The American Psychological Association cites that “90% of people marry by age 50.” They go further to say that, 40-50 % of couples in the United States divorce.” So what this means is that after divorce the dating scene is full of other divorced people–which can be good and bad.
When I was going through my marital separation and divorce, dating, companionship, love none of those things ever crossed my mind. At that time I was thinking about my kids, how to pay the bills, and how to stop feeling so crappy.
But as time went on and I was without kids on many Saturday nights, I thought I should check out what the dating scene had to offer. Even when I was younger, I was not a bar/night club kind of gal. I am a little shy and nothing has changed on that front. I decided to try online dating and see what was there. My sister’s advice, “go for a 20 something!!” Uh, No. However, after going through many male profiles I did notice a trend. A lot of guys put the following statements in their profiles:
1. “I am looking for an honest woman.” OK. This was a common theme so I guess a lot of men out there encountered a lot of dishonest women.
2. “No drama please.” I am in my early 40’s, divorced, with children, with an aging parent, a job, and extended family living close—I guess I have no drama!
3. “I am broke-my divorce left me without money so if you are looking for a free ride–I am not it.” There is nothing I can say about this one except keep that mouse clicking. Who is interested in a man who advertises he is a cheapskate?
After some time checking out profiles my sister says, “why is everyone out there balding, broke or near broke, and bitter?”
Me, “I guess that what guys look and feel like after divorce at middle-age?”
I took a chance and started chatting with a gentleman. He seemed nice enough. We even spoke on the phone a few times. I am not a girl to move quickly but eventually we decided to meet at a local mall. I was outside waiting and finally this guy came limping up to me.
His profile said he was 45 years old, business owner, traveled frequently in the past, divorced, looking for casual dating. OK, sounded good to me.
There was nothing in his profile about limping and certainly nothing that was honest about his age because no way in hell was this guy 45 years of age. He actually looked closer to my dad’s age who was 69 at the time! The picture he posted on line was of him 30 years ago! I was speechless.
Seriously! And he was one of the guys who was looking for an honest woman.
Again, not having the self confidence I do now I went inside the mall with him. He started to tell me that he was having a foot issue and needed to see a doctor. We stopped at a local juice bar. I was looking at the menu and wishing I was home with my kids.
He starts to tell me that on the dating site we used there are articles giving advice to people who are meeting for the first time. He goes on to say to me, “the article says that you should never take a woman out to dinner, just meet her for a drink, women always want free meals.” This guy must know the other guy I went out with who I named “cheap guy.” I paid for my juice and he paid for his.
He started telling me he lived with parents, was attending nursing school, had not yet divorced but soon would, and this is his second marriage but he has children with three different women. I am sitting there wanting to throw my juice and run for the hills.
I honestly did not know what to say to this guy. Looking back I should have said “why did you post a picture of yourself 30 years ago and misrepresent yourself?” We finished our drink and I walked, he limped out to the parking lot. I went home and did two things: blocked him on the dating website and “hid” my profile.
Do not take away from this article that I think dating websites are bad and all men are liars. I do not feel either of those things. I am just sharing this with you because I am sure other people out there in “dating after divorce” land have had similar experiences.
Eventually I put my profile back up and met an awesome guy that I am still dating today. Good luck with your search. Use caution and try, try to laugh and remember, you may have to have drinks with a few toads before meeting the right guy.