Leaving a union due to domestic abuse is very difficult. It can take victims years to face the truth about their marriage, their partner and the reality that abusers rarely change.
Abusers don’t make it any easier, either. Like a spider controlling his web, an abuser has his victim tucked in a nice spot where he can drain her as he needs. He doesn’t want to loose his source of narcissist supply and that puts her safety at risk.
Victims have wounds, financial struggles, society’s judgment and employment issues to face as they and the kids head out the door to a world filled with obstacles that will challenge their daily survival.
But once out, many victims feel a giant sense of relief that they have escaped the powerful hold of an abuser. It’s a good feeling, I know. A very good feeling.
Unfortunately, if a survivor has children with their abuser, they are about to enter crazy land again _ a world where family court doesn’t match up with criminal court and co-parenting is the norm. Co-parenting throws survivors and abusers back together in a pseudo-marriage from hell.
Despite many state laws that acknowledge domestic abuse as an important factor in sorting out custody arrangements, in practice, many courts ignore it and insist on co-parenting as the standard.
Co-parenting is the court-ordered cooperation of parents to manage the daily lives of their children together, despite divorce. It’s purpose is to force parents to always put first the best interest of the children and move past the reasons that drove their split.
Unfortunately, when you are co-parenting with an abuser, you know more than most that your abuser will never be good at this because he isn’t capable. Expecting him to put anyone’s interests before his own is like expecting him to magically turn _ say purple _ before your eyes.
Studies abound that show domestic abusers use co-parenting rules to grab back the power and control of their victims they lost through divorce. Through this well-meaning legal principle, abusers can have free access to wind their victims right back into their narcissistic web.
Co-parenting with your abuser can be traumatizing, can trigger Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and can be dangerous as you stand once again in shock that a person would choose to abuse and then be allowed to get away with it, this time using innocent children. I don’t know a mother who would be able to stand by and watch that happen calmly and not react dramatically.
Your feelings can be used against you
But, that is exactly what many courts want you to do. Your honest and legitimate reactions to such abuse in many cases can be used against you in family court, used to show that you are in fact uncooperative with your abusive ex, used to show that you are “alienating” your abuser from the children’s lives and not likely to be a good co-parent. And if the court sees you this way, you may very well loose custody. It happens around this country all the time.
Many a mother have lost custody of their kids because they dared to question and complain about their abusive ex, the court’s wisdom or the direction of mediators and coordinators who seemed to want little knowledge of your situation or your children’s. There are writers on this site who have lived that hell.
When my ex sued me for custody of our teenage boys, five-years after divorce and without evidence, I was beyond an emotional mess. Thankfully, he didn’t win custody, but he did establish co-parenting, which had just become law in our state, and something I thought (at that time) made sense. Ha.
Through it all, I am thankful for a few things that have kept me sane, protected me physically and helped me navigate this bumpy road. I can honestly say that despite the PTSD this created, I am emotionally strong, healthy and as my blog name states, thriving in crazy land.
Though there is no one size fits all, here are a few tips I can share that might serve you well if you are forced to co-parent with your abuser:
- First, start telling others about the abuse. Silence is borne out of shame for most victims, not fear. However, abusers capitalize on it as if you are afraid to tell and that can become a button used to abuse. Defuse it. It took me years to get past the shame of abuse, but when I did, I began to tell others what was happening. Today, I tell school officials, coaches, pastors, friends and family that domestic violence and abuse is part of the equation of our family, that there is a court order in place that dedicates much of my children’s childhood and that my ex is unsafe for me. Your actions going forward will make a lot more sense when people know what is behind it.
- Do whatever you have to employ excellent professional help. Too much is at stake to operate only with the advice of your friends, most who don’t understand abuse. There is a science to this and you need someone who understands the formulas. Find a psychologist, an attorney, an accountant, a parenting-coordinator who have lots of experience with domestic abuse victims. Never assume that they all do. In fact, the majority don’t.
