Are you divorced but feel like the only thing that has changed is your address? Living in two separate households only to find that distance doesn’t always equal freedom?
Have you just survived the worst time of your life by the skin of your teeth, yet it still feels like you are in the trenches?
Divorced But Still Feel Married?
I thought divorce papers were my ticket to freedom. I would sign the papers and somehow it would magically dissolve everything… cut all ties. Boy was I in for a rude awakening! Little did I know that a piece of paper didn’t guarantee that I would be divorced energetically.
Let me explain what I mean by being physically divorced, but energetically still married.
Marriage is defined by a union of two people…a partnership, which can be dissolved at any time on paper. Whenever we bond with someone, as in marriage, we physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, as well as energetically connect to that person.
We are energetic beings that create many kinds of attachments. Although we can physically divorce our partner, that does not mean that we energetically detach from them after the divorce is finalized.
This explains how you can physically be miles apart, yet still, feel like nothing has changed. They still have the same power over you just like they did while you were married.
One text has the power to bring you right back to the darkest days of your life. One phone call reminds you why you filed for divorce in the first place. Your thoughts about them have the power to paralyze your entire body keeping you stuck and unable to move forward.
What you have yet to realize is that you are still CHAINED, still TETHERED to what has rendered you powerless.
Let me paint you a picture. Imagine your intestines being tied into tiny little knots, and all the food you’ve ingested is unable to make its way down into your stomach. This would stop you from eliminating waste, and your body would quickly build up toxins and make you sick.
This is what it looks like to be stuck energetically to something that no longer serves you. In essence, you have been tied in energetic knots. Unable to move and grow, and evolve into the next phase of your life.
So, how do you shake this??!!
How can you cut this energy cord after a separation once and for all?!
The first step is knowing your truth.
Put the fight down! Put down the need to prove or defend yourself to anyone. See your ex as a mirror. What are they triggering inside of you that you believe about yourself?
Do you believe that you are unworthy of love, that you are a bad person, that you deserved to be punished? Do you have guilt or shame attached to your divorce? If you cannot put the limiting story down you will keep letting your triggers own you.
This is when you need to work on reprogramming those beliefs of yours because if you didn’t believe them their words would have no power over you.
Subconsciously we believe these ugly little lies. Most of the time we are completely unaware of it. Unaware of the inner chatter that has the power to bring us to our knees.
The second step is owning your story and walking away from the victim mindset.
You are not a victim of your divorce! I don’t care who wanted the divorce and who didn’t want the divorce. So many people feel the need to cast blame after divorce. They feel the need to make one party the victim and the other party the culprit.
The truth is if you label yourself as “The Victim,” you will disarm yourself of all your power. Is that what you really want…a constant pity party?
Put the story down!
Your marriage is over…the end! No need to rally the troops to fight a battle only to keep the energetic cords alive. Do you want to win or do you want to be happy?
The third step is doing the work to figure out what brought you to the unconscious relationship in the first place.
Let me tell you that the answer to this will not be outside yourself. Ask the questions that you didn’t have the courage or awareness to ask yourself prior to the relationship.
It’s shocking to think that I never asked myself these questions until my mid-thirties, and I know I’m not alone in this! They are the most basic and fundamental questions:
WHO AM I? HOW DID I GET HERE? WHAT AM I INTERESTED IN? WHO WAS I BEFORE I WAS WHAT EVERYBODY ELSE NEEDED ME TO BE?
Let me tell you how powerful the universe is. The minute I asked the right questions I got the answers loud and clear…like the very next day! But this doesn’t happen without surrender, without letting go of how you think things should be and accepting what is.
Accepting what is takes work. It takes courage. It takes owning your part and wearing it like a badge of honor, not as an anchor.
I am guessing you don’t know how to do the “work” otherwise you would have done it already. So, let me give you a taste of what doing the work meant for me…
Once I was ready to put down the sword and really step into my power, well this was where the journey began. I realized I needed support.
The box I created for myself didn’t have the necessary tools I needed to get out. I sought after counselors and coaches. I found mentors virtually because they were far and few between in my circle. I read books, I went to women’s retreats, I created new friendships that supported my journey, I listened to podcasts.
