A couple months ago, when I started blogging here, I was looking forward to giving my take on the divorce experience — living in a place I hate, in the shadow of a man I fear. You know: all that good stuff. I planned to alternate stories from my generally uneventful, but sometimes instructive life with a more objective look at what it is like to be divorced in the United States today.
I’m still going to do those things.
However, I have been finding it hard to emerge from the safe shelter of my private blog, where the participants have known each other for years.
I feel shy in this bigger pool of women who got divorced because they felt like it and who have no trouble standing up for themselves, putting on bathing suits, and looking their ex-husbands in the eye. When I read their socially-acceptable stories, I find myself face to face with the most horrible thing of all.
The shame.
I don’t feel positive. I feel duped and trapped. My life has been ruined, and not just by the divorce that keeps me living in this town, tethered to Duane with a rope just long enough to hang myself.
It has been ruined by my failure to recognize that my marriage was based on a foundation of lies. I believed, instead, that my life was unraveling because I was weak and incompetent.
- I didn’t have a job outside the home.
- I didn’t have the will to change the things about my life that needed to be changed.
- I couldn’t appreciate the good things I had.
There are abusive men who say to their wives, “You can’t work.” There are abusive men who shout and strike their wives in anger.
None of that happened to me. My ex came home every night and sat on the sofa, silently eyeing his laptop, blaming me for wasting his time whenever I tried to talk to him, cringing when I hugged him. He said he loved me, but I felt his contempt and came to the conclusion that I must deserve it. After all:
- I didn’t have a job outside the home.
- I didn’t have the will to change the things about my life that needed to be changed.
- I couldn’t appreciate the good things I had.
It wasn’t about me. I know that now. Even though I brought plenty of bad behavior to the marriage, my behavior made no inroads on Duane’s personality.
How did I fail to see that?
All my attempts to love him, all my attempts to please him, all the nagging and hectoring and hysteria I threw in his general direction when I knew something was wrong but couldn’t think of what to do — throughout all my behavior, good and bad, Duane was encased in his own impenetrable resolve. He did what he wanted. He negotiated with no one.
Duane used to say to me, “I ruined your life.” He said it as a rebuke. He knew from experience that if he said this I would recoil in horror, feeling ungrateful and unfair.
It never occurred to me that he might also have meant it. I never realized that he had no intention of moving away from Texas, even though that was the one agreement we had made in the whole time we were married, the one thing I was hanging on to for dear life.
I miss the whisper of snow falling in the night.
I miss the crocus blooming on the lawn.
I miss the ice forming blackly against felled trees in a still pool by the river.
I miss the smell of the ocean.
I miss the way gulls rise, like kites, and the red light behind my eyes, and the give of sand beneath my towel.
Bear with me.
I’m in the process of updating my site, and putting out some more regular posts, but before I did I had to send that little wisp out there like a thief in the night.
I don’t know if anyone else feels like they are in exile. The next post I write will be on the subject of geographical restriction as a legal construct, but what I’m talking about here is emotional.
Does divorce feel like a prison sentence? Even though your kids are young, and you love them, and this is the one time they get to be three or seven or twelve, are you making chalk marks on a mental cell wall in your mind, just waiting until you can get the hell out of Dodge?
If you feel that way, drop me a line. I’d like to hear from you.
Have you read this blog? https://divorcedmoms.com/blogs/the-perils-of-divorced-pauline/
It seems you have a lot in common with her. I can’t imagine what you are going through. You’re not alone though.
Have you read this blog? https://divorcedmoms.com/blogs/the-perils-of-divorced-pauline/
It seems you have a lot in common with her. I can’t imagine what you are going through. You’re not alone though.
Pauline’s blog is what led me to this site. Our situations are different, but our exes have similar psychological profiles.