- Document everything, no matter how much work it takes. I have nine years of emails stored, printed out and put away. Photos, letters, cards. Keep everything that goes on between you and your ex. Document phone calls, drop off times, missed visitations, everything. You will need this documentation to protect you and your kids in the future and you will be so thankful that you did it.
- Disengage from your ex. This is very difficult to do for a lot of reasons too many to list here. I understand this is not simple. Read more about this all over this site and the web. But, the more you care about your ex’s opinions, actions, feelings, etc., the more power he has over you.
- Create margin between you and your ex. Think of this like the shoulder on the side of the road. If something happens at high speeds and you swerve over the yellow line, that margin protects you from the disaster of an accident and gives you time to react safely. Margin in your relationship give you time to take in the abusive actions of your ex, feel it away from him, process it emotionally and react, if at all, in a healthy way.
- Get to Acceptance that life is unfair and can be unsafe. There is a process to this and its called grieving. You need to grieve the loss of the world you wanted for yourself and your children. You can’t just get to acceptance, you have to do the work of the process, best with a therapist. But the payoff is wonderful. Today, I’m sad that my children’s childhood has been scarred by abuse, but I have mourned that and accept that no child has a perfect childhood. Since I’ve processed this as a loss, I have come out the other side and recognize the silver that lines every dark cloud. You can, too.
- Similar to number 4, create “Limited Contact” with your ex. Psychologists advice victims of narcissists to use the “No Contact” method of therapy when breaking from an abuser. This means that you completely ignore all communication and never responding. Also, you stay away from your abuser, his hangouts, you de-friend him on Facebook, you break from mutual friends, don’t utter his name and so on. No Contact is nearly impossible when the court orders you to co-parent and share a lot of your personal life. But, limited contact is very possible.
- Get and stay emotionally healthy. This journey is draining and its a very long marathon. You need your emotional strength. So, stay in therapy, even if your finances are tight, find a way. Put energy into people who are giving you the same back. Victims are often co-dependents and we are reluctant to stop trying to make others happy or give up on people just because they don’t give us what we need. But, you need people around you who really care about your well-being. Identify the people in your life who would run through fire to save you and pour your relationship energy into them. Love the rest, but don’t spend your time “doing” for them. You need that energy for you and your children’s survival.
- Be the Mom you want to be and accept that you won’t be perfect. When you fall off that pedestal, dust yourself off, go apologize to your kids, and try again. You are in a horrible storm, one that your ex is enjoying watching from his perch. You are going to make mistakes. Don’t worry, we all do. But mistakes can be opportunities. You can learn from them and so can your children.
- Read about toxic ex’s, parenting with a toxic ex. There is a growing resource of information out there about this subject and much of it will help you. Education is the key to all of this. It is has kept me sane throughout crazy land.
- Read about the laws regarding abuse. There is some abuse you will have to just ignore, but there is a growing list of abuses that are illegal. For example, it is illegal for someone to harass you through email and if you are a domestic violence survivor, the VAWA federal act identifies this as a form of terrorism against victims. Learn about all the boundaries in place and use them. Abusers often stop certain forms abuse when they know you will prosecute, sue or hold them accountable.
And remember, you are not crazy, this circumstance is. No one should advise you to build a healthy relationship with your abusive ex if they saw what you saw. But, they do it every day around this land and expect the ridiculous. OJ Simpson was awarded custody of his children after he was accused of killing their mother. Josh Powell killed his two babies on a supervised visitation while is wife was missing and presumed dead by his hand. They are injustices everywhere. As we have all heard before, life is not fair. But, don’t let that stop you from having a good life and having the best life you can have with your children under these difficult circumstances.
FAQs about Domestic Abuse:
Why do victims of domestic abuse tolerate abusers?
Victims of domestic violence can take years to realize the ugly truth about their partners that they rarely change. This is why victims of domestic abuse tolerate their abusers. Besides, the abusers know how to control and manipulate their victims.
What does co-parenting with an abuser mean?
Co-parenting with an abuser means that the abuse victim and the abuser have been bound to interact with each other again. The victim would continue to suffer mental torture during co-parenting because abusers seldom change.
