There is a misconception by some that women who become involved with bad men do so purposefully. If you’ve spoken with a self-proclaimed “good guy” about the subject I’m sure you’ve heard the “women choose bad men” line. Yada, yada, yada.
I was working on a web design project for a woman who had written a book about marriage. She is quite conservative, believes that a woman’s place is in the home, having babies and greeting her husband with a smile and a martini after his hard day at work.
I asked her what women should do when husbands don’t come home after a hard day at work. Or, what women should do when their husbands slap, kick or knock them around on a regular basis? Her response, “they should stop choosing bad husbands.” Yada, yada, yada.
Try to imagine if you can. A good woman is sitting home on Friday night. She is doing her nails or her laundry when, out of the blue, she makes a decision. It is time to get serious about finding herself a bad man. And off she goes, turning her back on all those “good guys” while scoping the local bar scene or church social for bad men.
I’ve heard that each relationship that comes into our life is the universe’s way of delivering a lesson to learn. I want to assure those who believe differently that us women folk aren’t setting our bonnets and hoping we form a relationship with some man who has tough lessons to teach us. It isn’t a bad man we are after; it’s a man to love who will return our love. Simple!
Women don’t choose bad men, they are choosing us. And they know in order to get us they have to use certain tactics to reel us in. A wolf looking for prey doesn’t appear in wolf’s clothing. You can bet the bad man we attached ourselves to show up all fluffy white with their charms turned on. Sweet, little lambs!
What Good Women Choose:
Women fall for them because bad men have a special talent when it comes to playing the game of attracting women. They come out of the dating gate full speed ahead and pull out all the stops. Us women are attracted to men who…
Have a good sense of humor,
Show sympathy for our problems,
Have good manners,
Are well groomed,
Make an effort to spend time with us,
Offer help when we need it,
Consider our feelings,
And enjoy the same things we do,
Bad men can tweak the truth, conceal their flaws and become exactly who they think you want them to be. It is pretty damn easy to fall in love with a bad man who is playing the role of a good man. It is easy to confuse manipulation with genuine love when a man is sending powerful signals that he will be there through thick and thin, good and bad, through health and sickness.
When a man’s behaviors say, “I love you” women instinctively believe he is safe to form an emotional involvement with. We are safe, he is good, and it’s off to the races! And then the ride gets bumpy.
What Good Women Get:
You see, bad men don’t reveal themselves until you are his “sure thing.” Once you become his sure thing the fluff and charm give way to reveal who he is and what you’ve attached yourself to. You find out things such as…
His involvement with other women,
His fondness for yelling, screaming and getting in your face,
He drinks Jack Daniels like it’s water,
Just how exaggerated his feigned interest in you was,
That he would rather live off you than hold down a job,
He has more interest in hanging with his buddies, watching football, and scratching his nuts than spending time with you,
His great sense of humor is always at your expense,
He is a stump who doesn’t like sex (with you), long walks on the beach, candle lit dinners, or anything else that would require him taking his head out of his ass long enough to consider something other than his own needs.
After all, that emotional deception, the hook, line, and sinker tactics that you end up with is a good woman wondering how the hell she got where she is and how to change the situation. And when I say “situation” I mean him. How does she change him and get back the man she fell in love with? She doesn’t, we all know that but it takes her time to learn. She may not have chosen that bad man but she will eventually choose to get rid of him.
What’s a Good Woman To Do?
Loving is a choice, who we love is definitely a choice. We can choose who to not fall in love with. Learning to choose who you don’t want in your life leaves room for the man you do want in your life. It is all about the choosing, picking, and selecting. Love shouldn’t be something you “fall” into, it should be something you do purposefully and skillfully. The more proficient you become at reading his signals the less likely you are to be manipulated by a bad man.
Lead with your head, not your heart, and focus on these things before going over to the dark side.
1. Notice his facial expressions and body language. The look on his face and how he carries himself can say a lot, pay attention. “To make them look more appealing, men will unconsciously arrange their clothing. They will straighten their tie, brush imaginary dust off their shoulder, and adjusts their trousers. His mind says, ‘I want to look my best for you’ and his body responds accordingly,” says Allan Pease, author of The Body Language of Love.