Sorry, I read this and felt sorry that you are in such a bad place, but also, surprised by your comment, ‘this bigger pool of women who got divorced because they felt like it and who have no trouble standing up for themselves’. I don’t know that any of us got divorced casually, because we felt like it, like we feel like shopping for shoes (which of course we don’t because most of us don’t have the money to do such things). I personally didn’t leave him, I feel he left me because he refused to work on our marriage when he knew I was unhappy. He said in therapy, “I guess I don’t love her enough to work on it.” Ouch. So, I’ve been where you are. I have been separated for over 3 years and divorced now for over 2. I have a terrible time standing up for myself with him and make myself a doormat to keep the peace for the kids. The thought of a bathing suit paralyzes me with fear. I think most of us are in a fragile place, so I do hope you will find some peace and post. I do work but I know several women that don’t that are looking for blogs to follow of women that were SAHM because they are scared to death of what will happen to them without an established career. Yes, I feel shame everyday. I hope it gets easier and one day I won’t care or feel guilty about my divorce. Take care.
“Because they felt like it” was a poor choice of words. Sorry about that. No one sets out to have a failed marriage. (I was being tongue-in-cheek about the bathing suit.)
However, the fact remains that there are a number of women who were working when they divorced, don’t have kids, had a support community in place, LEFT an abusive spouse, feel like dating, are dating — the list goes on.
I follow your blog. I think what you are doing is admirable, and I get that it’s not easy. But it’s telling that your pain comes out more in this post than on your blog, and that’s part of the problem — we are so conditioned to hide our pain and be superwomen. I’m trying to be honest about my negative feelings and the loss and even, yes, the victimization.
Thanks so much for writing. Your post meant a lot to me.
“Because they felt like it” was a poor choice of words. Sorry about that. No one sets out to have a failed marriage. (I was being tongue-in-cheek about the bathing suit.)
However, the fact remains that there are a number of women who were working when they divorced, don’t have kids, had a support community in place, LEFT an abusive spouse, feel like dating, are dating — the list goes on.
I follow your blog. I think what you are doing is admirable, and I get that it’s not easy. But it’s telling that your pain comes out more in this post than on your blog, and that’s part of the problem — we are so conditioned to hide our pain and be superwomen. I’m trying to be honest about my negative feelings and the loss and even, yes, the victimization.
Thanks so much for writing. Your post meant a lot to me.
“Because they felt like it” was a poor choice of words. Sorry about that. No one sets out to have a failed marriage. (I was being tongue-in-cheek about the bathing suit.)
However, the fact remains that there are a number of women who were working when they divorced, don’t have kids, had a support community in place, LEFT an abusive spouse, feel like dating, are dating — the list goes on.
I follow your blog. I think what you are doing is admirable, and I get that it’s not easy. But it’s telling that your pain comes out more in this post than on your blog, and that’s part of the problem — we are so conditioned to hide our pain and be superwomen. I’m trying to be honest about my negative feelings and the loss and even, yes, the victimization.
Thanks so much for writing. Your post meant a lot to me.
I get it, I’m sorry if I reacted badly. You see, I feel shame because I got a divorce when he wasn’t unfaithful or mentally ill (Yours is mentally ill, OMG, I went back and read, how horrible what you have been through.) I feel shame that he didn’t love me enough to work on my marriage. I feel like a failure that he didn’t care enough to try. I have been blogging since 2/12 and there is a ton of pain there. I still feel it and share it sometimes, like with the emotions that you brought out with your post, but to a large degree I am plain old mad at him now. He had it good with me, you know? I did everything in my power to make him happy and he still didn’t care if I was happy or not. I think this is our safe place to put these feelings out and find support from each other. I do have a boyfriend now, but to be honest, if I didn’t know him already and he hadn’t pursued me there is no way I would have been dating at this point. Anyway, take care, we are doing great.
I get it, I’m sorry if I reacted badly. You see, I feel shame because I got a divorce when he wasn’t unfaithful or mentally ill (Yours is mentally ill, OMG, I went back and read, how horrible what you have been through.) I feel shame that he didn’t love me enough to work on my marriage. I feel like a failure that he didn’t care enough to try. I have been blogging since 2/12 and there is a ton of pain there. I still feel it and share it sometimes, like with the emotions that you brought out with your post, but to a large degree I am plain old mad at him now. He had it good with me, you know? I did everything in my power to make him happy and he still didn’t care if I was happy or not. I think this is our safe place to put these feelings out and find support from each other. I do have a boyfriend now, but to be honest, if I didn’t know him already and he hadn’t pursued me there is no way I would have been dating at this point. Anyway, take care, we are doing great.