Why do courts insist on co-parenting with abusers?
The insistence of the courts on co-parenting with abusers stems from the concept that the children need both parents for their well being after divorce. Although many state laws dictate taking into consideration domestic abuse while ordering custody arrangements, the courts insist on co-parenting with abusers for the sake of the children.
Do abusers use co-parenting to harm survivors of abuse?
It’s a documented fact that abusers continue to seek control over their victims and abuse them under the garb of co-parenting. Unfortunately, abusers use co-parenting as a tool to reel in their victims.
Is co-parenting with an abuser dangerous?
Co-parenting with an abuser is dangerous for the victim, who has tried to break free from their abuser through divorce. Co-parenting with an abuser can trigger Post Traumatic Stress Disorder in victims as they find themselves shell-shocked over this unholy reunion. Co-parenting with an abuser becomes a nightmare, especially when the abuser has children to be used as pawns against their victims.
Can I lose custody to an abuser?
You can lose custody of your children to your abuser. In many cases, abusers use their victims’ legitimate reaction against them in a family court to show that they are being alienated from children. If they manage to prove that you will not cooperate with your abuser and will not be a good parent, you will likely lose custody to your abuser.
Are there laws against abuse?
There are laws against abuse and you would need to familiarize yourself with them to protect yourself. If survivors of abuse are harassed through emails, the VAWA federal act recognizes it as a form of terrorism against them.
Should I get professional help against abuse while co-parenting?
You should get professional help against abuse while co-parenting but you need to find the right kind of professional. If your psychologist, lawyer or parenting-coordinator doesn’t have sufficient experience with cases of abuse, your situation will not change.
This doesn’t work, at least if your abuser is the mother. Courts, custody evaluators, and gaurdians ad litems do not care if the father is abused, even if the mother is convicted in criminal court of domestic violence. Do not make the mistake of complaining about your abusive wife. Courts do not want to separate children from their mothers.
Dear Anonymous,
I’m sorry for the pain that you have experienced at the hands of abuser. While it is true that 5 percent of domestic violence victims are men, it is a myth supported by the American Bar Association that any abuser regardless of gender will be separated from their children in a custody suit. In fact, most abuser who file a custody case win sole custody. This has more to do with the dynamics of the abuser-victim relationship than with gender. However, a victim is faced with a custody suit by their abuser, it is in the best interest of the child to spend as much time with the protective parent/non-abusive parent than the abuser. Trying to get a judge to recognize that in individual cases is the challenge, but one worth facing. I wish you and your children peace. Thank you for writing.
Currently I am in court with my abusive ex. Well really he’s not my ex, but that didn’t stop him from getting married again. We never got divorced because he just packed a suitcase and walked out of the house on February 13, 2009. Yeah, that’s right, the day before Valentines. I came home and he was gone. I asked the children where he was and they told me he left with a suitcase.
I found a Valentine’s Card in our bedroom saying he loved me and I should think about our relationship. Not knowing where he had gone, who he was with, or when he would be back, I thought about it and changed the locks on the house.
Thus began a 7 year tragedy for the children that is still continuing to this day.
According to National Coalition Against Domestic Violence(ncadv.org) 1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 men have been physically abused by an intimate partner. Not the 1 in 20 men that you claim.
I’m glad I stumbled upon this article, I’ve gone through four years of hell with my ex husband. He was very abusive and it took a lot to walk away from him and start all over. Just as I thought the worst was behind me, he began fighting me for custody of our daughter. He re married and his wife was just as nasty as he was she even blamed the fact he beat me on me! She said I made him act like that towards me because I was crazy!! This infuriated me as it seemed like he was initially winning in court. I was made to be the crazy jealous ex when it was not like that at all. I could not talk about our marriage in court nor could I use the fact I had a restraining order for him breaking in my home and beating me post divorce. He was painted as this great army captain with a crazy ex wife. I felt the legal system had betrayed me. I felt like I was being abused all over again but in a different way. This all ended about two years ago as my ex husband was court martialed and tried in a military court for rape. He is currently in a military prison but that doesn’t stop his wife from harassing me. I recently had to block her contact. I have learned over time to forgive my ex husband. My daughter misses her father and I hope that this sentence changes him. If he ever is released, I hope that he is a changed man and I wouldn’t mind co parenting IF the courts set certain boundaries to protect me and my daughter. I must say that God is real. My ex husband’s lies in court and fallacious statements came back on him and he is now paying for the ugliness he put on me and others. I pray for him and other men and women abusers. May a God have mercy on them and may they learn from their mistakes and be better people for the innocent lives they have created.