I did anything and everything to empower myself, and even when I didn’t feel powerful I let this virtual family that I created hold me up until I could do it alone. And I did it all with grace and compassion for myself. I wasn’t in a race to some imaginary finish line. There is no finish line!
The fourth step just might be the most difficult step of all…FORGIVENESS.
I’m not going to lie, my ego will still try and pull one over me at times. I still get triggered and it brings me to a place of righteousness. When that happens, I forgive myself for being human and having a human experience.
I have realized that most of these feelings come from generations of women before me. Generations of women living in lack, in fear, in comparison, in the need to defend or prove themselves.
The truth is nobody has the power to make you feel this way unless YOU give it to them. So, in forgiving my ex I was forgiving myself.
The Hawaiian’s have a beautiful prayer of forgiveness and healing relationships called ho’oponopono, which goes like this…
I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you.
I know, the thought of saying this might make you cringe, but this prayer really is about setting yourself free. This is what is going to allow you to cut the energetic cord, the cord that still binds you.
The fifth and final step is to actually cut the energetic cord.
Physical relationships create the strongest of energetic cords. At one point you bonded with this person in the most intimate of ways, and divorce papers won’t wash that away. Why is it necessary to cut these cords?
So that you can break the attachment that causes you to still react to this person, and step into a place of self-love. It’s a great way to disarm them and empower you.
In intimate relationships, cords are typically attached from the heart center. Begin with closing your eyes and putting one hand over your heart, or wherever you feel the attachment stems from.
You can visualize your ex standing in front of you with an energy cord that attaches you two together. Set the intention of not allowing any more energy exchanged with this person.
You then move your hand up and down as if your cutting a rope with an axe. Visualize yourself cutting the energy cord once and for all.
This is what worked for me in order to sever the chords that attached us. It is a process that takes lots of intention.
You will see for yourself that the power they once had over you will disappear, and you will have new-found freedom you never thought possible.
After reading this information I can pen point what had me feeling emotional overboard. Yet , after so many years of marriage the divorce from my spouse the problem, it was some of his family members I was close too. I still wanted to be married in his family, should I stop talking and caring about Uncles, Aunties, brother & sister -in-laws, nieces, nephews, cousins etc. family has always been a big part of my life. How do you repair yourself from the titles you have carried with the people you love and not feel the loss all over again? I hope this make sense, because writing this is emotional and a sadness come over me. A divorce is a hard road to go down it just don’t effect you and the spouse, the two sides of the families and friends as well.
I loved this article. I found it range so true to my life and situation. I have always called it my wife switch and discussed in depth how hard it is to turn that switch off. It is the loss of so much more than just that wife title however. Thank you for sharing this and I am going to share it on my blog as a great read for others but also something I can look back at later.
Great post. I pray I wake up one day n this will be all behind me. I had open heart surgery with out anesthesia. Such a negative feeling. They say never go back keep going forward oh how I miss my husband
This new age energy cutting stuff doesn’t help. There’s a whole industry encouraging people to divorce too easily like it’s just a stepping stone to another life stage and self-empowerment. In truth, a very large proportion of people don’t get over divorce and regret it the rest of their lives. Cutting so-called energetic cords doesn’t help a hole in your heart where a real person used to be that’s going to be there the rest of your life.
Jamie Kortan says
Exactly!! I will never get over the regret and loss. Everyday is survival. Just make it to the end.
Kirti Singh says
I personally believe in the power of Acceptance and Forgiveness. Strongest virtue of life is to forgive people, which comes with practice and only after understanding the importance of it.
Great Article, need of the hour, Very well explained.
Divorce leads to new beginning once that energetic chord is cut.
I’m in my mid 30s now, and have been divorced for three years. Resonated so much with this entire article! Thank you for the validation and visualization tips.
After my divorce I was relieved and believed that being glad to be rid of him meant I had no trauma. But the way I’ve been behaving since then says otherwise. My thoughts are negative, I’ve been more sensitive and emotional, triggered often, angry “all the time” (too often) and bitter, and I wanted a divorce many years ago- so it felt like I had no right to be affected negatively. He’s remarried with a child and I’m still heavily opposed to the idea of even being in a relationship- I didn’t realize how negative I was being until I gave my jaded advice to young women. I knew I have to do something.
Denial is incredible; today was the first day I even acknowledged and googled something about life after divorce. Thanks for writing this article, glad I found it