I get it, I’m sorry if I reacted badly. You see, I feel shame because I got a divorce when he wasn’t unfaithful or mentally ill (Yours is mentally ill, OMG, I went back and read, how horrible what you have been through.) I feel shame that he didn’t love me enough to work on my marriage. I feel like a failure that he didn’t care enough to try. I have been blogging since 2/12 and there is a ton of pain there. I still feel it and share it sometimes, like with the emotions that you brought out with your post, but to a large degree I am plain old mad at him now. He had it good with me, you know? I did everything in my power to make him happy and he still didn’t care if I was happy or not. I think this is our safe place to put these feelings out and find support from each other. I do have a boyfriend now, but to be honest, if I didn’t know him already and he hadn’t pursued me there is no way I would have been dating at this point. Anyway, take care, we are doing great.
I get it, I’m sorry if I reacted badly. You see, I feel shame because I got a divorce when he wasn’t unfaithful or mentally ill (Yours is mentally ill, OMG, I went back and read, how horrible what you have been through.) I feel shame that he didn’t love me enough to work on my marriage. I feel like a failure that he didn’t care enough to try. I have been blogging since 2/12 and there is a ton of pain there. I still feel it and share it sometimes, like with the emotions that you brought out with your post, but to a large degree I am plain old mad at him now. He had it good with me, you know? I did everything in my power to make him happy and he still didn’t care if I was happy or not. I think this is our safe place to put these feelings out and find support from each other. I do have a boyfriend now, but to be honest, if I didn’t know him already and he hadn’t pursued me there is no way I would have been dating at this point. Anyway, take care, we are doing great.
I get it, I’m sorry if I reacted badly. You see, I feel shame because I got a divorce when he wasn’t unfaithful or mentally ill (Yours is mentally ill, OMG, I went back and read, how horrible what you have been through.) I feel shame that he didn’t love me enough to work on my marriage. I feel like a failure that he didn’t care enough to try. I have been blogging since 2/12 and there is a ton of pain there. I still feel it and share it sometimes, like with the emotions that you brought out with your post, but to a large degree I am plain old mad at him now. He had it good with me, you know? I did everything in my power to make him happy and he still didn’t care if I was happy or not. I think this is our safe place to put these feelings out and find support from each other. I do have a boyfriend now, but to be honest, if I didn’t know him already and he hadn’t pursued me there is no way I would have been dating at this point. Anyway, take care, we are doing great.
I get it, I’m sorry if I reacted badly. You see, I feel shame because I got a divorce when he wasn’t unfaithful or mentally ill (Yours is mentally ill, OMG, I went back and read, how horrible what you have been through.) I feel shame that he didn’t love me enough to work on my marriage. I feel like a failure that he didn’t care enough to try. I have been blogging since 2/12 and there is a ton of pain there. I still feel it and share it sometimes, like with the emotions that you brought out with your post, but to a large degree I am plain old mad at him now. He had it good with me, you know? I did everything in my power to make him happy and he still didn’t care if I was happy or not. I think this is our safe place to put these feelings out and find support from each other. I do have a boyfriend now, but to be honest, if I didn’t know him already and he hadn’t pursued me there is no way I would have been dating at this point. Anyway, take care, we are doing great.
I get it, I’m sorry if I reacted badly. You see, I feel shame because I got a divorce when he wasn’t unfaithful or mentally ill (Yours is mentally ill, OMG, I went back and read, how horrible what you have been through.) I feel shame that he didn’t love me enough to work on my marriage. I feel like a failure that he didn’t care enough to try. I have been blogging since 2/12 and there is a ton of pain there. I still feel it and share it sometimes, like with the emotions that you brought out with your post, but to a large degree I am plain old mad at him now. He had it good with me, you know? I did everything in my power to make him happy and he still didn’t care if I was happy or not. I think this is our safe place to put these feelings out and find support from each other. I do have a boyfriend now, but to be honest, if I didn’t know him already and he hadn’t pursued me there is no way I would have been dating at this point. Anyway, take care, we are doing great.
