When you had children, you probably never thought of them being away from you for longer than a middle school summer camp would last, at least until they went off to college, right? Then you got divorced and the judge ordered shared placement. Whether your placement schedule is 50/50 or you have something different, sending your children off to live somewhere else, even with their Dad, is difficult! Now that summer is here, many Moms are getting ready to send their children off to Dad’s for a longer time period, not to mention vacation schedules that send also send your kids off to live with Dad for longer than you want to be away from them. I know – I’ve been there! Though we will never like it when our kids are gone, we can manage it. These are my tips for managing the emotions that come with your kids living at their other home:
- Set up a communication plan. Just because your children are gone doesn’t mean you go without speaking or even seeing each other’s faces! In today’s day and age, technology allows for things like FaceTime or Skype, and kids love to text. You don’t have to wait for a letter to come in the mail before you have contact with your child. Just as your child wants to talk to Dad when they’re with you, they’ll want to talk to you when they’re with Dad. If you don’t co-parent in any other way, remember this one, communication between kids and both sets of parents is very important.
- Make your own plans! Binge watch the trashiest show on Netflix you can think of. Call the girls over for a wine tasting. Go out dancing until 1a.m. Think about all the things you couldn’t do when the kids were home and do them now! Being a Mom doesn’t mean you give up your life, it just means your outside life sometimes takes a backseat. It’s now time to put that life back in the driver’s seat and make some memories.
- Let go. No, Dad probably isn’t going to be running his house the way you run yours, but that’s not a bad thing. If Dad lets them stay up until 10 PM whereas you would be putting the kids to bed at 9:30 PM, it’s not the end of the world. If he serves one fruit or vegetable at dinner instead of two, again, it’s not the end of the world. It’s actually good for children to see two different ways of living. Each of you as parents have different strengths. You will each teach your children something different in life. One lesson isn’t bigger or better than the other lesson, they’re just different. Generally speaking, the balance and differences are good for the kids to see.
- Find an outlet. You’re going to have negative thoughts. You’re going to hear stories from your kids that will make you want to jump out of your skin. Dad isn’t going to do things the way you do, but as we found out, that’s okay! It doesn’t mean you aren’t frustrated, though. It means you need a way to let those feelings out. Start a journal, take up yoga, call your friends for a venting session, or simply go for a brisk walk. Get the frustration out in a healthier way than taking it out on your ex.
- Embrace his role in their lives. Many Moms would dream of having their ex take on an active parenting role. If you have that, consider yourself a lucky one. As Moms, we tend to take on the weight of the world and want to control all of the parenting for the kids. But when you get divorced, you need to give up some of that. Studies consistently show that children grow up healthier overall if they are able to create their own relationships with their parents. You don’t have to live in the same house in order for your children to grow up happy and healthy. You only have to let your children form their own relationships with each of you as their parents.
We will never be totally comfortable with our children gone, but it’s good for them to be with both parents. If you’re able to show your children that you love them, miss them, support them while at their Dad’s and have a life outside of them, think about the lesson that teaches them long-term. Your children will see unconditional love and support for them as well as seeing your independence as a person.
FAQs About Shared Custody:
How do I keep in touch with my children when they visit their father?
Apps like FaceTime and Skype are the best tools for keeping in touch with children when they visit their father. Children can also use regular phone calls and text messages to keep in touch.
How do I spend my time when my children are with their father?
Spend time on things you love to do or interests you have been ignoring for a long time when children are with their father. You can also binge watch television or call the girls over for a wine tasting. You can go out, have dinner or dance time away—your options are unlimited.
How do I stop my ex from spoiling my children’s routine?
When you can’t possibly do much when your ex lets children stay up, you should stop worrying. Your concern about your ex spoiling your children’s routine is understandable, however, it’s not all that bad. It’s good for children to observe two different ways of living.
How do I react when children tell me strange stories about their visit to their father?
When your children tell you strange stories after visiting their dad, you are naturally going to have negative thoughts about them. Since you can’t do much about how children spend their time with their dad, you need to have your own set of activities to deal with your emotions. Call up a friend to vent, take a brisk walk or take up yoga!
What do I do if my ex takes on an active parenting role?
You should thank your lucky stars, take a deep breath and have a bit of fun yourself when your ex takes up an active parenting role. Mothers are known to take up all aspects of parenting after divorce, which causes a lot of stress and frustration. Studies show children require involvement of both parents for their proper upbringing and wellbeing.
Should I tell my children I miss them when they visit their dad?
You should definitely tell your children that you miss them while they visit their father. Know that experts say both parents are essential for raising healthy and emotionally balanced children. Also tell your children that they have your love and support when they visit their dad. Children will feel your unconditional love and support—and admire your independence.
Related Articles:
- Shared Parenting Pros And Cons
- The Comeback Kid: How To Deal With Handover After Child Visitation
- What are the differences between “sole custody”, “joint custody,” and “shared custody”?
- My Custody Arrangement – Is It Really In The Best Interests Of My Children?
A communication plan is a good idea, especially if both parents are on board with it. I would just caution that it should be respectful of the vacationing parent’s time, especially if that parent has significantly less parenting time during the rest of the year. You should also be willing to do the same when you have the kids for an extended period of time. My stepson’s mom calls and texts constantly when we have him on vacation. If he doesn’t text back right away, she’s calling my husband and when he ignores her, she’s calling me.
You’re right, JennyD, it’s important for both parents to respect each other’s time. That can be written in the parenting plan, too. Reasonable communication can be interpreted differently by each parent, so putting a clear definition in the parenting plan can help alleviate the interpretation issues.