Amen.
Thank you for sharing your story. I’m am so sorry that his wife is still harassing you despite your ex incarceration. Your story is an example of why co-parenting with a abuser doesn’t work but why family courts are failing victims and children. Again, thank you for sharing.
Thanks for sharing, it helps a lot
Oh, honey – your ex is not a good man. Don’t feel bad about keeping your daughter away from him — he *beat you and then raped someone else*. Your daughter isn’t going to be safe with him; you never know when the switch will flip and off he’ll go. She can re-establish a relationship with him when she’s older if she wants to, but in the meantime keep that child safe, and find a good therapist to help her understand that her daddy makes very bad choices and is not safe for her to be around, not now and not for a long time. And that this doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with her or that she did anything bad.
I am going through this as well. The abuser always tries to say it was you fault for the abuse, and that you are crazy. You know the truth and that’s all that matters. Keep praying because God hears us.
My daughter just went through mediation and thank God she got primary custody. Her ex coerced her into taking less than what she deserved in assets and she received no alimony. I am very disappointed in her lawyer who knew that her husband was abusive throughout the marriage but I understand why she “settled”. She just wanted to get away from him!
I ask that you write your lawmakers about the “90 day cooling off period” and I pray that all of you who are in an abusive relationship get some counseling, speak to someone you trust and start compiling evidence immediately. Call a domestic violence hotline and trust that they have heard it all and can help you to get the courage to leave! Don’t wait. It will be the best thing you’ll ever do for yourself and your children! God bless you!
Your story! You really need to consider counseling/mental evaluation for yourself in order to get past this.
I guess because this is on divorcedmoms.com it is to be expected that the article assumes the father as the abuser but trust me that are plenty of relationships where it is the other way around. There are psychotic people of both genders. I know personally how bad that can be.
Dear Michael,
You are correct. Abuse is never OK, no matter the gender and women can be and are a percentage of abusers. Gender does play a role in domestic abuse, but not by assigning abuser to men and victim to women. The role it plays is much more complicated and deeper. An issue that one day will be the subject of another article. But, sadly, there is no shortage of people of both genders willing to exploit their loved ones at great cost to those who they victimize. Accountability and consequences is the only solution to put an end to this devastating behavior. Thank you for posting and I wish you blessings.
Thank you for sharing your story. I am going through a similar situation as well. It is so painful to the children because of the abuse they endure from their father. I feel so helpless. Yet, he is still allowed unsupervised visitation. Thank you for helping me understand that I am not alone in this neverending cycle of abuse.
Dear Overit,
I am glad that my blog gave you a second of peace. Sadly, many of us have faced this. I will share with you that as my children have reached 18, the cycle changes and lessens towards you. Sadly, your children will always have to deal with the scars of an abuser as a parent. It isn’t easy, but it does get better and there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Hang in there.
Blessings,
Julie
Uhgg. Me and your fiance could be the same person. This is my life. My ex husband does the same thing with the clothes, child support, and the poisoning of these kids minds. The stuff he does is so crazy that I feel crazy even telling people he does this. These are the kinds of things you can believe unless it happens to you. Don’t give up hope, one day they will get whats coming to them.