I get it, I’m sorry if I reacted badly. You see, I feel shame because I got a divorce when he wasn’t unfaithful or mentally ill (Yours is mentally ill, OMG, I went back and read, how horrible what you have been through.) I feel shame that he didn’t love me enough to work on my marriage. I feel like a failure that he didn’t care enough to try. I have been blogging since 2/12 and there is a ton of pain there. I still feel it and share it sometimes, like with the emotions that you brought out with your post, but to a large degree I am plain old mad at him now. He had it good with me, you know? I did everything in my power to make him happy and he still didn’t care if I was happy or not. I think this is our safe place to put these feelings out and find support from each other. I do have a boyfriend now, but to be honest, if I didn’t know him already and he hadn’t pursued me there is no way I would have been dating at this point. Anyway, take care, we are doing great.
I get it, I’m sorry if I reacted badly. You see, I feel shame because I got a divorce when he wasn’t unfaithful or mentally ill (Yours is mentally ill, OMG, I went back and read, how horrible what you have been through.) I feel shame that he didn’t love me enough to work on my marriage. I feel like a failure that he didn’t care enough to try. I have been blogging since 2/12 and there is a ton of pain there. I still feel it and share it sometimes, like with the emotions that you brought out with your post, but to a large degree I am plain old mad at him now. He had it good with me, you know? I did everything in my power to make him happy and he still didn’t care if I was happy or not. I think this is our safe place to put these feelings out and find support from each other. I do have a boyfriend now, but to be honest, if I didn’t know him already and he hadn’t pursued me there is no way I would have been dating at this point. Anyway, take care, we are doing great.
I get it, I’m sorry if I reacted badly. You see, I feel shame because I got a divorce when he wasn’t unfaithful or mentally ill (Yours is mentally ill, OMG, I went back and read, how horrible what you have been through.) I feel shame that he didn’t love me enough to work on my marriage. I feel like a failure that he didn’t care enough to try. I have been blogging since 2/12 and there is a ton of pain there. I still feel it and share it sometimes, like with the emotions that you brought out with your post, but to a large degree I am plain old mad at him now. He had it good with me, you know? I did everything in my power to make him happy and he still didn’t care if I was happy or not. I think this is our safe place to put these feelings out and find support from each other. I do have a boyfriend now, but to be honest, if I didn’t know him already and he hadn’t pursued me there is no way I would have been dating at this point. Anyway, take care, we are doing great.
I get it, I’m sorry if I reacted badly. You see, I feel shame because I got a divorce when he wasn’t unfaithful or mentally ill (Yours is mentally ill, OMG, I went back and read, how horrible what you have been through.) I feel shame that he didn’t love me enough to work on my marriage. I feel like a failure that he didn’t care enough to try. I have been blogging since 2/12 and there is a ton of pain there. I still feel it and share it sometimes, like with the emotions that you brought out with your post, but to a large degree I am plain old mad at him now. He had it good with me, you know? I did everything in my power to make him happy and he still didn’t care if I was happy or not. I think this is our safe place to put these feelings out and find support from each other. I do have a boyfriend now, but to be honest, if I didn’t know him already and he hadn’t pursued me there is no way I would have been dating at this point. Anyway, take care, we are doing great.
I get it, I’m sorry if I reacted badly. You see, I feel shame because I got a divorce when he wasn’t unfaithful or mentally ill (Yours is mentally ill, OMG, I went back and read, how horrible what you have been through.) I feel shame that he didn’t love me enough to work on my marriage. I feel like a failure that he didn’t care enough to try. I have been blogging since 2/12 and there is a ton of pain there. I still feel it and share it sometimes, like with the emotions that you brought out with your post, but to a large degree I am plain old mad at him now. He had it good with me, you know? I did everything in my power to make him happy and he still didn’t care if I was happy or not. I think this is our safe place to put these feelings out and find support from each other. I do have a boyfriend now, but to be honest, if I didn’t know him already and he hadn’t pursued me there is no way I would have been dating at this point. Anyway, take care, we are doing great.
