“I would’ve done anything.” I listened as a woman told a group of strangers how far she would’ve gone to save her marriage. I nodded in agreement because I knew how she felt.
Many of us have spoken the words. Often the delivery is a proud proclamation, a redeeming, ego-soothing regurgitation of verbiage:
“I’m getting divorced. He’s the one leaving. I would’ve done anything.”
I wonder if it’s a subconscious excuse—a Get Out Of Jail Free Card to silence listeners who think a marriage should be forever.
Regardless of the reasoning, I’d like to suggest that this mentality is actually part of the problem in (and after) a relationship. Is it really so honorable to be willing to do anything for someone else?
I think not. Let me explain…
Two years ago I was enjoying the Best Relationship Of My Life. My partner and I had been through a lot of changes that made us stronger. I was a stellar stepmom, and he was a great dog daddy. We lived, laughed, loved and still snuggled on the couch while watching terrible, time-wasting TV shows.
I would’ve done anything to preserve the wonderful life we’d built together.
And that was the problem. Over the years, I learned to regulate myself according to my partner’s comfort levels. I didn’t want to be a burden to him, nor did I want to outshine him (the male ego is so delicate). With our relationship as my top priority, I held back, minimized my needs and stunted my growth.
I thought my actions were noble, but in fact, they were stupid. When my partner-centered life disintegrated before my eyes, I was nothing but a shell of the woman I thought I was. Years of that “I-would-do-anything” attitude had left me hollow and unfulfilled as an individual.
As I reclaimed my personal identity, I returned to the less-considerate version of myself that existed pre-commitment. And you know what? I realized that was the person my ex fell in love with, not the codependent, self-sacrificing admirer that I’d become.
My ex and I never discussed this aspect of our relationship and separation. I don’t know if I could’ve saved our partnership by nurturing myself as much as I thought I was nurturing him. I don’t think so, and it doesn’t matter. I’ve learned to rate my personal fulfillment on more than my coupled-or-not status. There’s a fine line between healthy sacrifice for the greater good and consistent self-diminishing habits. It’s not an easy path to walk; yet it’s imperative that we be aware of the delineation.
Remaining true to my essence by nourishing personal growth might not have saved my partnership, but I could have saved myself. Even in the inevitable end, I would have been stronger, thus less desperate to make it work at all costs. I would have had more confidence in my ability to thrive on my own, and I wouldn’t have told others, through a pained expression, “I would have done anything.”
Can we toss these words out the window, knowing that our dignity is not tied to a relationship status? Can we walk forward with faith in ourselves because of what we wouldn’t do?
Looking back, I realize there were things I could have done to stay with my ex. I refused to do them, and I’m not sorry. I now claim this fact as my truth.
Words to live by. We are so quick to give up everything, when if we would stand our ground and be ourselves we would most likely end up gaining everything.