my fiancé has an ex partner (with whom she has two young children) who is a sociopath a narcissist and a psychopath rolled into one.she left because of both physical and mental abuse (the mental abuse was actually the most damaging ).he never cared or supported the children until now (parenting court order).he wanted the children dna tested to prove they were his,of course they were,and now “he loves them”.he won’t take them to school,he won’t buy clothes for them (they always come back in clothes they’ve outgrown a long time ago!) but even now it’s still pretty pathetic what he contributes.i think about $25 per child per week.he has 50%custody thanks to the Australian family court system. He continues to poison the children’s minds when they are in his care ,he is trying to destroy my partner through the children.they are afraid to speak about how they spend their time within his care .he is beginning to send her manipulative and controlling and even threatening text messages again.the law is non existent,support is non existent ,running out of choices here ,but one thing for sure ,it must stop.there is a lot more to this than what I can fit here but this seems to be an out of control epidemic ,thanks to complete ignorance of the judicial system.i believe they don’t see how they can make tons of money out of it so they don’t care to treat these matters with respect and diligence .its only people’s and especially children’s lives after all.the future generation.nothing important it seems.
Uhgg. Me and your fiance could be the same person. This is my life. My ex husband does the same thing with the clothes, child support, and the poisoning of these kids minds. The stuff he does is so crazy that I feel crazy even telling people he does this. These are the kinds of things you can believe unless it happens to you. Don’t give up hope, one day they will get whats coming to them.
I have been through emotional,mental and some physical abuse by my husband of 9yrs. I have told close friends about the abuse. I stayed, he has cheated and left me for another woman and I let him come back. This time I kicked him out. I found love letters and we fought. He has always told me if I was to leave that I already know what would happen to me. Well the kids got out of school and he sped off to take them from me, I got in my and followed him so I could get there faster and he slammed the brakes and made me crash. One of my kids were in the backseat. He left us there and told me I would pay for what I just did. My friend got the kids and called the police. They didn’t do anything. They found him a block away from the school. Im fleeing the state. Any advice?
I am so happy that I found this resource! My current fiance doesn’t understand why I denied child support from my ex. It’s about power and it giving him a reason to keep control over me! You can’t give these men any kind of access…they will use it to keep hurting you. I don’t want him to contact me, or even see our daughter. But she still visits the rest of his family and they are so worried about me taking her away that they make him “be nice” so that they can remain in her life. He is a sick man…I just want him out of our lives.
How did you manage to keep him away? I so wish I could get rid of mine. My daughters have reported sexual abuse and physical abuse(with marks) to me, the nanny, the doctor, the police and child protection services and the system did absolutely nothing but turned this against me because I withheld visits. The system believed him over my daughters. This is really crazy land. What is wrong with the system? This is 2017.
It is really disheartening that moms are not protected by the very judges we vote for. To all you co-parents out there i am truly sorry for what you live with every day. God Bless you all.
My sory is a bit different…I was married for 11 years no children between us…..it took 3 years of battleing in the court before the divorce was final. We had a trial in April 2016, the Judge made his ruling in June 2016, I had to force him back into court 2 time and finally the divorce was signed in Sept. 2016 Now 2 months later he’s dragging me back into court for the most rediculious reasons. Anyway here is my abusers actions, he is still attempting to control me by using the court system, waisting my money (he is order to pay support) by running up my attorney fees and thus causing me panic attack, sleepless nights, anxiety that I can hardly discribe.
Well i am fed up its time to file crimminal charges against his, for abuse, harassment, PTDS, and financial abuse. I will make every attempt to have him oderd to attorney fees, damages, pain and suffering and ask the Judge to fine him the max in my state of $10,000.00.
Ladies, woman, moms, the laws are on our side to prevent abuse.
I just want to thank you for your words of wisdom. I’ve been struggling with visitation times with my children and abuser for almost 2 years now. I feel hopeless at times. My heart hurts when my children are away. I’m always worried for them. It’s comforting too read your post and see others out there with the same struggle. I do believe the divorce courts are flawed in pushing for co-parenting and allowing abusers the rights to visitation . I think they hurt a lot of survivors and theyre children by forcing them into a set situation/ circumstance where they are once again vulnerable to abuse. It’s disheartening to be bound by the court to allow it to happen over and over again. I’m just so thankful I read your post and that I’m not crazy for feeling this way…..bamboozled by the system….angry because I want to be brave and fight for my kids and show them and my abuser I won’t take things lying down….but silenced by the obligation to the court order….I feel like I’m showing my children I can’t protect them there. It’s scary. But like you had said knowledge is power. I feel both empowered and enlightened from reading this article. I’m willing to try what I’ve learned from this to help me get through this. All excellent suggestions and ideas plus I’ve got nothing more to lose in trying.