I get it, I’m sorry if I reacted badly. You see, I feel shame because I got a divorce when he wasn’t unfaithful or mentally ill (Yours is mentally ill, OMG, I went back and read, how horrible what you have been through.) I feel shame that he didn’t love me enough to work on my marriage. I feel like a failure that he didn’t care enough to try. I have been blogging since 2/12 and there is a ton of pain there. I still feel it and share it sometimes, like with the emotions that you brought out with your post, but to a large degree I am plain old mad at him now. He had it good with me, you know? I did everything in my power to make him happy and he still didn’t care if I was happy or not. I think this is our safe place to put these feelings out and find support from each other. I do have a boyfriend now, but to be honest, if I didn’t know him already and he hadn’t pursued me there is no way I would have been dating at this point. Anyway, take care, we are doing great.
I get it, I’m sorry if I reacted badly. You see, I feel shame because I got a divorce when he wasn’t unfaithful or mentally ill (Yours is mentally ill, OMG, I went back and read, how horrible what you have been through.) I feel shame that he didn’t love me enough to work on my marriage. I feel like a failure that he didn’t care enough to try. I have been blogging since 2/12 and there is a ton of pain there. I still feel it and share it sometimes, like with the emotions that you brought out with your post, but to a large degree I am plain old mad at him now. He had it good with me, you know? I did everything in my power to make him happy and he still didn’t care if I was happy or not. I think this is our safe place to put these feelings out and find support from each other. I do have a boyfriend now, but to be honest, if I didn’t know him already and he hadn’t pursued me there is no way I would have been dating at this point. Anyway, take care, we are doing great.
I get it, I’m sorry if I reacted badly. You see, I feel shame because I got a divorce when he wasn’t unfaithful or mentally ill (Yours is mentally ill, OMG, I went back and read, how horrible what you have been through.) I feel shame that he didn’t love me enough to work on my marriage. I feel like a failure that he didn’t care enough to try. I have been blogging since 2/12 and there is a ton of pain there. I still feel it and share it sometimes, like with the emotions that you brought out with your post, but to a large degree I am plain old mad at him now. He had it good with me, you know? I did everything in my power to make him happy and he still didn’t care if I was happy or not. I think this is our safe place to put these feelings out and find support from each other. I do have a boyfriend now, but to be honest, if I didn’t know him already and he hadn’t pursued me there is no way I would have been dating at this point. Anyway, take care, we are doing great.
I get it, I’m sorry if I reacted badly. You see, I feel shame because I got a divorce when he wasn’t unfaithful or mentally ill (Yours is mentally ill, OMG, I went back and read, how horrible what you have been through.) I feel shame that he didn’t love me enough to work on my marriage. I feel like a failure that he didn’t care enough to try. I have been blogging since 2/12 and there is a ton of pain there. I still feel it and share it sometimes, like with the emotions that you brought out with your post, but to a large degree I am plain old mad at him now. He had it good with me, you know? I did everything in my power to make him happy and he still didn’t care if I was happy or not. I think this is our safe place to put these feelings out and find support from each other. I do have a boyfriend now, but to be honest, if I didn’t know him already and he hadn’t pursued me there is no way I would have been dating at this point. Anyway, take care, we are doing great.
I get it, I’m sorry if I reacted badly. You see, I feel shame because I got a divorce when he wasn’t unfaithful or mentally ill (Yours is mentally ill, OMG, I went back and read, how horrible what you have been through.) I feel shame that he didn’t love me enough to work on my marriage. I feel like a failure that he didn’t care enough to try. I have been blogging since 2/12 and there is a ton of pain there. I still feel it and share it sometimes, like with the emotions that you brought out with your post, but to a large degree I am plain old mad at him now. He had it good with me, you know? I did everything in my power to make him happy and he still didn’t care if I was happy or not. I think this is our safe place to put these feelings out and find support from each other. I do have a boyfriend now, but to be honest, if I didn’t know him already and he hadn’t pursued me there is no way I would have been dating at this point. Anyway, take care, we are doing great.