2. Assess vocal tones for sincerity. Sincerity can be heard in people who are interested, enthusiastic, or passionate about what they’re talking about and who they’re talking to. If he isn’t sincere what he says will sound false, hollow, uncaring, flippant, and cynical.
3. Get information about his social reputation and especially his sexual history. Find out how others know and perceive him, his character, and his history of romantic relationships.
4. Don’t give up the goods too quickly. Insist on time before having sex. This will allow you a greater window of time for assessment and evaluation of him and be helpful in weeding out the bad men.
This is such an important topic! It’s addressing the ‘blame the victim’ mentality. Solid tips too to ensure a better future.
Thanks Lisa! I grew up around “blame the victim” thinking. Here in the deep south men are revered. If a man goes bad it is some woman’s fault. I find that a lot of women I know buy into the “yada, yada, yada” talk and take responsibility for something they don’t own. Probably why so many stay for so long in bad marriages.
Oh, Cathy. My attorney asked me one time if I was attracted to “bad boys”. My response was, I fell for the sob stories. Bad men have a way of hooking and reeling you in. I am in the first good relationship in my life. Pretty sad, I know.
Yes! Great article Cathy! The truth is, you can never really know someone else. Assigning a “good” or “bad” based on whether they frequent bars or go to church is a very superficial way of looking at relationships. I always say going to church doesn’t make you a good person any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. Your tips are fantastic and helpful – take off your rose coloured glasses and have a good look!
Great Article. BUT I have learned, through dating ‘bad men’ and reading TONS of self-help books re: how women can stay out of relationships with hurtfull men, how to be better at NOT picking these men. For example: If a guy comes on TOO STRONG TOO SOON – bad sign. One guy told me he wanted us to have kids, etc. Next thing I knew -he went back to his ex-girlfriend and instead of telling me that, was very CRUEL when he left me. Recently, met a guy on a dating site. Liked him, but THEN he told me why he and his ex divorced. Turns out he was a very Selfish man; two weeks after she gave birth to their first child, her Mom came to visit, and he told his wife “I need a break”. He told me “I don’t know WHY she was so upset. I mean – her Mom was there. Plus – I was with her the whole 9 months and all”. When I asked if they could have compromised he responsed, “What’s to compromise? I either went or didn’t go”. AND he relayed other similar examples of his wife getting upset. Needless to say- I dropped him, so I wouldn’t be getting upset! As to narcississtic men, please – do yourself a favor. Read ALL the books you can on them. You’ll become an expert and spot them from far off. Am I lonely? Sure, sometimes. Am I better off? Absolutely!
preach!
preach!
preach! well said
preach! well said
Thanks Suzanne! I dated a guy who told me on the 3rd date that he had been looking for me his “entire life.” Funny thing is, his wife left him after 21 years of marriage. How was it possible for him to be married to one woman and “looking” for another all at the same time? Great insight into why she left!
I think some men think women are stupid. They think we are pining away for a man and all the have to do is say the right thing. Nine times out of ten they say the wrong thing but at the same time gives us quite the view of who/what they really are.
It’s the “nice guy” who constantly complains about women only liking bad guys that irritate me. There is nothing more dangerous that a self-proclaimed “nice guy.” I’ll take a guy who knows he is bad over a guy who thinks he is nice any day! At least then I know what I’m working with. How much time and energy to put into it and when to move on.
Those nice guys who come on strong right out of the gate are trouble and I no longer do trouble.
well said suzanne
Ladies Ladies! I know that “bad boys” may give you a lot of exccitement but it all depends on what you’re looking for! If you’re looking for excitement then yes go after the bad boys! If you’re looking for long term stability go with us boring but stable guys! It’s all in your court ladies! I am a guy who has been through it all! I had my bad boy period and went though a lot of women and they were generally pretty damn exciting but none of them gave me a feeling that this is the woman I want to spend my life with! So now I am a man with a quandary. I am middle age, financially stable, but can’t find a decent women because, maybe in my area only, they’re looking for bad boys? OK you all tell me!
