As a Relationship Advisor and a parent raising a blended family, I have seen both professionally and personally how quickly family dynamics can change throughout the evolution of divorce. Divorces may start off extremely hostile and over time morph into amicable, or they may instead start off copacetic and turn downright nasty.
The truth is, we can’t predict how the dynamics will change, and although the hope is that we can all co-parent successfully, we have to make arrangements for the contrary.
Here are 3 reasons it’s so important that you set up boundaries around co-parenting with your ex immediately.
1. He might not have a new partner yet…but he will
Until your ex finds a new partner, you are still the #1 woman in his life (second to his mother, maybe). You are the mother of his children and the woman he most listened to for all the years before your divorce. Until those shoes are filled with a new woman, you will likely continue to be that woman in his life. So there might be easy conversations about schedule changes, financial shifts, future plans, etc…for now.
The second there is another woman by his side, someone who is 100% on his team, you will no longer have the loudest voice in his life (and you shouldn’t, truly). So even if things are cool, calm, collected now, setting up structure (legally in particular) around how your divorce will operate is incredibly important.
2. He might not have appropriately processed his pain
Men are notoriously bad at dealing with their psychological struggles (blame it on society’s male construct). In the divorce process, men often start off angry (which is just the easiest-to-show-up emotion, not the true issue) or they may start off complacent (read: numb). The truth is that it often takes men a long time to truly process the pain of losing the life they thought they were going to live, to start the grieving process, and to move forward in a positive way.
Oftentimes the pain is pushed away and everything turns into appeasement for a while (if you notice you’re getting “yes” to every favor you ask, you’re in this phase with your ex).
The thing is, this doesn’t last – for many reasons. Some men do eventually face the demons, seek counselling, and work through their pain; a difficult process but a worthwhile endeavor for future happiness. Once they reach the other side, they may feel more empowered and clear on what they want for their future, and it may not be at all in line with what you want for yours (which is fine, because you’re divorced).
However, when raising kids together, you want to be clear on what you both want for them (regardless of what you want for yourselves), and that needs to be worked out early on – before the changes occur.
And if your ex is like many men, he may never truly deal with the pain. He might get angry off and on for years, he might even still blame you for leaving him (if you did) and every negative thing that happens in his life 20 years down the line (trust me, I’ve seen it happen).
This is again why it is so important to set boundaries for your communication and the goals for your children right from the start – because it’s so unclear how his pain will be processed. Remember that hurt people, hurt people – and he is hurt, so there is no telling how he will hurt you next (intentionally or unintentionally).
3. He might never be the father you wished he would be
You divorced him for a reason – probably many – one of which might be around the issues of parenting. Even if you felt that throughout your marriage he was a great dad, it’s possible that the pain of the divorce results in a lessening of his super-dad persona.
Or maybe he wasn’t a great dad, or just not the dad you had hoped he would be, and maybe you want more for your children and you hope that your new (or future) partner will be that person in your children’s lives. Your new partner may very well be a great influence in your children’s lives, but it won’t change who their dad is.
If your ex is in your kids’ lives, well then you may have to grit your teeth, bite your tongue, and take the high road when it comes to issues you have with regards to his parenting style. Again, boundaries are so important here when it comes to your children’s well-being – there should absolutely be ground rules set from the start about what you both agree on as being for their best interest and not for their best interest (safety first, needs met, etc.).
Everything else is a bit of “grin and bare it” unfortunately. But remember, that’s why you’re divorced – so that you don’t have to personally be impacted by his choices in the same way anymore. Your kids will be, always, so make sure those boundaries are set from the start so that you can be sure your children are being cared for in the best way possible across households.
Being a two-household family is not easy and it comes with its own host of ever-evolving challenges. If there is one thing I have seen time and time again, it’s that wishy-washy boundaries put in place at the beginning leads to significant emotional and communication issues down the line. Don’t tell yourself “we’ll deal with that later” or “he’s being fine about that now, so we’ll leave it as it is”.
If you have strong opinions about how things should be, vocalize them. If he agrees, get them written up. If he doesn’t, work them through as soon as possible (with a mediator or in a lawyer if necessary) so that there is no question regarding what you are both expecting and requiring moving forward. Don’t just “see what happens over time”, be proactive and make sure you are clear on what you need, what you want, and what is best for your children’s future.
FAQs About Setting Boundaries For Your Ex:
When should I talk to my ex about my children’s future?
Sooner the better when it comes to talking to your ex about your children’s future. When men are processing the pain of their divorce, they tend to listen to their spouses more. Talk to him about how you both can ensure a better future for children.
How do men behave during the divorce process?
You would find men angry or complacent during the divorce process because they can’t handle their psychological struggles very well.
Do men recover quickly from divorce?
Men take a long time to recover from the pain of divorce as compared to women. Men struggle with the grieving process, which makes it harder for them to move forward in a positive way after divorce.
What happens if my ex fails to move on after divorce?
You get blamed for everything that went wrong in your relationship when your ex fails to move on after divorce. He will have anger issues, besides blaming you for leaving him even years after divorce. He might blame you for what happens in his life even 20 years after divorce.
Will my ex continue to be a good father?
Men can sometimes struggle with being good fathers as they find it difficult to deal with the pain of divorce.
I need help. My ex (mom to my 3 girls) is causing a lot of problems for my fiance and I. It’s her lack of couth and boundaries. I know that we need to communicate about our children but it is out of hand. She calls me for every little thing and it takes a ton of my time. She will bring up the past and even things she knows about my childhood and tie it in to my parenting skills… like she’s an expert on me. I’ve tried discussing it with her but she says we are parenting together and my fiance needs to get over it. Then enter fb. We apprehensively accepted her friend requests and she proceeded to go through a lot of our posts and like them then comment on one of mine. It’s just not comfortable and it is upsetting my fiance a lot. Do I really have to have long conversations and texts with my ex every single day about our children?
Brock, the short answer? No, you do not need to have long conversations and texts with your ex every day about your children. That is not the definition of co-parenting, and it’s clear there is a severe lack of boundaries in place right now. There are three key pieces to maintaining boundaries for any healthy relationship, and those are to revisit, revise, and reestablish your boundaries. It’s clear you have revisited the boundaries, and whatever is in place isn’t working for you, your lines are being crossed. So, it’s time to revise. And be deliberate about this, send an email with your non-negotiables and what you need to see happen moving forward. Make it clear that you are comfortable with contact for “need-base” child-related reasons only (e.g., a child is sick, a child’s activity, schedule shifts, etc.). And then, you have to reestablish those boundaries once you have vocalized them. The toughest part? You have to hold up your end of the bargain 🙂 That means, don’t engage with her more than the level of contact you said you’d permit. Remind her that you will not engage with her if it is not need-based or at the very least, those responses will be low priority. It takes work to set good boundaries in place and follow through with them, but it is not impossible. I talked about ways to revisit, revise, and reestablish in a recent article (http://www.yourtango.com/experts/dr-jennelle/key-maintaining-boundaries-revisit-revise-and-reestablish) and I would be happy to talk with you further about some ways you can create better boundaries with your ex. Feel free to contact me directly anytime ([email protected])
My son recently separated with his baby mama Lol And she started dating about a month after they split up And he spends the night. Now she Lives in a condo with 2 bedrooms that she shares what they friend That is a heavy drinker The baby sleeps with her and then when he comes to our house he sleeps in his own Room She’s very selfish Put yourself before the baby I’m really concerned