I get it, I’m sorry if I reacted badly. You see, I feel shame because I got a divorce when he wasn’t unfaithful or mentally ill (Yours is mentally ill, OMG, I went back and read, how horrible what you have been through.) I feel shame that he didn’t love me enough to work on my marriage. I feel like a failure that he didn’t care enough to try. I have been blogging since 2/12 and there is a ton of pain there. I still feel it and share it sometimes, like with the emotions that you brought out with your post, but to a large degree I am plain old mad at him now. He had it good with me, you know? I did everything in my power to make him happy and he still didn’t care if I was happy or not. I think this is our safe place to put these feelings out and find support from each other. I do have a boyfriend now, but to be honest, if I didn’t know him already and he hadn’t pursued me there is no way I would have been dating at this point. Anyway, take care, we are doing great.
I get it, I’m sorry if I reacted badly. You see, I feel shame because I got a divorce when he wasn’t unfaithful or mentally ill (Yours is mentally ill, OMG, I went back and read, how horrible what you have been through.) I feel shame that he didn’t love me enough to work on my marriage. I feel like a failure that he didn’t care enough to try. I have been blogging since 2/12 and there is a ton of pain there. I still feel it and share it sometimes, like with the emotions that you brought out with your post, but to a large degree I am plain old mad at him now. He had it good with me, you know? I did everything in my power to make him happy and he still didn’t care if I was happy or not. I think this is our safe place to put these feelings out and find support from each other. I do have a boyfriend now, but to be honest, if I didn’t know him already and he hadn’t pursued me there is no way I would have been dating at this point. Anyway, take care, we are doing great.
I get it, I’m sorry if I reacted badly. You see, I feel shame because I got a divorce when he wasn’t unfaithful or mentally ill (Yours is mentally ill, OMG, I went back and read, how horrible what you have been through.) I feel shame that he didn’t love me enough to work on my marriage. I feel like a failure that he didn’t care enough to try. I have been blogging since 2/12 and there is a ton of pain there. I still feel it and share it sometimes, like with the emotions that you brought out with your post, but to a large degree I am plain old mad at him now. He had it good with me, you know? I did everything in my power to make him happy and he still didn’t care if I was happy or not. I think this is our safe place to put these feelings out and find support from each other. I do have a boyfriend now, but to be honest, if I didn’t know him already and he hadn’t pursued me there is no way I would have been dating at this point. Anyway, take care, we are doing great.
I get it, I’m sorry if I reacted badly. You see, I feel shame because I got a divorce when he wasn’t unfaithful or mentally ill (Yours is mentally ill, OMG, I went back and read, how horrible what you have been through.) I feel shame that he didn’t love me enough to work on my marriage. I feel like a failure that he didn’t care enough to try. I have been blogging since 2/12 and there is a ton of pain there. I still feel it and share it sometimes, like with the emotions that you brought out with your post, but to a large degree I am plain old mad at him now. He had it good with me, you know? I did everything in my power to make him happy and he still didn’t care if I was happy or not. I think this is our safe place to put these feelings out and find support from each other. I do have a boyfriend now, but to be honest, if I didn’t know him already and he hadn’t pursued me there is no way I would have been dating at this point. Anyway, take care, we are doing great.
I get it, I’m sorry if I reacted badly. You see, I feel shame because I got a divorce when he wasn’t unfaithful or mentally ill (Yours is mentally ill, OMG, I went back and read, how horrible what you have been through.) I feel shame that he didn’t love me enough to work on my marriage. I feel like a failure that he didn’t care enough to try. I have been blogging since 2/12 and there is a ton of pain there. I still feel it and share it sometimes, like with the emotions that you brought out with your post, but to a large degree I am plain old mad at him now. He had it good with me, you know? I did everything in my power to make him happy and he still didn’t care if I was happy or not. I think this is our safe place to put these feelings out and find support from each other. I do have a boyfriend now, but to be honest, if I didn’t know him already and he hadn’t pursued me there is no way I would have been dating at this point. Anyway, take care, we are doing great.
