When I first started dating my husband I told him that I would always be his friend. Even if our romance didn’t work out, I loved him and I would always love him. He reminded me that I had said that. It was right after he ended our 14 year marriage.
At the time I told him that I was wrong. I couldn’t be his friend. I was hurt and angry and things had changed. As time goes on though I’m not as angry. In fact I could be his friend. But why should I? He dumped meI. This makes him the dumper. The dumper always says we can still be friends. It gives the dumper the comfort of knowing they aren’t monsters and it also allows the dumper to feel that their ex will still be in their life. They won’t have to miss having them around.
My ex doesn’t care if I’m his friend or not. He’s a control freak. He’s always manipulated me. He reminds me of a robot. He’s programmed to spit out words that seem to fit the situation but there isn’t anything backing the sentiments.
If I remain his friend I would always be reminded that he ripped my heart out. I would also have some pang of regret if he appeared to be doing well without me. We would be nothing more than frenemies.
Having said that, I admit there are many levels of friendship, along with acquaintances and social friends. But what I meant when I told him I would always be his friend was a true friend. The person you call when you need help, advice or a shoulder to cry on. The person you can tell a secret to and know it will be safe. The best friend that I had married. I trusted him with my entire heart and soul and he betrayed me.
My definition of a true friend can be described by the practice of altruism or selflessness, which is the principle or practice of concern for the welfare of others. It is sacrificing for someone else with no expectation of any compensation or benefits. It is being a true friend in the purest form. I guess I could still be that for him but it would be at the expense of myself. If he really were my friend he wouldn’t ask that of me.
I’ve come to terms about the friendship, the romance, the marriage and the betrayal. The realization that we were never friends. He is a sociopath and I am an enabler.
He can’t change. He is what he is. On the surface, he’s a nice guy. He’s charming to your face. He is helpful but always with a hidden agenda. I’m learning to recognize a sociopath. Those people who care only about themselves. There’s no reasoning with a sociopath. You can’t teach them. You can’t change them. They don’t possess the ability to care.
He hurt me over and over and I continued to forgive him, to make excuses for him, to enable him. He then betrayed me with the deepest wound of all when he left me.
In reality it was the greatest gift he could have given me. He set me free and now I’m healing. But it’s hard.
I have to stop wondering what he’s up to. I have to stop stalking his facebook page to see who he’s spending time with. I have to get over him and eventually I will. I have to admit I was wrong. I made a bad judgement in character and I forgive myself. I need to cut the apron strings and surround myself with people who are good for me…true friends
I could be his friend. But I don’t want to.
Your ex must be a twin to my last husband who is now my ex. He wanted to be friends too. At first I said helplessly clinging to the last piece of him I could. Then after healing and realizing he did me a favor with his affair and telling me our marriage was over, he is not a friend. He never will be. I told him that in a letter not so long ago. I told him I have friends. Wonderful friends. Friends who are exactly what you described. We moved to SC for his job in 2009 and since I have a wonderful circle of friends here. He has none, only his coworkers and one he slept with while we were married. I am not his leaning post or his “I am lonely so I need you” friend. He was never there for me and I know he will never will be. I don’t need a “friend” like that. I would prefer he move back to where we came from and just disappear. I don’t want to run into him and the women he is supposedly dating even after the affair. I am happy alone. I am a grams and a mother and I am a boss to many. I rescue dogs and I help others. He can remain in his little selfish world of nothing with all his money. I am happy in mine, without him.
Thanks you so much for you words. Its has been 6 moonths and i still don’t believe the size of the betrayal. Unfortanley after the breakup more women tried and are trying to manipulate me. I guess i am also a enabler, i will have to learn how to protect myself.
I have been divorced for 5 years and thought I was making the correct decision to stay friends with my ex for my daughter. When you are in love with a sociopath and you are an enabler you just hurt yourself.
I have decided to break off the friendship and he doesn’t understand. I feel like I’m reliving the divorce all over again.