Dating after divorce, especially if you’re still hurting and reeling can be more of a disappointment than you want to deal with.
How soon to start dating after divorce is, of course, a very personal choice, but here are my two cents based on my own experience.
A few years back, one of my very good friends said to me that she couldn’t imagine bringing another man into her and her daughter’s life. She had, at that point, been divorced for five years and she looked very content indeed. Friends, hobbies, a fulfilling job and a delightful child, she seemed to have cracked the formula for being happy, fabulous and single. Men needn’t apply.
Back then, I was still married, with a handsome and successful husband, three beautiful children, no financial worries and the typical smugness that comes with having it all. I remember wondering what I would do if I were in my friend’s position and whether I would be as successful at singledom as she had been but I quickly brushed that thought off because surely bad things only happen to other people?
A year later, my husband left me for another woman. I had become one of the ‘other people’.
What to do? I started wondering whether I should take some time out, to lick my wounds and find my bearings again, exactly like my friend had done, or jump into the dating arena straight away. I chose the latter.
Seeking and soaking up men’s attention, or letting my hair down as I liked to justify it to myself, seemed at the time the best way to medicate the pain. It wasn’t of course. Dating whilst still broken and at rock bottom is never a good idea, as it is conducive to more heartache, low self-esteem, and emptiness down the line.
You simply don’t have the emotional tools for dating when still broken from a divorce.
Online dating can be brutal. You need a pretty strong stomach for it. Whilst the sudden attention might feel like a balm at first, especially if you have been betrayed or left for another woman, you quickly clock on how superficial it truly is. Choice being so overwhelming and looks being the main currency, people become fussy and greedy beyond belief.
We are pretty much reduced to catalog items, and chances are, there is always going to be someone younger, prettier and smarter than you. To find your diamond, that someone who is willing to invest time and effort on you only, you have to wade through an awful lot of mud.
And that is the reason why it might be a good idea to take some time out after your divorce to breathe, get reacquainted with yourself, reorganize your life, focus on a new project, bond with your children, expand your social life or whatever might rock your boat.
The first man I dated after divorce had a hole in his heart. Literally and figuratively. He strung me along for a few weeks and then did a disappearing act. I put it down to bad luck and soldiered on.
The second man I dated showed me the true meaning of romance. He did things for me that no one had ever done before. I was intoxicated. But a month in, the spell was broken and he was gone. A series of disasters later, I finally called timeout on dating. I was drained, mentally and emotionally.
I don’t mean to say that internet dating is all bad and, granted, there are genuine and well-intentioned people out there, but they aren’t exactly the majority of the online crowd.
Predators are swarming all over the net and they can smell the desperation a mile off. They are skilled at making you feel beautiful, special and unique. They work you from the side and when they have you in the bag, they use you and leave you. Sometimes they vanish before you have even met: something better has come along.
But when they go missing in action after three or four dates, when you have started to form an emotional attachment, that hurts. And it reinforces the belief that you really are that unlikable. Ultimately, it’s not about you: it’s just the nature of the beast. But because you are down in the dumps, you take it personally.
And that is the reason why it might be a good idea to take some time out after your divorce to breathe, get reacquainted with yourself, reorganize your life, focus on a new project, bond with your children, expand your social life or whatever might rock your boat.
Anything other than exposing your vulnerability to a perfect stranger who doesn’t necessarily have your best interest at heart.
Going back to my friend, she has now met a wonderful man who makes her happy. She says that she is grateful for the time off because when it did happen for her, she was ready. She allowed herself to hurt, grieve and eventually heal and grow into her own skin.
When her boyfriend came along, he complemented something that was already good and whole. As it happens, two years down the line, I also met a lovely man who completes me, but the road has, for me, been far more tortuous and dotted with disappointment and heartache.
For sure online dating is brutal, I recall saying to Margherita (We had relationship between July 2016 through to early 2017), you have to leave your heart at the door of online dating before going in. Though I would suggest there is some creative, if not fictitious writing In this post.
Our relationship blossomed quickly, with me being introduced to her children very early on, whilst picking her up for our second date! Although I thought this odd at the time it wasn’t a real issue. In fact we did quite a lot together including trips to a local steam railway, cinema. I was even introduced to Nandos (not that romantic, but the kids loved it) etc.
After we went our separate ways we remained in touch and to the best part friendly, with both of us meeting new partners. In fact we lunched together just last week. This was when she told me about writing for this blog and how proud she was of it.
I now know why she wasn’t keen for me to read them!
The point about this post is: where did I fit in?
Margherita told me I was the first man she had dated since her husband left her.
Now I have a good, healthy heart, so this counts me out as Date One.
Our “embrace” lasted much longer than a month, so I can’t be Date Two.
Therefore I can only assume I’m one of the “series of disasters later” but that doesn’t leave long before she met her latest boy friend.
It’s as if in these posts she couldn’t possibly admit she had any good/fun times until she met the current boyfriend. This simply isn’t the case.
I do find this sad. Margherita, her family and I shared many good times. For what ever reason, she has quite clinically glossed over all this in these posts as if we or those memories never existed.
I’d like to have thought our relationship counted for something more than an “eerie silence” as she so eloquently put it in another post, if that of course was aimed at out relationship.