I get it, I’m sorry if I reacted badly. You see, I feel shame because I got a divorce when he wasn’t unfaithful or mentally ill (Yours is mentally ill, OMG, I went back and read, how horrible what you have been through.) I feel shame that he didn’t love me enough to work on my marriage. I feel like a failure that he didn’t care enough to try. I have been blogging since 2/12 and there is a ton of pain there. I still feel it and share it sometimes, like with the emotions that you brought out with your post, but to a large degree I am plain old mad at him now. He had it good with me, you know? I did everything in my power to make him happy and he still didn’t care if I was happy or not. I think this is our safe place to put these feelings out and find support from each other. I do have a boyfriend now, but to be honest, if I didn’t know him already and he hadn’t pursued me there is no way I would have been dating at this point. Anyway, take care, we are doing great.
Thanks, Cuckoo Mamma. I hear what you are saying. It’s very tough to be in a marriage with someone who doesn’t participate, so give yourself tons of credit for being smart enough to see what that was doing to you. It’s hard for me to get mad at my ex because he is functionally delusional and thinks that everything he does is perfect. Getting mad at him is like spitting in the wind. I just want to get away, and I can’t, so I’m going to try to make that story useful to a larger readership in some way.
I feel trapped, too. I am barely able to make ends meet here, yet I can’t move and take my kids. I don’t know if you have read much of my story, but my boyfriend’s farm, 7 hours away, is where my heart is. If I leave, I get to see my kids 60 days a year. I can’t do that to Kristy, because she needs me too much. So, I am trapped in a house I really can’t pay for, because my credit is too bad to move, without a good job and still controlled in many ways by a man I divorced so I could climb out of the tight cage I was forced to live in for so long. In a way, I am still in a cage, just a little bigger one. Emotionally, I have decided I am stepping into the light because I was ready and needed to change. I couldn’t live in the dark depression anymore. He can’t control how I feel any longer and he HATES that. When you are ready for it, you will know. Until then, continue to grow and get stronger a little every day. You will have set backs, but when you are ready to heal, your energy will change and it will start to happen. You are not alone.
Thanks, Bella.
Thanks, Bella.
Thanks, Bella.
It’s days like today that I’m grateful that I have an education, a career and a master plan. I can’t fathom how trapped you must feel… how awful it must be to be miles and miles from family, friends and all that is familiar.
When my husband and I were in a good spot, he managed to cajole me into moving 4 hours away from anyone I loved so he could be closer to his child from a previous relationship.
Of course he promised that if the move proved untenable, we’d go back to my home. All that was a lie.
It may sound cold and callous, but when I left my husband, I consciously moved to a county in my state that is known as “Welfare Moms Incorporated”. Men never win in court there.
I dug my heels in and resolved myself that I’d spend $10,000 in legal fees keeping $5,000 from my narcissistic ex… my lawyer said I was stupid at first, but then he realized my ex was a “give an inch, take a mile” kind of guy.
I got a much coveted move away clause in our CO. I’m free to pursue my career anywhere I choose, so long as I never sue him for child support. That was his ONLY stipulation… he never wanted to monetarily support our kid. Which is fine by me, so long as I’m not a hostage in an area I can’t stand.
I won’t live in a cage, as Bella so aptly described it. Neither should you. Claw your way out, baby.
Thanks for this, Jessica.
The lawyer who wrote my decree thought I didn’t fight hard enough — I didn’t fight at all, at least not in court — and sometimes I think she was right. So I agree with what you’re saying here. The problem is, no one sees what my ex is like except a very few people, so I am unsure what a court case would boil down to. Also I’m not sure what it would do to my daughter to move.
I’ll find a way out — that’s what this blog is about, ultimately. It’s just not going to be a conventional route.
I’m feeling pretty trapped too. I share parenting with my ex 50/50 and have what essentially amounts to no move clause. I’m free to go, but the kids stay put. I agreed to the clause to avoid a custody fight that I was afraid would harm our children and because I was avised that because of my work travel, I stood a good chance of losing. The problem is that the only way to continue to advance my career is to move. In fact, just to stay put, I’ve had to travel more and more, which means the kids stay with their dad more and more, which make getting a move approved harder and harder. I’m afraid that if I wait until my youngest graduates high school, I will have missed my chance. The only other real alternative is to bribe my ex to move with me. He can work from anywhere, but he likes it here and it would take a pretty sweet offer to get him to go and I don’t know how I would swing that. At least at first the move would not be for significantly more money.