I have been in a visitation battle with my abusive ex-husband for a year and a half (after he disappeared for two years). The parental coordinator expects our three (12, 11 and 9) kids to be thrilled to spend time with my ex despite the estrangement and their understandable dear of him (verbal abuse, history of mental illness, choking my 2nd husband in their presence, threatening kids at their daycare). The parental coordinator says I am sabotaging the reunification . I have a new attorney and therapist who I hope will help get things turned around before we have to start overnight visits. My kids are terrified. I don’t have unlimited sources of fundo with a house of seven and only one income. I can’t use Legal Aid because my ex tried to retain them at one point during the divorce. Are there any organizations that help fund families going through this nightmare? I honestly feel like my ex and the coordinator are doing the best to make me feel like the crazy parent instead of the parent protecting the kids.
You may consider reaching out to your local domestic violence organization? They often have legal advocates or other professionals willing to help.
what is considered harassment in email?
This is all good and we’ll for the female readers, but us guys going through it: nobody believes you. And finally you reach the point that the only way out of the hell of emotional abuse is to take your own life. Then the courts,take all visitation with your child away and still thinks you crazy and denies the existence of abuse
Matt, I’m sorry. I’ve gone through the same kind of thing. Unfortunately, whether you’re a man or a woman, the law doesn’t care about emotional abuse. I hope you’re able to get the help you need for yourself and for your kids.
Great article – thanks. Point 1 is a hard one though. Often when abuse if physical/emaotional people don’t want to hear our story and many blame you, My sister often gose out of her way to tell me how lovely my ex is and that i should stop being a victim. 8 years post divorce and I am STILL in his webthanks to coparenting and the source of his narcassistic supply. I am doing my best – but it is exhausing!!!!
This is a great article, but I need to echo Matt. 7 years ago my emotionally abusive marriage ended. As my children has grown, my ex wife now uses them as tools to continue to abuse me. I have an excellent therapist and find myself fearful of engaging the courts or seeking any sort of relief from my situation because of the tone of articles like this one. In modern society where we are fighting for equal rights among the genders, women must affirm the fact that abuse can come equally from both sides of the parenting equation. We must realize that there are many single fathers in the world suffering at the hands of the mothers of their children. And we must look at this problem not as one of genders, but the direction our society has taken and the growth in both personality disorders and their traits that lead to this type of abuse.
I’m sorry for what you’ve gone through, and yes, women can be abusive and damaging. However, the problem of violence against women is not equal. It comes from a place of patriarchal ownership of family, and at it’s heart is a sense of entitlement and control. Being a woman in an abusive relationship is very different than being a man in one – not to say that one is any better or worse than the other, but that the dynamics are magnified when there is ALSO a patriarchal system holding male privilege in place,a nd feeding male entitlement.
Interesting that this article insinuates that the father is the abuser. I am a woman and have dealt with divorce and custody proceedings of other people, and I can tell you with certainty that women abuse men just as much if not more. I know of a woman who calls CPS every time she gets up on the wrong foot, and her ex husband is the one who even has legal custody of children. She swears at him and threatens him with police constantly in emails, yet he can’t protect himself even though she doesn’t even have grounds to report him. He is expected to endure because she is the mother and is “just being emotional about her children”. As a woman I can tell you that women can be far more cunning and mentally abusive than men.
