I am amazed at the number of responses I get like this when I tell people about bird nesting.
Oh my God, I could just never do that. I could never bear that sort of inconvenience.
Really? Not even for your children? They didn’t ask to be born into a marriage that had problems. I wish to God I didn’t have to do this either. It is hard to see Stanley so often. The things that he does that irritated me before the divorce have only gotten more irritating and sometimes the very thought of him makes me want to dig in my purse.
Also, I have been HIGHLY irritated because I have read some blogs online where women are asking asinine questions like,
why can’t my boyfriend put me over his children?
To that I say,
Because he can’t bitch!
I hope to God that he never ever puts your skanky ass over his children.
I have recently seen blog posts where there are declarations from women who are angry because the boyfriend has been out of town and came back into town on his kid day and there was hell to pay because he didn’t ditch the kids to spend the evening with them.
For real. They are his children. They didn’t ask to be born into his chaos and your drama.
Part of being an adult is realizing your responsibility to people who are dependent on you. I don’t know how people sleep at night that don’t feel that responsibility to their children.
I try to put myself into their heads and I have determined that they are thinking that they will put the kids first tomorrow. Or they will be a better parent tomorrow.
Like when you are on a diet and you are going to do better tomorrow.
I for one, am going to start exercising tomorrow.
But I just can’t see how you can do that with kids and get away with it. Because kids will leave when they grow up and they don’t have to come back and see you, or be close to you or take care of you when you are old. There is such irreparable damage that can be done. I see it among my clients everyday.
I would never respect a man that didn’t put his kids first.
There are many reasons not to bird nest.
At the top is the inability to communicate with your ex spouse without conflict.
But ‘because it would inconvenience me’ is not a good one.
Parenting is serious and your kids always come before you.
You can put yourself first, but start picking out your nursing home now.
Because taking care of your old ass is going to be highly inconvenient.
Just my 2 cents.
AMEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes, yes, yes, yes. We’ve done something like bird-nesting for a year now, and it has been pretty horrific for me, but I’d do it again in a heartbeat because it has worked for our daughter. In the long run, I don’t think it’s good for her (or me)because of the unhealthy dynamics of our household, but the whole point is to do what is right for my child, not to be convenient! And as for men – any man who would put me in front of his children is a man I don’t want to spend time with.
The word “inconvenience” should never be used in conjunction with parenthood, if you ask me. If you want “convenient”, you should get a fish, one of those self contained ones that doesn’t need food or tank cleaning. Geez.
You hit a hot spot for me here, too. Thanks for letting me vent alongside you! 🙂
I am about to start bird’s nesting with my STBX. We have three kids and it seems like a good option. We are also “sharing” an apartment for the times either one of us is not at the nest. So far we have gotten negative feedback from our marital counselor and nearly everyone else (what about privacy, won’t you fight about who cleans and does groceries etc.). No one has seemed to perceive the benefits, only the negatives. I am trying to ignore the doubters and just focus on the important reasons we are doing this (duh! it’s better for the kids!). It’s great to read about your experience.
I know that this is an old comment, but, props for you two for at least trying. When it became obvious that I would be getting divorced, I researched birds nesting and offered it as an option. My ex was pretty hard over on me visiting three Sunday afternoons a month, so she rejected it outright. My nesting plan was a two bedroom apartment where each bedroom would have a lock on the door and would be your own private space. The rest of the area was common ground and each would need to treat it like a hotel that you had to clean before you left.
One thing you might do is agree in advance that if it doesn’t work out, you can automatically fall back to giving a 50/50 overnight plan a TRY. It will avoid a custody fight.
awesome! There are major perks for the kids. And no one is very supportive even still. I shouldn’t say that. They are just sort of pessimistic. But the kids are doing great. Good luck!
Props to you and your ex for at least trying bird nesting. It is putting the kids first and almost as importantly, it tells the other parent that you truely belive that they are important to your kids. There will certainly be challenges as you both move on and as the kids get older their needs change too. My thought is that if it doesn’t work, you could always go to a 50/50 overnight plan. And if that doesn’t work, then when you have to settle into something where one of you has less parenting time, at least you’ve both demonstrated that you value the other as a parent and would be more likely to do the things that are necessary to foster the kids relationship with the other parent. I think a lot of custody fights are rooted in the fear of trusting someone who doesn’t love you controlling your relationship and access to you your kids. If I could have trusted my ex, I would have setteled or a timesharing arrangement that had me spending less time with the kids.
When I started dating after my divorce, I was suprised at the pressure some of these women put on me to put them on par or above my kids. I have a policy that they don’t get involved in the kids lives (other than a “chance” meeting or two) until I think that they are going to be around for a while. I’ve got sole custody of the kids, so I don’t have a ton of free time, but I’ve got a couple of great baby sitters recently, these days, my exwife is more available to take the kids.
Perfect example, my exwife got tickets to a concert for her and the kids. It was on her parenting time, so great, I’m free for the night and make a date. Something comes up and my ex can’t go but doesn’t want to dissapoint the kids and offers me the tickets (huge growth on her part that needs to be rewarded). So I cancel the date with two days notice. The woman I was dating got really pissy about it. She saw it as me putting the kids ahead of her (I was) and thougt my ex has me wrapped around her finger (couldn’t be farther from the truth). As Bill Engvall would say, “There’s your sign”.
X
X, thanks for your comment. Yes, there is your sign. It is really almost unimaginable that people wouldn’t know this already. Your kids are your KIDS. Thanks especially for the first paragraph. I hadn’t thought of the trust and value aspects. Thank you!