It all has me in a holding pattern. I’ve been reluctant to start new relationships. I don’t want someone who will tie me down here, but if I find someone where I want to move it could be years before we could really be together.
I don’t feel the shame or that I’m being punished, but it is frustrating that as a suposed single person, my life is so heavily infuenced by my ex-wife. Actually her supervisor. We have joint legal custody, I’m the primary custodial parent, and we have a 60(me)/40(her) parenting time split that fluctuates due to her work schedule. I’m trying to make some travel plans, but I won’t know if I can pull them off until her schedule comes out. Because she frequently has to work overtime, I’m the one who has to cover for her with minimal notice. We are actully friends, and I certainly don’t mind the extra time with the kids. I’d take 100% if it didn’t mean them losing their mom, but I don’t like not being able to be decisive about my stuff.
Yes! I feel like although my divorce has been final for just about 3 months I am stuck. Stuck in a town I moved to with my ex husband, stuck because he has the right to see our son and stuck because I stayed at home and homeschooled said son. I have not worked outside of the home in 13 years and this town holds little for me. I don’t want to be here and I feel trapped. My ex always said we’d be together and he was my “home” now I’m far from my family and living here still because of that lying con man. I am not perfect and am as much to blame for the end of the marriage but I too feel like it’s a prison sentence to stay.
My husband let me move back home to Hawaii with a 500k mortgage stating he would follow, only to tell everyone he knew that week he had no intention of doing so. I of course knew nothing. In six months when everyone was supposed to move over, he served me with a restraijing order and papers so I could not get my kids. He proceeded to online date and neglect the children to the point of leaving them alone almost every night. One is getting c’s and d’s after being an a student. He will not be in honors classes next year. Now i can only get 50/50 custody if I move back. Worst of all, I paid his bills in a job and town that almost killed me. I have to make all the changes and do all rhe work. Flying there now. The only joy is that I will rock his world with anxiety.
I feel you, so much. I lived most of my adult life in a wonderful southwestern city; I have a huge, supportive community of friends there. My soon-to-be ex-husband moved there from the east coast when we got married, but we needed to move back east shortly after our son was born, as he wasn’t making enough at his job there to cover all his debts (I knew very little of his financial situation before we were married). We moved back east, and I didn’t work, as we agreed I would stay home with the kids. Throughout this whole time, up until a month ago, he swore that our goal was to move back to the southwest. We visited there last month, and the whole time, he talked about how great it would be for all of us to move back there. When we returned, he announced that he wants a divorce, and he has let me know that he will not allow me to move out of this area. I have very little support here, the cost of living is astronomical compared to where I used to live, and it is going to be much, much harder for me to get a job in my field here, especially after not having worked for 4 years. Back home, I have friends that would let me live with them while I get back on my feet, people who love my kids and would babysit for free, and a wealth of opportunity for jobs. I am trying so hard to be positive, but I feel sick when I think of the amazing community that already exists for my children & I there, and the much bleaker life (in regards to lack of friends, community, finances, etc.) we are facing here. I am strong and I know I can make things okay for us wherever I am, but I feel so sick that not even divorce will end the awful shadow that this man has cast over me ever since I made the mistake of marrying him.
I’d love to know where you are now & how things have fared for you since this blog was written. I am at the beginning of the divorce process and it’s clear I will be trapped in his town, surrounded by his family and his lifelong group of friends. I have nothing and no one here except my two tiny kids. I have a gigantic support system in a different city, with three stay at home moms who could substantially change the quality of my life and the life of my boys for the far far better. But my soon to be ex won’t let us leave. His family is nuts, his parents are too old to help with kids, and his siblings are always on drugs. He tells me “Our kids have a loving family and plenty of friends here”. But it’s just nonsense. He just wants to be here because it’s where he feels comfortable not because it’s best for our boys. It does feel like a prison sentence. For me, I have been begging him to move for 13 years. Now I have another 17 to wait before I can leave. He has literally ruined life, stolen my dreams of how I always wanted to live and raise my kids, and he doesn’t care. Is there any way out of this? At all? I don’t know how anyone can just be okay with having their life usurped and controlled by someone they’re not even married to anymore.