Mike, you didn’t read the article or the comments by the women did you? If you had, your response would have been entirely different. The article DEBUNKS the myth that women want “bad guys,” it doesn’t promote the myth. A myth that you perpetuate in your comment. All you “good guys” who don’t get picked by a woman tell yourself it is because women online go for the “bad guys.” Wrong! It is the self-proclaimed “good guy” who is the most dangerous to a woman. Take you comment for instance. You are a good guy but based on the content of your comment you didn’t read the article. (red flag) You are a good guy but women don’t want you because we only want bad guys. (red flag) You’ve been through a lot of women. (red flag) Now you can’t find a decent woman? You’ve probably tossed aside quite a few good women during your bad boy faze and now that you want to settle down you can’t find a woman because women in your area only like bad guys. Us ladies don’t have to tell you anything because your comment tells us all we need to know about you. 1.) You don’t listen to or care what women have to say…if you did you would have read the article before leaving a comment. 2.) You don’t hold women in high esteem because it must be our fault that you can’t meet a decent woman. Have you ever considered that you can’t find a decent woman because there is something about you that decent women are turned off to? 3.) Decent women tend to stay away from men who openly admit they’ve been through a lot of women…who wants a “player?” You want a decent woman? Stop patting yourself on the back for being such a good guy and take to heart that a woman is far more valuable to you, than you are to her.
I do agree with most of what you have said Cathy. I thought it was very harsh of you to say a women is far more valuable than he is. In a relationship partners are to complete each other. Not to get religious but God didn’t create Eve from the earth as did with Adam. Instead created him a completing companion from Adam to add to him and accomplish those this Adam couldn’t on his own. I could sit here and tell you the details of my past and have no shame in any of it because I know I never gave up until the relationship was toxic( my first relationship ; from 18 to 22) or my girlfriend said it just wasn’t working out. Though painful to breakup yet still very enlightening to learn from what was good and what wasn’t. There are no good guys, or bad boys. I look at it as there are men and boys. Some males never grow out of the boy phase and learn what it means to be a man. Sorry for the rant. Just thought it was harsh to say that one partner is more valuable than the other 🙂
I am a good guy. Proud to say it as well despite what you all have said here. I have never cheated but Im certainly guilty of some shouting and name calling. Not proud of those but it takes two to dance sometimes. The blame for shouting matches and arguements can be found depending on how long you have to sit there and argue but you most certainly are better off letting it go the best that you can. The truth is not the issue at hand but something deeper, one or both of you is not happy with your decision to be with this person. O.K. so let’s attack the bad guy thing. I’m sorry ladies but some of you do absolutely fall for the bad boy or bad guy. The debunking is the audacity that some of you are calling yourself good women. There are two reason why good women choose the bad boy. First is if I can tame this tiger than that means I am one hot cookie. This is pride and not a good thing. You see yourself as a damn good catch and you may very well be one of the brightest and most beautiful down to earth Gals out there but he is the Alpha Male and he will so choose his mate accordingly. Trouble is your brilliance may be to much for him to handle mentally. Let me take a second to say that even though physical attraction is important mental chemistry is far more important. I think that woman are taught who is the Alpha dog. A good father will try and set the right example or the best example that he can. But the best thing he can instill in his little girl is to trust in herself, good esteem. The Second reason good woman fall for bad boys is “I’m getting him at the bargain price.” Here is where our friend Mike is proclaiming to be. The Bad boy retired. When a good women lands the bad boy at the bargain price there is still a little bit of that “I’m the one that finally nailed down Bad Boy Billy Pratt.” Now let’s talk about the bad girl who keeps falling for the bad boy. Some women look for the man that doesn’t or will not challenge or just simpy lets them be as low in life as they care to be. Sorry if this is poorly written. Good luck to all of us looking for true love.
Good article and I’d note that when I hear guys say that ‘nice guys finish last’ I reply with ‘timid guys finish last’ and there is a clear difference. Timid guys are indecisive, lack confidence and won’t make a move. Nice guys can be decisive and confident.
No wonder us good guys can’t meet a good woman anymore these days.
So you’re basically saying that women are stupid and easily deceived. OK, I can agree with that. They made their bed. They can raise their kids as single, divorced mothers.
If women don’t pick so many bad men, then why is there the need for this article and this website? Hello, DIVORCEDMOMS.COM! You picked bad men. You rode bad men. You started families with bad men. And now you’re trying to cover your rumps because you thought with your slits instead of your brains and now you’re paying the price! If men thought with their sausages as much as ladies do, not even a quarter of you would have ever been impregnated or even married.
I dont think its anybody’s fault here, we just have to understand what we want.
Thank you Carter.