Question:
One thing that’s difficult for me in relationships is “hanging on to myself.” It seems that once I get close to a new lover I give in and accommodate so much that there’s nothing left of me. I’ve found that I’m shying away from dating and becoming involved because I don’t know how to stop myself from becoming attached and dependent on some guy too quickly. Is it even possible to fall in love without losing yourself in the process?
Answer:
Yes, but for a woman who tends to lose your own identity when in a relationship, it is critical that you take preventative measures to avoid this reaction when falling in love. Your world can not stop turning once Mr. Wonderful walks into it. Maintain hobbies, friends, and interests that are independent from your budding relationship. Easier said than done, right? In the initial stages of love, our oxytocin levels are raging and we want to be consumed with our new mate…nothing else matters.
Well, I’m sending you a warning signal that you have to force yourself to make everything else matter. If not, your relationship is destined for failure. Being a dependent, needy mess is not an attractive quality. In fact, your man will run the other way. This behavior will be the downfall of every relationship you have until you conquer it. You do this by getting a life. A real one with purpose and inspiration for whatever it is that drives you. A relationship does not complete you. Its purpose is to compliment what is already a very full and meaningful existence.
So get to it! If you build it, they will come. As soon as you create a life that’s not dependent on another’s love for validation, you’ll actually find love effortlessly.
I lost myself and what I needed being married to my husband of 34 years, who walked out of our marriage and me on September 16, 2013, without a clue that he wasn’t happy, and never said anything either. They call it ‘Sudden Wife Abandonment Syndrome” and it happens more than you think. At age 55 years old, he was having a melt-down, a mid-life crisis, and wanted to start again, maybe with a woman, maybe he was coming out as a gay man, who knows.
The time I have had now that he left me is quite a revalation, that it hit me hard, and made me cry. As an extrovert, a loving, giving, creative type b personality, who loves people and laughter too, I married the wrong person, and stayed way too long in the marriage to him. When you love someone, you do give up a lot about yourself, making sure they are happy, and when you have children, you are caring for their needs too.
As a new single 57 year old, who is still attractive, energetic, and loves life, I would love to meet someone that is compatible to me, but know now I need to keep in mind what I want and need. The first thing I have learned is for me now to put myself first, take that dance class I want to, or an art class, go to the theater or ballet, and the rest will just fall into place. Because of the trauma my huaband inflcted on me, I will be very cautious too, with lots more time to build the relationship that when i married my spouse at 23 years old. your needs as a mature adult are very different that when you were in your twenties. That I have learned and am more aware of who i am, and have always been, and that’s the most important thing to know