Being married to someone with a personality disorder is like beating your head against a cement wall. You experience the pain but feel immobilized to do anything about it. In fact, you start to believe that the emotional beating you are taking is all your fault.
Every day you spend with someone who is psychologically manipulative causes you to doubt yourself more and more until you reach the point of asking yourself “I have a good life, a home, car, job, kids. Why am I so unhappy all of the time?” The answer is because you are being emotionally abused.
If you are thinking about leaving your personality disordered spouse but are afraid, and that is completely normal, just think about this:
If he has this much power over your psyche and you are an intelligent adult, what kind of damage will he be able to do to your children? Leaving him will be the hardest thing you will ever do. It may destroy you financially, socially, and contribute to depression and anxiety, but all of that will subside eventually. You will become strong, proud of yourself, and a great role model to your children. You will be teaching them how they should be treated and how they should treat others when they grow up.
When you leave you should expect the common issues with divorce, but because your spouse is a narcissistic, antisocial, or borderline personality you will have the added stressors of the following issues. Having said that, it can be done, it has been done, and you can do it if you stay strong!
6 Things to Expect When Divorcing Someone With a Personality Disorder
1. He WON’T Leave! He will not make it easy for you. He will not accept or agree with the split so that will mean he will not give in and do the decent thing by allowing you to stay in the matrimonial home. You must make plans to leave. This means you need to be careful of when you tell him you want a divorce. Make sure you can vacate the home within days of the announcement. If you don’t and you have to stay, it could get dangerous.
2. You Will Most Likely NEVER Get Closure. He will live the rest of his life without apologizing or accepting any responsibility whatsoever for his part in the marital problems. Apologizing means he is acknowledging his negative behaviors, remember that he does not believe he has behaved badly.
3. Shifted Blame. “If you didn’t want a divorce everything would be fine.” You will be blamed by him for ruining the family because remember, he didn’t do anything wrong. After the divorce, he will probably pick up or continue self-destructive behavior like drinking, drug use, gambling, or serial dating. Again, he will blame this on you because he believes the divorce is not his fault. He will believe his continued bad choices are because you left him.
4. False Accusations. “You must be cheating…why else would you want to leave?” Again, he is at fault for nothing. He may pit his family and friends against you, even spreading lies about you. He will strive to turn the table and make himself the victim, not you.
5. He Will Drag out The Divorce. This is to drain you financially through continued court and attorney costs. Most likely he will be able to afford this process and know that you can’t. This may cause you to give up some of the things you want (like the house, furniture, money, etc.) because you will just want it over as fast as possible. It will be hard but leave it anyway. Continued torture is not worth material goods.
6. It Will be Tempting to go Back…DON’T!!! You will be close to giving in and going back, loneliness, financial loss, and guilt could easily take over, but resist. It will take some time, some say five years, to stabilize emotionally and financially, but stay strong. You will make it. Use your faith, family, and friends. Your decision was based on keeping yourself (and children if you have any) safe and peaceful. Stay true to your decision, it is the right thing to do. Lastly, if you are co-parenting, be prepared because he will move on before you do. He isn’t incapable of being alone because he needs someone to blame his faults on. If he remarries, the new spouse will be prioritized ahead of his children.
My ex-husband has a personality disorder and I had to face all of the issues, except the last (there was no temptation to return to that hell). I left him 7 years ago and we have been divorced for 4 years. Was it tough? YES, but I did it and others can too. I endured a lot of mental, emotional and sometimes even physical abuse but I knew I had to get out of that relationship for myself and especially for the sake of my twin daughters. Things are much better now. Time and therapy can help. My ex hasn’t changed and will still create issues, but I have, and I am much more happier, (mentally) healthier and even wealthier as a single woman.
Dear Tracy,
You bring up an excellent point… that even though he hasn’t changed, you have. Recreating yourself is key as I’m sure you know. It’s like I learned when I was a substance abuse counselor. When people go to rehab for addiction the specialists literally break them down to bare bones and then teach them how to build their lives over. I think that’s what happens to those of us that come from a mentally abusive marriage. We need to recreate ourselves and Thank God, we are given the chance when we leave. Thank you so much for the comment. I’m glad that the article could help you!
Divorced in 2001 after 10 years of marriage hell. My ex-husband stated he would make my life miserable if I divorced him; he’s doing just that, after 20+ years of misery and domestic abuse.
i’m in the US and have been going to court since 1998-depleted all my savings due to attorney fees from vexatious litigant claims. My ex-husband was deemed mentally unstable by a well known Boston, MA hospital and it amazes me he can actually function (under pretense) in society.
It’s been difficult, supporting three children by myself; I’d rather live under a rock than be married to him. I endured daily misery; going to bed in the wee daylight hours because I was unable to sleep, knowing I’d have to wake the next morn in misery and a continued daily cycle.
Divorce, at any cost, was a gift to ME. And that, my friends, is the sweetest reward. My children are happy and healthy. They severed ties with him many years ago because he never provided any emotional or financial support for them. He blames me and I don’t care=happiness.
I have been divorced since last February and a little happier now. My husband of 36 years walked out of our marriage 3 1/2 years ago,s haking my world to the core, because I thought I was still in love with him. But finding the book called “Runaway Husband’s by Dr. Vicki Stark gave me a better insight and ability to step back and analyze my entire relationship with my now ex and know for sure he was- and still- is a full-fledged narcissist, who used me, abused me emotionally and threw me out like I was trash.
The next book I found was “Freeing Yourself From The Narcissist in Your Life” by Dr. Linda Martinnez-Lewi was an eye opener as to the true personality disorder of the narcisssist, who lacks any empathy, remorse and uses people like me who are giving, kind-hearted and a decent person. Dr Martinez-Lewi goes on to explain that a marriage to a narcissist like my ex husband was a one-sided business deal and our children also suffered from neglect by their father who was too wrapped up in himself to care. He won’t even have anything to do with either one of our 2 sons, one of whom is mentally disabled. Breaks my heart to no end.
My ex even had the audacity to write an email to me after he left saying “he wanted to remain friends forever if possible plus had no regrets about being married to me and 33 togehter years was a good run” Wow, how could someone who walked out ever think they could remain friends?” I was so stunned beyond belief that he could even have the nerve to say this to me. His only friend while we were married was me, as he had no friends of his own.
Healing from the carnage he caused me is taking time, probably years to overcome but hopefully I will emerge happier than before and never cross paths with anyone like him either. When he had left me, I was asked by a close relative of mine if I would go back to him and I told him “Not if he was the last man standing” and felt so much power having said that.