While it is true that any person can engage in abusive behavior and that men can also be victimized, it is also true that our culture is patriarchal, and is set up to support men’s rights and perspectives over women’s. Men overwhelmingly hold positions of power and often act to support abusive behavior, which encourages an attitude of entitlement among men, more than women. It’s this environment that support male abuse and violence. Your point is lost to me, as the specific case you cite smacks of a woman who had her children taken from her by her partner. As a woman who is required by the court to share custody with my daughter’s father, who has a history of kidnapping and holding our daughter hostage to get his way, and also being investigated for child sexual abuse, I can tell you it totally sucks to send my daughter off to spend half her life with a person who uses her distress to get his way. There is no way I’m comfortable with this situation – no caring parent would be. However, it’s what we have, and I wake up most nights feeling panic at my powerlessness to protect my child from her own father. I don’t get CPS involved, but only because I know they wouldn’t help the situation. I’m quite certain my daughter deals with psychological and emotional abuse, and it’s very damaging.
After 9+ years of all this, I can say with certainty the most important thing for me was/is #6. It may seem the most obvious but for me, it has been the most difficult. While I am completely indifferent to my daughter’s father, she is my heart and my life. Realizing that I am absolutely helpless to make the craziness easier for her while she is in his care has been heartbreaking. It has been a huge challenge to realize that he is what he is and will never change. He could charm the devil into believing he’s just an “awe shucks, down on his luck, good guy who’s battling a crazy ex just for the right to be a part of his daughter’s life.” If only! LOL! Anyway, there is a silver lining. By being a strong, resilient parent and demonstrating you won’t let his words harm you and (as I tell my daughter when she cries as he yells at me in front of her) “I’m a duck and he’s the water – ducks don’t get wet.” I know she’s learning valuable lessons. I don’t have to explain them, she’s living them because a family court system that doesn’t understand or doesn’t care has forced her into this bifurcated sanity/insanity world at such a young age. I know she will grow up strong. From adversity rises greatness. Is it unfair? Absolutely! But she may just rule the world someday! Cheers to all the struggling parents – male and female! When you’re with your narc and they are being abusive, be the duck – roll the window up, turn away and smile at your child – because they are the one that matters, not you. And demonstrate all the best things to your children when they are with you. They will be ok. We HAVE to believe that! ((Hugs))
Wow! i so admire you and your attitude. I so want to emulate what you’re doing. I’ve been horribly let down by social services, the police, the courts and even a psychologist. It’s as though the idea that someone could use the contact process as a form of abuse is something they’ve never considered. It’s as though none of them have ever come across a narcissist, despite their profession and so-called training. It’s not living. I’m just surviving for the sake of my daughter. I just can’t understand how this is happening to us….. Thank you for your inspiration xx
reading this article and comments make me feel like the”lucky one.” Abuse is not designated to gender. So rest assured that no one is gender bashing here. Comments more from females because maybe that is how we are programmed. I found this wonderful article under different circumstances. My abusive ex had no interest in the children. For years they waited for his arrival and he never showed. He has lived with a women for 6 years who lost her kids in a custody battle due her mental impairments and promiscus behavior. Now my just turned 18 year old has been under discipline she never liked and started to communicate with him. Five years into a divorce, 51k paid to date because the doctor swore to bankrupt me, and told his family his goal is to have me homeless and pay the attorneys five years because the attorneys have never seen anything like him, and she contacts him to tell him she thinks I am crazy. We live in affluent suburbs where “everyone smokes pot and drinks”. When I came down with a heavy hand I became the bad guy and she reached out to the narcisist who never cared for her. That has ignited my PTSD. So dealing with her has been Difficult. He has been fired from multiple hospitals for “unprofessional conduct” arrested for violence. Still has a license to practice. His family very supportive of me. My dear father left money for their college. The “doctor” asked my younger daughter to work at McDinalds and live at home and he will take her college money and invest it so she will have millions when she retires. He put my house in foreclosure never paid support and I have been the bread winner and mom that does it all. Only we can’t do it all. Something must give. I will seek therapy.so needed but having a teenager reach out to my abuser has put me over the edge. Sadly, he only takes her calls to get to me. She is clueless. He is a monster. Believe me, I wish none of it was true.
