On the subject of men “trading up” for younger women, I think we can assume the wife didn’t just step aside, realizing she had reached that invisible expiration date on her butt. Some men don’t leave a marriage without somewhere to go, so when we’re on the subject of older men and younger women, we’re probably talking cheating and lying as matching bookends.
I always wonder, what do these aged Lotharios see when they look in the mirror? Do they worry about the potential deadly side-effects of mixing, I don’t know, receptor blockers and vasodilators with Viagra? And there goes the Rograine. No mixing that drug with a younger, fertile female or the second set of kids are coming out with hair growing out of their eyeballs and a few less chromosomes.
“The reasons older men chase younger women have less to do with sex and everything to do with a profound desire to reassure ourselves that we’ve still got “it.” “It” isn’t just physical attractiveness; “it” is the whole masculine package of youth, vitality, and, above all else, possibility. It’s not that women our own age are less attractive, it’s that they lack the culturally-based power to reassure our fragile, aging egos that we are still hot and hip and filled with potential. Inspiring desire in women young enough to be our daughters becomes the most potent of all anti-aging remedies, particularly when we can show off our much younger dates to our peers,” says Professor Hugo Schwyzer, Pasadena City College.
I’m not a therapist or professor of geriatric sex-related studies but, I am a woman who went through what is referred to perfectly as a Gray Divorce due to my husband cheating with younger women. I did the filing and I’ve done the crying, but in spite of ending a relationship with someone I loved more than half my life, I now see him as sad and an utter idiot.
Here are four things I would say to any older man chasing after a younger woman:
1. Go! You’ve most likely became a burden to your wife who’s held up her end of the bargain and a thousand balls including the kids, the house, the bills, the aging parents, your health issues, your bad decisions, your embarrassing conduct while reverting to behavior more identifiable with a teenager than a grown man. See how much the new girl likes worrying about your all too frequent colonoscopies.
2. While you may think you’re the envy of your friends with the younger woman on your arm, you are only advertising your deepest sense of failure. A girlfriend with a birth certificate the same year you graduated from college, or within spitting distance of one of your children’s grade school years advertises your insecurity on every level.
3. You’ve probably boozed away any sense of responsibility for your poor decisions and finding your self-respect may be more elusive than finding your hairline. Don’t look for it from the people who really cared about you. They may still love you, but the respect is sagging, just like your pectoral muscles.
4. You’ve traded your once life partner for a partner in crime. What comes around goes around my dear. Enjoy! I advise learning to live with regret. And, just so you can identify what regret is, (since you are full of self-justification, but devoid of any authentic feelings or conscious), that’s the feeling you get every time you write a check for child support for people whose lives you’re not really included in any longer. Breaking the hearts of everyone who loved you comes with a stiff price tag and not just a court-ordered one.
After my brother became a widower, he discussed his feelings with me about being single at fifty. When I mentioned something about the probability he’d begin dating “younger” women he looked at me like I was seriously delusional. My brother is a confident, well-adjusted, successful person with many accomplishments and talents. Dating a woman he’d have to explain the last two decades to while they were still being potty-trained, sounded like, as he put it, “pure torture.”
He’s now happily committed to a wonderful woman, vastly accomplished herself, mirroring his happy approach to life and who happens to be a couple of years older than him. They’re an anomaly I tell them, two people in their late fifties who found happiness with each other. It happens, but not a lot based on the guys I’ve seen online who say they’re fifty, look sixty, and desire no one above forty as potential dating material.
My brother’s also the avid golfer, who told me, after spending thousands of hours with other men on golf courses, that just about every middle-aged man he’s ever had the divorce conversation with has said the same thing after a few years with the younger wife or girlfriend they lost their family over… it had not been worth it.
Just like a new, expensive car, the newness wears off surprisingly quick. They just traded one set of fixable issues for another set, that with years in age difference, widens significantly. My divorce attorney pretty much told me the same thing, telling me he gets a good deal of business from husbands when they divorce their “trophy wives.”
Some men don’t just wake up one day and turn into shallow morons, they were that way from the get-go. I can now look back, because the view is unobstructed by my ex. I realize I fell for the very characteristics that would one day come back and bite me in the ass. I didn’t poach him off another woman, but I knew he had a Peter Pan complex.
Let’s face it, some men are stupid and, you can’t fix stupid, but you can divorce it. My stupid? I’m working on it, that and forgiving myself.