing him. Luckily, his school is within walking distance of my house, so I can go have lunch with him whenever I want. We alternate holidays, so if I have him for Thanksgiving, he gets Christmas Eve through Christmas morning. It’s worked well so far and I appreciate having fewer exchanges as they happen mostly at school. Things haven’t always been smooth sailing, so we meet in public places for exchanges (library or McD’s) to respect each other’s space.
Like most of the divorced parents I know, we have a week on /week off parenting plan. We each get dinner one night that the kids are at the other parents house. It’s not a set night, we just work it out. We alternate major holidays and each get up two weeks of vacation in the summer. It’s a pretty stable plan for the kids, with the fewest exchanges possible (almost always at school). Idealy, nothing other than their backpack goes between houses. In actual practice, the plan is really a framework to ensure that the kids can count on being with both parents, but just because it’s my week, it doesn’t mean that my ex can’t take the kids out for an activity. On the down side, we do have duplicates of almost evertything, which I know some can’t afford. We work together on purchasing clothes, setting a budget. I do the girl shopping and he does the boy shopping. On occasion, we have to do a bit of redistribution of items (clothes or shoe, or jackets when the weather changes). Usually boy stuff…. It’s not a big deal, we live 5 minutes apart.
The only other major thing is if we have to travel for work, which I do more of than he does. I try to schedule it while the kids are with their dad, but when that doesn’t work, he’s been very acomodating.
A couple of things that help alot
1. live very close (one grocery store over, but still in the school district is a good guide)
2. get a family email address for school so that both get notified of things. It’s easy to set up with GMail. When you reply from the family email account, cc the family account so that the other parent can see that you’ve answered.
3. a family calendar helps. We use Google for that as well. The kids have it on their iPhones now.
4. go to kid based things as a family (plays, games, parent teacher conferences) and if you can’t do that, make sure that the other parent knows about it.
5. remember that the schedule is there so that the kids can count on seeing both of their parents, not to limit or control time with them.
Our custody arrangements are pretty weird because they are dictated by my exwife’s work schedule, which changes every two months and frequently involve working nights and other non-kid-friendly hrs. She normally works four days on / three days off and with the commute she’s gone about 13 hrs, which means when she’s working, it’s almost impossible for her to take the kids for a whole day/night. She has to leave before they need to get up for school and is an hour away when school is over. Basically, we work around her schedule, giving her as much time as possible, but no matter what her schedule is, I get minimum of 8 days, including one weekend every two week period. She gets 6 days in that same two week period, where ever they fall based on her work schedule except that I still get at least one weekend if it works out that she’s off all weekends. For child support and other paperwork considerations, it’s a 60/40 split.
In actual practice, we try to keep it as even as possible, looking for opportunities where she can have them after school or dinner or take them to school in the morning. We alternate holidays, which means that I can count on having the kids on those specific holidays and might have them if my ex is working and find some sort of makup time that makes sense.
The biggest thing is to remember that the kids need both of us and need to be assured that they will see both of us often (we keep a family schedule). But beyond that, we (really mostly me) try to ensure that the schedule is not used to keep the kids from the other parent. For example, If my ex’s schedule has afternoons free, I’m happy when they’ve made afterschool plans, even if it is “my day”.
I’d like to add that I think it is great that you tried birdnesting. It’s a creative solution that truely attempts to put the kids first and lets the adults experience what the kids are going through. Ultimately, I’m betting that it is hard to sustain long term, but that transition period between separating/divorcing and moving on is so traumatic. If you can give the kids a stable place to hide while that happens, they will be better prepared for the day when you both move on with the rest of your lives. I guess we did a baby version of bird nesting. My ex stayed with her “friend” on my parenting time and while I didn’t move out when she was home with the kids, I did my best to stay out of the way, finding reason’s to have other plans for dinner and such.
I’ll never understand the walk away parents (It’s not just Dads, I know a couple of moms who fit the bill). I went through a full scale custody war with my exwife to ensure that I could continue to be a parent for my kids.
sorry… this was supposed to go on another post… not sure how it ended up here…
When we first separated, my exwife had the kids Monday’s and Tuesdays, I had them Wednesdays and Thursdays, and we alternated the weekend (Friday, Saturday, and Sunday). When she moved away, she got the kids alternating Thanksgiving break, half of Christmas break, and all of the other school breaks. When she moved back, we switched to alternating weeks with her having two weeks of vacation and me having five. We can each do things with the kids on the others week with a bit of coordination.