I’m so sorry for what you are going through. I fear the same thing when my little one grows up. My ex is so manipulative. None of the professionals seem able to see through the lies and charm. My little girl asks me how old she needs to be to be believed. And she says she doesn’t want to tell people what he does and says to her because ‘daddy will only say it didn’t happen’. I’ve now paid over £50k in legal fees trying to protect my little girl, to no avail. Yet he pays not a single penny in maintenance, lives in a very affluent area and went on two holidays last year. I just can’t seem to get my head around the idea that this is what our justice system thinks is fair….. Big hugs to you. I really hope that your daughter has seen through his lies now x
This is a great article, and I appreciate the realness of the advice. Coming to terms with what’s possible when that involves putting your children at risk os abuse is very, very tough. Readng through the comments I see the usual ones about how women can be abusive, too, and I find these frustating because they are missing the point. Anyone who has dealt with an abusive partner knows that the abuser can quite convincingly present themselves as the victim. Often this is deliberate and highly manipulative, but I also think some of them truly believe they are the victim (meaning I think they are delusional, but soncere). However, real victims feel a sense of fear and intimidation that an abuser doesn’t. Power dynamics are different than mental illness, and they are difficult for the untrained observer to sort out. Far too many times, victims are not protected because decision-makers rely on stereotypes and this makes them vulnerable to the manipulations of abusers. However, if the aim is to protect children, I think we need to make our goal the clear assessment of power dynamics in a relationship. We can’t rely on sterotypical thinking to do the work for us – we need to develop an understanding of how abusive conflcits present in cusody situations, and insist on our right to work with professionals who know what domestc abuse is, and how it affects everyone. Only then will we get the help and support we need from the legal system to protect our children from abuse.
I have identified with so much of what has been shared. It is three years now since splitting up and we are divorced. But I still feel engulfed in the emotional abuse with regards to him making arrangements to see his children. The information has helped me to identify areas to work on and pointed me to other resources. So thank you. It is hard to accept that you have been abused by someone you loved. And it is hard to stay sane. But my children give me strength and purpose.
How do I prevent the court from giving my abusive ex unsupervised visits? He has also been abusive to our daughter (who is now 3) when she was just a few months old.
I believe in such case the DCF needs to be involved.
Spelling :. Lose vs. Loose.
Great article. Ty.
There are plenty of women out there who are the abusers and narcissists, not just men. I’m watching a friend go through this very situation right now; he is an excellent father and the ex-wife is the abuser. The kids are paying the price. 🙁 It would level the field on this blog to provide stories of both women and men and their styles of abuse. Regardless, nice blog, very helpful.
scrumrunner, if we wanted to show both views…men and women, we would haven’t named the website DIVORCED MOMS. I don’t go to AskMen.com and expect to find my perspective represented on their website. Yes, we have a nice website, one set up to support WOMEN AND MOMS. I can’t understand, for the life of me, so many men complain about us not also publishing content for them!
How do we break this broken system? We are not allowed to talk about the abuse, publicize it, because doing so comes around as evidence when the abuser has mutual friends and stalks us and records us, just to bring up the batshit debunked theory of parental alienation and say we’re hurting his appearances. Even with evidence, the court ignored the abuse because the entitled angry white shit head has a penis and therefore gets pampered. It is angering. I’m angry for my child. The justice system is not bringing justice. We must protest as fucked over mothers and form a movement to stop this insanity. Our children, our economy, and our futures as women in America are suffering. I didn’t have horrible sex with my selfish entitled ex husband and have my body ruined and grow a human inside me for nine months just to lose it to the same person and his abusive enmeshed family that blamed me for everything wrong in his life and act like he can do no wrong. I don’t know how to protect her from him when speaking out against my abuser is misinterpreted by the courts as hostile but I’m sure as f-ck sick of this mindset they maintain.
With all due respect, it’s impossible to “be a duck” when you’re being physically attacked. This reply is many years late, but needs to be repeated over and over and over. So much of the advice for victims of abuse disregards the worst kind of abuse!